


Weathering the World

by innerslytherin, severity_softly



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe, Angst, M/M, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-20
Updated: 2016-01-20
Packaged: 2018-05-15 05:40:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 43,405
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5773486
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/innerslytherin/pseuds/innerslytherin, https://archiveofourown.org/users/severity_softly/pseuds/severity_softly
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Maya's death, Jasper becomes reckless… But Bellamy refuses to let him destroy himself. (Takes place immediately after 2x16, "Blood Must Have Blood: Part 2".)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Weathering the World

**Author's Note:**

> Set immediately after the season two finale, "Blood Must Have Blood: Part 2". Inspired in part by [Jasper spoilers in this article](http://nerdist.com/first-look-at-the-100s-season-3-premiere-wanheda-part-one/) for the season three premiere. AU.

Jasper was almost killed the day after the dropship landed. Now he wished that Clarke and the others had just let him die.

Sure, it sucked. Getting speared in the chest was not near the top of his list of things to do, and neither was getting hung in a tree as bait. Days of agony while infection wracked his body wasn't any fun either, but it was still better than this.

Maya was gone. He had held her in his arms while she died, and watched as the life left her body, her beautiful face covered in radiation burns. He had promised her that he wouldn't let her die.

Clarke and Bellamy, even Monty to a degree, had made him a liar.

And they were "sorry".

Sorry didn't mean shit.

Jasper was _going_ to kill Cage, if they'd only given him a little more time. And now Maya was gone.

Jasper liked to think that if Clarke hadn't run away like a coward, he would have made her pay. But he mostly thought that when he was drunk. Which was a lot these days. Even drunk, though, shame crept into his mind at the thought of hurting his friends for what they did.

Or were they _former_ friends?

Jasper wasn't really sure anymore.

He tilted his head back to stare at the dark sky, then let out a howl at the top of his lungs. It echoed around the forest, bouncing off the trees. He had left the camp in the middle of the night, sneaking past the guards, and gotten hammered under a huge tree that scratched at his back in a way that was uncomfortable, until the pleasant numbness of the hooch crept across his skin. Once that happened, the taste was almost bearable.

He screamed again until he went hoarse. He _wanted_ the Grounders to find him. It was far less emotionally complicated to take his anger out on them than on anyone back at the camp. He wanted physical pain to replace emotional pain for a while. Hell, maybe they'd kill him and put him out of his misery entirely. 

One could hope.

To Jasper's dismay, the crunching of leaves that suddenly pricked his ears didn't come from Grounders, though. A blurry vision of Bellamy appeared from around a corner, his lips downturned and a frown knitting his brow.

"Go away," Jasper slurred, thumping his head back against the tree, hard enough to make his vision swim momentarily. He closed his eyes and tried to wish Bellamy out of existence. With his eyes closed, his body hummed on the verge of unpleasantness.

Bellamy wasn't very good at taking orders, though. Not from anyone except Clarke, anyway. Bellamy's footsteps didn't walk away from Jasper; they walked _toward_ him. When Bellamy stopped, his voice was disgusted.

"Are you trying to get yourself killed? Because I guarantee you, the Grounders will be happy to oblige. Since they didn't finish the job last time."

Jasper sighed. Now what? He supposed he could tell Bellamy that he didn't care if he _did_ die, but that seemed a little more open and honest than he felt like Bellamy deserved.

He opened his eyes and rolled his head to the side to get a better look at Bellamy. Then he glanced around to see if Bellamy brought company.

No one.

Jasper wasn't sure if he was relieved or not.

He looked back at Bellamy, his eyes moving up and down over him, lingering maybe too long on Bellamy's gun before meeting his eyes again.

He had taken too long to reply.

He fixed his expression into one he hoped looked defiant. "Why does it matter to you? Unless you want the honor yourself?"

Bellamy sighed and crouched in front of him, just out of arm's reach. Jasper wasn't sure if Bellamy thought he was going to go for the gun, or if he expected Jasper to punch him. Or maybe throw up on him.

"Come on, Jasper, don't be stupid. You're one of us." He glanced around, still vigilant even though he was arguing with Jasper. "One of us from the beginning. You saved my sister our first day. You think I want anything to happen to you?"

He rocked back on his heels. "But I don't really feel like fighting Grounders tonight, so if you could keep it down, that'd be helpful."

Jasper felt his expression soften a little as he thought of Octavia, and the first night they'd spent on the ground, her sleeping with her head resting on his chest. It was the first time Jasper had ever felt like a hero. That felt like so long ago now, though, and all the childish attraction he'd felt for Bellamy's sister seemed so insignificant compared to how Maya had made him feel.

He felt some of the tension leave his body. His anger wasn't really ebbing, but he must've drank faster than he realized because he was feeling progressively more drunk even though he'd ran out of booze what felt like a while ago. It was sapping his strength.

"Anyone but you," he muttered.

Bellamy didn't say anything for a while. He looked out at the darkness, his shoulders straight. Jasper had just started hoping Bellamy might get offended and leave when the other boy sighed.

"Yeah. But I'm the only one around, so you're stuck with me." He lifted one hand to rub the back of his head. "I know you must hate me. I deserve it. But I don't hate you, so I'm damned if I leave you out here by yourself for the Grounders."

Jasper glared at Bellamy for a moment, then looked away. The trees rustled in the breeze, and Jasper took a deep breath. He wondered if this is what the air had smelled like before the nuclear apocalypse. They were deep in the woods, and it occurred to him that no one at camp could have possibly heard him scream so far away.

"How did you find me?" he asked, slightly aware that his voice was slow and deliberate as he tried not to slur. "Were you watching me?"

"Uh, you were shouting?" Bellamy said, as if it should have been obvious. He looked around again. "Loud enough to wake the--" He broke off as if just realizing what he was saying, then finished, lamely, "dead." Bellamy sighed. "Shit."

Jasper felt his body tense again, and he turned to glare at Bellamy. "Not close enough to wake the camp," he snapped back.

"The grownups?" Bellamy said sarcastically. "No, definitely not. They're so damn comfortable, thinking that was the end of it. You and I know better. I don't give a shit whether Kane and Abby think it's over. _We_ know this world is never going to stop trying to kill us. So I patrol every night I can, whether or not they like it."

His voice softened slightly. "And I heard someone screaming like they were being tortured, so I came to save him. You."

"Being tortured would be better," Jasper admitted, and immediately regretted it. He shifted forward and staggered to his feet, wanting to get away from his sudden honesty. Then he stumbled a few feet and fell on his knees. "You should have left me," he gasped, on the verge of shouting again. His eyes started to string, and he forcefully told himself to pull himself together.

Bellamy lunged, free hand outstretched, but he was too late to catch Jasper and obviously thought better of it, so he stood there, looking like an idiot, gun in one hand, mouth open. "Like you left my sister to be eaten by a...giant river snake thing?" he said. "I didn't know it was you screaming, but even if I had, I wouldn't have left you." He shoved his free hand behind his back. "Damn it, Jasper, at least sit down."

"You don't owe me anything for saving Octavia," Jasper breathed. He sat back on his heels and gauged his chances of staying upright if he stood again. " _She's_ a good person," he spat, pushing anguish away so quickly that anger returned. He wanted to hurt Bellamy suddenly. He didn't want Bellamy's insistence that he didn't hate him, or that he was worth saving, or that he was _one of them_ to make his defenses drop. Even if hot tears still burned his face.

He defiantly pushed himself to his feet, swayed, and then braced himself on the closest tree, glancing back to see if his insult landed.

"Yeah, she is." Bellamy's voice dropped so low Jasper almost couldn't hear him. "I bear it so she doesn't have to." His shoulders slumped. After a long moment, Bellamy shook himself.

"But she wouldn't want you to get hurt, so unless you go back to camp, I'm going to follow you around to keep you alive."

Jasper laughed for the first time in a while, but it was low and he couldn't muster a smile. "Did you consider if Octavia would want me hurt when you flipped the switch at Mount Weather?"

Bellamy went still. For the first time in their conversation, he dropped his gaze to the ground instead of watching around them for threats. "I considered a lot of things," he said, his voice choked. "I considered that they were about to kill my sister. My _sister_. My responsibility. I considered that they _were_ killing Clarke's mom, and _had_ killed Fox."

Bellamy's breathing was ragged. Jasper could hear it from where he stood. "I hate what I did, Jasper. I _hate_ it. But I would do it again, because I don't know any other way any of our people could have survived Mount Weather."

Jasper felt his face twist when Bellamy said he'd do it again, unable to disguise the pain it caused. He almost didn't hear the rest of what Bellamy said. Turning, he leaned against the tree, facing away from Bellamy to hide how much that hurt. "I was going to kill Cage!" he shouted, then lowered his voice to a harsh whisper. "I _could have_."

"I know." He heard Bellamy take a step closer, and he tensed. If Bellamy touched him, Jasper was going to punch him. "I know you were. I know you could." Bellamy laughed, but it was a hopeless, bitter sound. "But they had my sister, Jasper. I wasn't sure if you'd be in time. And I--She's my sister. My responsibility."

Tears were starting to roll down Jasper's face again. His nose was starting to run too, as he lost control, but he refused to sniffle and make it obvious to Bellamy that he was starting to fall apart. He lifted a hand and wiped at his face anyway. "You know-- You know I don't want Octavia hurt." He huffed a breath, trying to keep himself from shaking. "You know." He swallowed hard. _Damn it_ , he just wished Bellamy would let him walk into a Grounder camp and die. "But all those people. All those innocent people… Maya."

 _None of us is innocent_ , Maya had said. It was the _last_ thing she said.

No. She was wrong. _She was_.

"She _helped_ us."

Bellamy let out a hoarse noise, something between a laugh and a sob. Jasper hated him for being unhappy. What right did Bellamy have to be unhappy?

"Innocent!" Bellamy said. "Okay, Maya, sure. Maybe. But the rest of them? How many of them _knew_ they were draining Grounders for their blood? Or that they were going to kill our people just to let themselves move to the surface?" He huffed in disgust. "We're not much better. I know that, even if I pretend not to. But if I have to pick between us and them… Ah, damn it, Jasper. We were running out of time. Clarke had already decided. I couldn't have stopped her, even if I wanted to."

His tone of voice made it clear he hadn't wanted to.

Jasper wasn't sure he cared right now.

"Yes, you could have," Jasper said. He wasn't sure it was true. He wiped his face again and slid down the tree trunk without turning around. Bark broke off against his clothes, but he ignored it. "Did you even try?"

Bellamy didn't answer for a moment. "I tried," he said finally. "I used the same arguments you just did. There were kids in there. People who helped us." He made a noise that was definitely a sob, but he coughed like he was trying to cover it. "But Clarke asked if I had a better idea. And I didn't." He sighed. "I didn't."

Jasper knew he meant it.

He still didn't know if he cared.

His emotions were all over the place, and he wished he could blame it completely on alcohol, but he couldn't. "I'll walk back to camp with you on one condition." He didn't wait for Bellamy to ask what it was. "You never talk to me again."

"I--" Bellamy paused. "Jasper. I--I can't--" He blew out a loud breath. "And what if I find you out here screaming at the top of your lungs because you're drunk off your ass again, huh? You expect me not to talk to you then? What the--" He broke off. "Ahh, come on. How can I promise that?"

"Next time, let me die. Let me scream until the Grounders find me," Jasper said, finally admitting in a round-a-bout way why he was screaming in the first place. "Just leave me alone and let me die." He sobbed in the middle of the last word before he could stop himself, clasping a hand against his mouth.

Bellamy knelt in front of him, one hand gripping Jasper's shoulder. "I am _not_ going to let you die," he said fiercely. "Not a chance, Jasper. We can get through this."

Jasper thought about jerking away from Bellamy, but he knew he'd probably fall out of the crouch he was in and onto his ass. He couldn't stem the flow of tears either, so he just lifted his other hand to his face and cried into his palms. He leaned into Bellamy's grip, ignoring the sick feeling in his stomach as he did and telling himself it was just for balance.

"What if I can't?" he managed, then shook his head quickly, hoping Bellamy would take the cue and ignore that question. "Have you ever been in love, Bellamy?"

Jasper thought hard. He hadn't known Bellamy well on the Ark. Bellamy hadn't been in lockup, and Jasper had avoided the wannabe guard when he and Monty were selling their herb. From what he knew now, though, looking back, Bellamy had probably been too preoccupied with his sister to date. And since they'd been on the ground, his focus had been his sister _and_ staying alive.

"No." Bellamy squeezed Jasper's shoulder once and let go. "When was there time to fall in love?" His voice sounded odd. "Looking after Octavia was my life. Still is. Even if she doesn't always want me looking after her."

Jasper huffed a breath, and rocked back to sit. It wasn't particularly graceful, but he was sitting. "She's not a little girl anymore," he murmured, eyeing Bellamy for a moment, wondering why he'd sounded strange a moment ago. Jasper's mind was spinning, though, so he quickly gave up.

He glanced away at the empty bottle a few feet away, wishing it wasn't empty. "She's strong." He sniffed hard and wiped his face, feeling like the crying was starting to come to an end. "Stronger than me."

Bellamy's laugh almost sounded normal. "She's stronger than any of us." He lifted his head to look around them, his gaze going everywhere except to meet Jasper's.

Jasper quirked his lips to the side and watched Bellamy avoid his eyes for a long moment, wondering again what Bellamy was thinking. A moment later, he thought _fuck it_. "What?"

Bellamy finally glanced at him, then flicked his gaze away. "I don't want to never talk to you again, Jasper. I don't...I mean. I've already lost Clarke. And I know you hate Clarke right now, but I--" He shook his head. "And I don't want to lose you too."

Jasper frowned and wiped a hand down his face. "How do you expect--" He clenched his jaw, but he was too drunk and he was starting to feel like sleeping was a better idea than fighting.

"I don't expect anything," Bellamy replied quickly. "I just…" He pressed his lips together. "I just can't promise never to talk to you again. Not _never_." He looked at Jasper again, holding his gaze this time. "Please."

Jasper stared at him. He didn't want to forgive Bellamy. Not yet. Maybe not ever. But Bellamy's eyes were sincere. After a moment, Jasper had to look away. "I need to sleep," he said, unwilling to give Bellamy any more than he already had tonight. _I should still be screaming at him_ , Jasper though stubbornly.

"Need to sleep," he repeated, and laid back on the ground, crossing his arms over his chest and staring at the sky.

"Yeah." Bellamy shifted his feet, leaves rustling. "Can you sleep in camp?"

"Nope," Jasper said, his voice drifting a little. He closed his eyes. This was stupid, he knew, and Bellamy was going to fight him on it, but he didn't care.

"Jasper." Bellamy's voice was impatient, but when he gripped Jasper's arms, his hands were gentle. "Come on. I'll help you. Because if you try to sleep out here, I'm going to have to stand over you with a gun all night, and I'm not in the mood."

"Your choice," Jasper said, in as flippant a tone as he could muster.

Bellamy sighed. Jasper heard shuffling, and then Bellamy's hands tightened around his arms. "Come on. Do I have to carry you?"

 

Jasper sighed too. Like hell he was letting Bellamy carry him.

He opened his eyes and managed to glare half-heartedly while he sat up. When his eyes shifted to the ground so he could try to get up without falling. He could almost feel Bellamy watching him. Bracing himself on the tree, he climbed to his feet, then scrubbed a hand down his face. He realized he'd forgotten which direction he was facing. "Which way?" he said. He probably should be ashamed that he'd gotten drunk and turned around, but he didn't care.

Bellamy turned him slowly until he was pointing the right direction. "This way. You still bunking with Monty?"

"Not like I have many options," Jasper said. He knew Monty didn't pull the lever at Mount Weather, but he was there and he could have stopped it.

Or maybe not. Clarke and Bellamy together made for a pretty intimidating pair when they had their minds set. But Jasper wasn't ready to forgive Monty either. They'd known each other since they were little, been best friends for as long as Jasper could remember, and Monty _knew_ Jasper had never had anyone in his life before that made him feel the way Maya did. And he let them kill her.

"Yeah." Bellamy seemed to run out of things to say, but he didn't let go of Jasper as they walked. It felt like Bellamy was making sure Jasper didn't fall. When they got to a slight decline and Bellamy muttered, "Watch your step," Jasper was sure Bellamy was making sure he didn't fall. He might not have to take care of Octavia any more, but Bellamy didn't seem able to stop taking care of _some_ one.

Jasper was grateful that Bellamy stopped talking after that. They walked the rest of the way back in silence, except for the few times Jasper stumbled, and Bellamy yanked him upright again with a grunt. Before Jasper realized it, Bellamy was too close, his arm around Jasper's back while Jasper's arm dangled over Bellamy's shoulders. Jasper wanted to complain or push away, but he knew he was too unstable and really needed the support.

They managed to get back into camp without anyone noticing, and Jasper tensed as they walked through the grounds, not wanting anyone to see him holding on to Bellamy for support. But it seemed like most of the camp was asleep.

When Bellamy left him at his tent, Jasper stumbled towards his bed, losing his balance and winding up crawling most of the way to his cot. Monty's head lifted from his own bed, and he gave Jasper a concerned look, but seemed to know better than to try and say anything.

 

***

 

Bellamy kept thinking of Kane's words to him: "You did good."

But every time those words echoed through his head, he decided the Chancellor--or was Abby the Chancellor today? Bellamy couldn't keep it straight--was wrong.

If he'd done good, why did the sight of all those dead people in Mount Weather still haunt his nightmares? If they'd done good, why had Clarke run away? If they'd done good, why could Monty barely meet his eyes anymore?

He envied Jasper his grief. As stupid as that seemed, at least Jasper's grief was unalloyed with guilt. He could hate Clarke and Bellamy without also hating himself. He could blame Clarke and Bellamy without blaming himself.

Bellamy couldn't even let himself grieve, because what right did he have to grief?

He made himself patrol the camp all night, because everyone else seemed to have relaxed their guards. Besides, he needed something to do. Octavia had Lincoln to take care of her now--not that she really needed much taking care of, these days. Bellamy didn't even have Clarke to butt heads with anymore. And God, how he missed her.

As if he had any right to miss her.

It was close enough to dawn that there were others stirring. He ducked into his tent and checked the safety on his gun. Then he collapsed onto his bedroll and dug around in his box of possessions until he found the bottle of hundred and seven year old whisky he'd found in the bunker alongside the guns.

"We deserve a drink," he'd told Clarke the day they came back from Mount Weather. The day _he_ came back. The day she left him.

He shook his head. She probably couldn't bear the sight of him any more than she could bear the sight of the others. Maybe he was worse, since he'd put his hand on the lever and pulled it with her. Whatever her reasons, she'd left. Bell had never had that drink, but he needed one now.

Losing Clarke--that had been horrible. He'd actually started to think maybe he-- But she obviously didn't need him the way he needed her. She was probably still mourning for Finn, anyway.

But losing Jasper… Or rather, _finding_ Jasper out in the forest, screaming his guts out and hoping the Grounders would kill him… Bell twisted the cork out of the whisky bottle and took a swig. That was worse. That was way worse.

Clarke's leaving had been as much her fault as his. Jasper's grief--that was Bell's fault.

 _"If you need forgiveness, I'll give that to you. You're forgiven."_ Why had it been so easy to say those words to Clarke, and so hard to accept them for himself?

Bell took another swig and pushed the cork back into the neck of the bottle. He dropped his head back against the bedroll and wondered if he could find someone to sleep with him. He'd been sleeping alone because of the nightmares, but maybe having someone next to him would be better.

He sighed and weighed his options. Raven was a no go. She was busy pretending not to like Wick, when she obviously did. Harper was an option, though Bellamy wasn't particularly attracted to her. He wasn't sure that mattered. Then there was Monroe. Bellamy wondered if she was with anyone, but he didn't think so.

He put the bottle back in the box, and found himself wishing Murphy was around. Murphy had always been a good choice to blow off steam with, and he didn't ask questions after they were spent. Bellamy wasn't sure Monroe wouldn't want to cuddle and _talk_. Bell wasn't opposed to that generally, with the right person... but he hadn't ever slept with the "right person" before, and that wasn't what he needed right now, anyway.

He draped his arm over his eyes. Maybe he should try to get some sleep. He tried to relax his muscles, and he _was_ tired. The camp would be bustling with activity soon, which meant more eyes on the treeline and more warning should anything go wrong.

It didn't take long for him to drift to sleep, but it seemed like only a few moments before he was gasping awake again, the nightmares jarring him back into reality.

 _Fuck_.

He wiped a hand down his face. Maybe Jasper had had the right idea. Drink until you couldn't walk straight. Just do it in camp, where the Grounders _probably_ couldn't get you.

But as tempting as the idea of uninterrupted sleep was, Bell didn't think he could stand to lose that much control. With a groan, he sat up, pulling his knees up so he could rest his forehead on them. "What am I doing?" he mumbled.

He rolled his eyes at himself, then answered his own question. "Talking to myself." He shook his head, and got to his feet. Maybe he'd go find Raven. Maybe she'd had a fight with Wick.

He wandered outside, squinting at the morning sun. When his eyes adjusted, he glanced around the camp. He spotted Raven after a moment, sitting at a table and playing cards… with Jasper.

How could Jasper even be awake right now? It was possible Bellamy had gotten more sleep than he thought, but it was definitely before noon. Of course, it was entirely possible that Jasper was having nightmares too. At least, once he sobered enough to even be roused by them.

Jasper's eyes were red and puffy, and he didn't look like he felt very well, and… he had shaved his hair off at some point between when Bell saw him last night and now. But Bell supposed it was a plus that Jasper was even being social. It seemed like he'd been in bed for days, refusing to talk to anyone.

But why had he shaved his head? Bellamy squinted again, blinked, and rubbed his eyes. When he looked again, it was definitely still Jasper.

He wanted nothing more than to go talk to Jasper. Which was exactly what he shouldn't do. Even if he'd refused to promise never to speak to Jasper again, he ought to give Jasper some space.

Heart thudding, he took a step towards their table, then swore at himself and turned around. _Leave him alone_ , he told himself.

He forced himself to walk away, though he didn't know where he was going. Anywhere that wasn't Jasper.

He was so tired his hands were shaky. Or maybe that was because he'd forgotten to eat for...a while. He ought to try to eat something.

He made his way to the mess and got something to eat, then glanced around the room for somewhere to sit. There were only a couple people in the room, and only one person sitting alone at the far wall. When Bellamy's gaze passed over Monty, Monty was clearly looking his way. But when their eyes met, Monty ducked his head and looked down at his own food.

Bellamy frowned. This was ridiculous. He hesitated, then walked over to Monty's table and sat down across from him. He saw Monty's shoulders draw up a little as the other boy tensed, but Monty _did_ look up again.

"Hey," he murmured, sounding unsure.

"Hi." Bellamy liked Monty. He had a lot of sense, and he'd been indispensable in keeping them alive. Plus he knew how to make hooch. It wasn't among the top three things Bell felt guilty for, but at least in the top ten things was the way he and Clarke had strong-armed Monty into helping them kill everyone in Mount Weather.

Bell cleared his throat. "How, uh, are you?"

Monty shrugged and shoveled _something_ into his mouth. Some days, Bell wasn't sure _what_ the rations were, but none of them could really be choosy.

After he swallowed, Monty wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. "Okay," he said. "Tired. You?"

"Tired," Bell agreed. Tired didn't cover the half of it, but it would do. He took a couple of bites. He still wasn't sure what it was, but it tasted okay. "Jas--you and Jasper, you two good?"

Monty's eyebrows raised and he seemed to still, fork raised halfway to his mouth. He stared at Bell for a long moment, then he put his fork back down. "Not since…" He trailed off, but he didn't have to finish. _Not since Mount Weather. Not since Maya_.

Monty dropped his gaze to the table, his hair slipping over his eyes a little. "I, um… I never said thank you."

"Thank you?" Bell repeated, incredulous. "For what?" What reason could Monty possibly have to thank him? Not only had he killed Jasper's girlfriend, he'd also destroyed their friendship.

Monty swallowed hard. "For not telling Jasper… you know… everything."

Oh. 

In the aftermath of Mount Weather, Bellamy had been honest with Jasper about his and Clarke's part in what had happened. But he left out the extent to which Monty had helped them, how Monty had had to hack the Mount Weather computers to even make it possible for Bell and Clarke to pull that lever. He hadn't wanted to destroy Jasper's first (maybe?) love and his longest friendship in the same day.

Of course, Jasper still blamed Monty, but at least this way maybe he'd one day forgive him.

Bellamy thought back to what Clarke had said just before she left. _I bear it, so they don't have to._ He lifted one shoulder in a shrug, giving Monty a half smile. "He might as well just blame one of us. Well, two of us, but since Clarke isn't here…"

He took another bite of food. "You two have always been close, huh? You got locked up together, right?"

"Yeah," Monty said. He was still looking at the table, but he smiled a little, as if getting locked up with Jasper was a fond memory. "We broke into the Ark garden. Often, actually."

Bellamy gave him what he hoped was a curious look. He wanted Monty to keep talking. Preferably about Jasper, but he'd listen to anything at this point. His hands weren't shaking quite as bad. Maybe it was the food. Maybe it was just sitting down and talking to someone who didn't hate him.

"Please tell me you weren't stealing tomatoes," he said, and gulped another bite.

Monty huffed a laugh, then finally resumed eating. "I hate tomatoes. So does Jasper." He shook his head to the side to clear his bangs from his eyes. "My parents were in pharmaceuticals. And Jasper and me... we had a side business. Well, I guess it wasn't a _side_ business. It was our _only_ business." He cleared his throat and lifted finger to make a point. "Technically, it wasn't even stealing, because I was growing our own stash, and we were going to replace what we'd borrowed." Monty was grinning now.

Bellamy laughed for the first time in what felt like forever. Really laughed, from the belly, not a bitter, angry chuckle. "You were--and Jasper's a chemist!" he realized. "Herb. _Good_ herb." He shook his head, grinning faintly back at Monty. "That's awesome."

His shoulders had been tight and tense since he left his tent, but he found himself starting to relax. Hanging around Monty and talking about Jasper was almost like hanging around Jasper. Jasper's open nature had always been relaxing.

Until Mount Weather.

"There were a lot of unhappy people when we went to lockup," Monty said. He shoved another bite of food into his mouth, then pushed little scraps of food on his plate into a pile. His smile faded a little. "I wish we had some of that stuff down here. I'd rather Jasper smoke than try to drink until his liver fell out." His smile was gone now.

Bell's shoulders tensed up again. He shrugged them, trying to get them relaxed again. "Yeah. Maybe I'd actually sleep if you had some of that stuff." As soon as he said it, he wished he hadn't. Hopefully Monty wouldn't pick up on that. "The hooch isn't bad," he rushed on. "But I don't like being out of control."

"Nightmares?" Monty said softly.

 _Shit_.

"I get them too." Monty used his finger to push the little bits of food on his plate onto his fork, not looking at Bellamy. "So does-- So does Jasper. But he usually doesn't wake up. Not when he's drunk, anyway." His voice was getting quieter, like he was telling a secret that he didn't know he should. But Bellamy supposed they shared a bond of death now, so maybe Monty needed someone to talk to. "On the nights I can sleep… his…" He trailed off and shook his head.

If Monty was going to admit that, Bellamy probably should too. He hunched his shoulders and watched Monty playing with his food. "Yeah. They wake me up and I can't go back." He shoved the last bite of food in his mouth. It felt like sawdust. He took forever to chew and swallow. His hands were shaking again.

"So having someone else there doesn't help you sleep?" he asked.

"He… He talks in his sleep. Nothing I can understand. But it's always… it always sounds… pained." Monty cleared his throat and ate the last bite of food he had. He chewed and swallowed, then rested his fork on his plate. "I mean… since the day he got attacked, just after we landed, he hasn't slept well. But it's never been this bad."

Monty rested his elbows on the table, clasped his hands, and pressed his forehead into his crossed fingers. "He'd hate me even more if he knew I was telling you this."

That was probably true. Bellamy rubbed his fingers through his hair and curled one at the back of his neck, trying to massage the tension out. "I won't tell him if you don't." He stared down at the table. It was weird. He was just as miserable now as he had been, but at least he wasn't miserable by himself. Monty understood.

"I wish Clarke was here. She'd know what to do," Bell muttered.

Monty looked up from his hands. "She left us." His lips pressed together. "She was selfish to leave us. To opt out of the aftermath."

Bellamy looked at him, surprised at the bitterness in Monty's voice. Monty didn't seem like the kind of guy to hold a grudge. But he'd lost a lot, too.

"Yeah," Bellamy said after a moment. "I guess so." He bit his lip. "But I don't--" _I don't know what to do_ , he didn't say.

He looked down at his plate and tapped the rough edge. It had been beaten out of a scavenged piece of the drop ship, from the looks of it. They didn't even have proper place settings down here. But somehow, it felt right. He was all rough edges. They all were.

"How do I help Jasper?" he blurted.

Monty opened his mouth, then closed it again. He seemed genuinely surprised by the question. Finally, his expression evened out. "If I knew, I would have done it already."

Of course he would have. Bellamy felt stupid for even asking. Just because he was the de facto leader of their people--at least those left from the original hundred--didn't give him the right to pry into everything.

The silenced stretched for a moment, then Monty shook his head. "How's Octavia?" he asked, obviously wanting the change the subject.

Bellamy cleared his throat. "She's good." He half laughed. "Probably coping better than the rest of us, all things considered. She…I don't know, she just adapts so well." He rubbed the back of his neck again. "Or else she's hiding it well. From me, at least." He fought the bitter twist to his lips. He could still barely look at Lincoln sometimes. Torturing Lincoln was far from the worst of the things Bellamy had done, but when he looked back, he sometimes thought it was his first step into hell.

Or maybe that had been when he'd let them hang Murphy.

God. Maybe drinking hooch until your liver rotted _was_ a good way to cope with this.

"She's strong," Monty said, echoing Jasper the night before. "Also… sometimes we hide our pain from the people we love the most." Monty frowned.

Bellamy watched him curiously. Clarke would say-- _No_ , he cut himself off. _Clarke is gone._ "Why? Those are the people who ought to forgive us for anything."

"Pride?" Monty mused. "Maybe to keep us from worrying. Or hurting. It's not about forgiveness."

Bellamy nodded slowly. "Why share it, if there's no way to fix it?" he suggested. 

"The same reason that we're talking right now," Monty said.

Why _were_ they talking right now? Bellamy didn't even know why he'd been drawn to Monty's table, except that he felt the same kind of need in him.

"To be miserable together?" he suggested finally.

"To not feel alone?" Monty said. "I wish I could make Jasper not feel alone."

"Me too." Bellamy let his shoulders relax again. What good were wishes? Pretty much none of his wishes had come true since they got to Earth. _Except the most important one_ , he realized. _Octavia is free and okay._

"I just wish there was some way to tell him--without making him mad--that no one expects him to be okay. Or--or you to be okay. Or Raven. I mean…" He trailed off, unsure what he _did_ mean. "I'm not thinking clearly anymore," he said, his voice muffled as he rubbed his hands over his face.

He needed sleep.

"They dropped us to Earth to… they didn't know if we'd live or die. They had no way to know. No one should expect any of us to be okay." Monty brushed his hair back with his hand, and looked at Bell. "But some of us got it worse than others."

"Yeah." Bell looked unhappily back at him. "Thanks, Monty."

A look of confusion crossed Monty's face. "For what?"

"Being miserable with me?" Bell quirked his lips in a tiny smile. "For letting me know I'm not alone."

"You're not alone," Monty confirmed. 

Bell's smile strengthened a little. "Neither are you." Then he made a face. "Well. Except when I sleep. Then I'm very much alone these days." He tried to make it sound like a joke. He wasn't sure he succeeded.

Monty dropped his gaze again. "Um. Yeah, I know." He had already eaten what was left on his plate, but he played with the fork anyway. "Wanna bunk together?"

Bell wondered suddenly if Monty had taken that as the wrong kind of invitation. Or--not the wrong kind, exactly, but not the one Bell meant. But maybe Monty didn't know Bellamy liked guys as much as girls. Bell cleared his throat. "I wouldn't mind sharing my blankets. It's...But I don't know if you'd want to trade Jasper's nightmares for mine."

Monty shrugged. "Who knows who's worse?" he said, and Bellamy noticed Monty's shoulders were tense again.

Bell offered him a small smile. "We can compare nightmares if we wake each other up," he said.

Strangely, he looked forward to sharing his tent. Even if it was just with someone who wanted to sleep beside him, instead of a comfort fuck. It must be like Monty said, it was good to know he wasn't alone.

"Yeah," Monty said, and he seemed relieved that Bellamy didn't think he was weird for suggesting it. "Yeah," he repeated.

Bellamy nodded. "Yeah," he said. And maybe that would give Jasper the space he needed. "See you tonight."

 

***

 

Jasper stared at the ceiling in his tent, wondering where Monty had gone.

He told himself that he didn't care. He didn't care about Monty. He didn't want to talk to him. But it didn't matter how much he told himself he didn't care. He did care.

As much hooch as he drank, the fact that Monty never came home that night didn't fail to bother him. 

So he was at least half drunk when he staggered out into the camp to look for Monty. Even if he was mad at Monty, he couldn't stand the thought of Monty being hurt or captured by Grounders.

Once Jasper was out under the stars, looking around the enclosed compound of the Sky People camp, he realized he had no idea where to look for Monty. Maybe he was with Raven? But when Jasper went to Raven's rooms, he heard her voice and Wick's voice, and that was it. And they sounded like they were...involved in stuff, so he didn't want to interrupt.

Jasper wrenched his hand around his stomach and collapsed to his knees. He'd never had enough alone time with Maya to do… _that_. And it broke his heart that he would never be with Maya in that way.

"Shut up," he told his brain.

He managed to stand, and looked around the camp. Then he felt at his waist. There was a bottle of hooch at his side. He could just leave the camp again… and maybe he'd manage to die this time.

He took a few steps towards the gate. It would be so easy. No one would miss him.

Except that wasn't true, was it? Even if Monty had given up on him (and what else was he supposed to think, since Monty hadn't come home tonight?), Bellamy hadn't. He could still hear Bellamy's voice saying he wouldn't leave Jasper.

Then again, who cared what Bellamy thought? Jasper's fingers caressed the bottle. Bellamy had been responsible for Maya's death. It was Bellamy's fault Jasper was alone tonight.

Jasper maneuvered his way past the guards, then wandered aimlessly into the forest. Once he was far enough, he'd start screaming. He started to walk towards Grounder territory, hoping Bellamy wouldn't find him tonight.

It was an unfounded hope. He'd taken no more than fifty steps into the trees when Bellamy stepped out from the shadows.

"Jasper. What the hell are you doing?" He sounded exhausted. Jasper noticed that, and then hated himself for noticing. He didn't care if Bellamy was exhausted.

"What the hell are _you_ doing?" Jasper snapped back.

"Making sure you don't do something stupid," Bellamy replied. "And trying not to sleep. But mostly making sure you don't do something stupid."

"Can't you just let me--" Jasper started. He sucked in a huge breath. "Leave me alone!" he shouted.

"No, damn it!" Bellamy shouted back. "You're not in your right mind!" He stepped closer, which was a mistake. Jasper pushed forward and shoved Bellamy off-balance. Bellamy staggered, trying to catch himself, and Jasper gathered himself enough to dart past him.

"Jasper!" Bellamy called after him.

Jasper went barreling off into the woods. He hoped Bellamy wouldn't follow. "Go home!" he yelled, his breath starting to quicken. Then his foot slid in something wet, and he skidded about a foot before stopping to see what it was.

Blood.

A lot of it.

What the hell had the Grounders done here? Death by a thousand cuts?

Panting, Jasper looked around him, acutely aware of Bellamy's approaching footfall, but looking for Grounders. They had to be near. Jasper was thankful he wasn't _as_ drunk as he had been last time he was out here arguing with Bellamy.

"Jasper!" At least Bellamy wasn't shouting quite as loudly the further they got from camp. "Where are you go--" He broke off with a muffled noise. Jasper could still hear him breathing, though, so he hadn't been attacked by a Grounder. "What the hell?" Bellamy breathed.

When Bellamy came into view, Jasper looked at him, wide-eyed. Bellamy was staring at the stretch of blood-covered ground that Jasper had slipped on. "No clue," Jasper breathed. His heart was thudding in his chest, and he wished he brought a gun.

Then again, he'd wanted to die, so why would he?

Bellamy stared back at him for a moment, his own eyes as wide as Jasper's. Then the flash of fear Jasper had seen transformed into determination. Bellamy sank into a half crouch, his gaze roaming the woods around them. He raised his gun, thumbing the safety off.

"Did you hear anything?" Bellamy breathed.

"Just you," Jasper said. He turned his back on Bellamy and scanned the woods. He didn't see or hear anything.

He had planned on drawing a Grounder out and picking a fight, but he hadn't planned for Bellamy to be here when it happened. He didn't want Bellamy to get hurt because of him, even if he hated himself for even caring if Bellamy got hurt.

He slowly started to back up to where Bellamy was, steadying his breath. "You shouldn't be out here."

"Neither should you," Bellamy whispered. His hand gripped Jasper's wrist. "What were they doing out here?"

Jasper shook his head, then glanced down at Bellamy's hand on his wrist. It felt… odd. But maybe that's because Jasper had been drinking. Though, with fear coursing through him, he felt all but sober. "Looks like they bled someone--or some _thing_ \--out."

He hadn't expected to be so afraid. _Probably not drunk enough_ , he thought.

"Maybe they were hunting," Bellamy said. The tone of his voice said he didn't believe that. "Let's get out of here. Out of Grounder territory."

"You go," Jasper said. Apparently, he was still drunk enough to be stubborn about this.

Bellamy's hand tightened on Jasper's wrist, and Jasper expected Bellamy to tell him to stop being stupid, but before Bellamy got any words out, faint voices could be heard in the distance. Something snapped closer to them, maybe a twig.

Bellamy's hand tightened further. He didn't speak, but he pulled Jasper's wrist, not hard, but making it clear he wanted Jasper to come with him. Jasper wished he would just leave him, but he had a feeling Bellamy was going to try to be as stubborn as he was.

Another twig snapped, this time behind Jasper.

Jasper swivelled around, breaking Bellamy's grip on his wrist. Bellamy turned too, but when he didn't see anything, he turned back around and pressed his back to Jasper's. Jasper figured he was trying to make sure they were scanning as much of the ground as possible.

There was a flash of movement, and Jasper whispered, "There." Then suddenly a Grounder was running at him, sword raised. "Shit," he breathed, eyes widening. He should have at least brought _some_ sort of weapon. If not a gun, _something_ that would have made this a fair fight.

When the Grounder swung his blade, Jasper lunged out of the way, doing his best to drag Bellamy with him.

Bellamy grunted. Gunfire exploded next to Jasper, making his ears ring. Bellamy was shouting, but Jasper could barely hear it through the ringing. Jasper spun to keep his eye on the Grounder who had charged them.

The Grounder came around, his muscles tensing for another charge. Bellamy fired again, and this time someone else screamed. Jasper almost swung to look behind him, then realized Bellamy was watching his back--and counting on Jasper to watch _Bellamy's_ back.

But what good was he going to do without a weapon?

The Grounder ran at him again, sword upraised.

This time, when Jasper shifted out of the way, he didn't react fast enough. The blade swiped his side, and Jasper screamed as he felt hot blood start to soak through his shirt. He didn't think it did any major damage, though. He might need stitches, but that was it.

He needed to get that blade out of the Grounder's hand, otherwise he'd wind up dead. In the abstract, dying had sounded like a great idea, but in the moment, Jasper wasn't too keen on the idea. Until he disarmed the Grounder, all he could do was dodge and hope the next time the blade connected, it wasn't worse.

Jasper ignored the pain in his side and lunged before the Grounder got his weapon up again. The Grounder was broader than Jasper, though he was shorter, and Jasper managed to knock him off balance, the pair of them toppling to the forest floor.

Jasper scrambled to get his hand around the wrist of the Grounder, hoping to bash the Grounder's hand to the dirt until he released the weapon.

He heard the gun fire once more and then click. Bellamy swore, and then there was no time to think about what Bellamy was doing.

The Grounder had obviously had more training than Jasper at fighting. He didn't struggle against Jasper's grip on his wrist. Instead he threw his heavier bulk against Jasper, trying to push him away. It worked against him, though, because Jasper's grip kept the maneuver from working. Jasper bashed the Grounder's hand once, twice--and the third time, he heard something snap.

The Grounder had found a rock the hard way.

Jasper flooded with relief as the sword slid a few inches across the dirt and stopped, and he quickly reached for it. He never got it, though, because the Grounder lifted his probably broken hand, fingers balled into a fist, and struck Jasper hard across the face. Jasper was vaguely aware of spit and blood flying from his mouth as he slid to the side. The Grounder used the opportunity to roll them, climbing on top of Jasper and punching him again.

Jasper felt dizzy, but his adrenaline kept him fighting. He flung his fist at the Grounder's face, but got blocked, then aimed for his ribs and connected, earning him a grunt of pain from the Grounder.

That was something, at least. He punched at the same place again, feeling the skin split on his knuckles. The Grounder grunted again, but didn't pull back. Instead he drove his knee into Jasper's hip. He'd probably been aiming at the groin, but Jasper twisted just in time.

Still, pain surged from his hip all the way to his toes, and he felt his eyes watering. It blurred his vision enough that he didn't see the next impact to his face. He flung his hands up, trying to shove the Grounder off of him. If he didn't get out of this position, it was over. But the Grounder was too damn heavy.

Then hands closed around Jasper's throat.

_Shit!_

Jasper reached up, clawing at the Grounders hands, but it didn't take long for the world to start going black around the edges.

Bellamy screamed something, but Jasper couldn't quite make out what. Then he heard a loud _crack_. The Grounder slumped down on top of him, his hands falling away from Jasper's throat.

"Jasper. Jasper." Bellamy's voice was urgent. The Grounder shifted on top of Jasper, but as his eyes cleared, he saw it was because Bellamy was dragging the Grounder off him.

"Talk to me, Jasper. Come on. Please."

Bellamy shoved the unconscious Grounder to the side and kicked him hard in the ribs. Then he turned to crouch over Jasper.

"Come on, Jasper," he whispered.

Jasper was gasping for air, so hard it was impossible to talk. But it felt good for fresh, cool air to be filling his lungs. He lifted a hand and squeezed Bellamy's shoulder, hoping it would make the world stop spinning. "'Mfffine," he managed to get out, then he rolled to the side and went into a coughing fit, trying not to cry out as the coughing made the slash in his side jolt with pain each time.

Bellamy let out a huge sigh. "Thank God," he muttered. "Okay, hang on. Let me get your side taken care of." Jasper heard Bellamy thrashing for a minute, then his hands were at Jasper's side, pressing hard enough to draw a deep groan out of Jasper.

"Sorry," Bellamy said. "I know it hurts, but we gotta get this bleeding stopped. We're lucky there were only two of them. Can you hold that there? Just for a second. Press hard." He waited for Jasper's weak nod. Then he stood up.

Jasper heard him take a couple of steps, pause, and then a few more steps. Bellamy breathed out sharply and then there was a wet thud. Bellamy made a noise Jasper couldn't identify, and then footsteps came back to Jasper.

When Bellamy appeared at Jasper's side again, he was holding the Grounder's sword, which had been wiped half clean.

"We've got to get that bleeding stopped so we can get back to camp," Bellamy said. His voice sounded thick, but he just knelt and put a hand over Jasper's on the makeshift bandage. "Can you sit up enough for me to tie that in place?"

Jasper nodded again. His throat was sore, and he didn't really have much to say anyway. He was in too much pain to have a conversation.

He steeled himself for the wave of hurt he knew would come when he tried to move, but for all he knew, there could be more Grounders on the way, and he didn't want Bellamy to get himself killed trying to get Jasper back to camp.

Damn it. He shouldn't care.

He shifted a little, winced, and then decided to get it over with in one motion instead of trying to gingerly push himself up. He shoved against the ground and got upright, but he couldn't help the cry of pain that escaped him.

It was then he heard footsteps in the leaves on the ground and Jasper felt himself still. He wasn't sure he could fight again. Bellamy had tensed and swung around to look in the direction of the sound too.

Jasper tried to get to his feet. He didn't know if he _could_ fight, but he was going to at least try. He tried to hold back the pained noises as he pushed himself to his knees, but when Octavia and Lincoln appeared, weapons ready, Jasper let out a gust of breath he'd been holding and sat back on his heels.

Octavia looked at Bellamy, then Jasper, then her mouth dropped open and she started running toward Jasper. She knelt in front of him and clasped her hands gently on either side of his face, her gaze flicking up and down over his features. "What the hell happened?" she gasped.

"Grounders," Bellamy said, his tone implying that should be obvious. "Help me, O. I need to get this bandaged."

"Your shirt isn't the cleanest thing to use," Lincoln pointed out. He sheathed his sword and knelt next to Jasper. "Let me put something on it first."

From one pocket he produced a set of vials. Selecting one, he gestured for Jasper to lift the bandage. When Jasper obeyed, Lincoln dripped the vial into his wound. Jasper hissed at the pain. Bellamy's hand gripped his shoulder.

Octavia's gaze flickered from Bellamy's hand to Jasper's face. "What are you doing so far out?" she demanded.

Jasper opened his mouth, flailing for an answer, but Bellamy said, "We thought we heard something, so we came to check it out."

Lincoln huffed a breath and produced a fairly clean length of cloth from another pocket. He pressed that over the wound in place of Bellamy's bloody shirt, then wrapped something around Jasper's torso to keep the bandage in place.

"Nice try, big brother," Octavia said. "Jasper reeks of hooch, and you're not stupid enough to come out here by yourself."

"Tha's wha' you fink," Jasper said, and realized his mouth was numb. Probably swollen.

He realized teling Octavia that Bellamy _had_ been coming out here alone was a shitty thing to do, since Bellamy had _tried_ to cover for him, but the words were out of his mouth before he thought about it. His head was still a little spinny, anyway. Maybe he had a concussion. Can't blame the guy with the concussion, can you?

"Bell?" Octavia's voice demanded an answer.

"Can we do this after we keep Jasper from going into shock?" Bellamy protested. "And maybe after we get back to the safety of camp?"

"Why? It sounds like you think it's perfectly safe _out here_ ," Octavia said.

Jasper looked up at Lincoln in time to see him roll his eyes.

"Yeah, well, I guess I learned better, didn't I?" Bellamy wasn't looking at Octavia. He was staring down at Jasper, but he didn't look angry. Jasper couldn't really tell what Bellamy was thinking.

"There will probably be others. They'll have heard the gunfire." Lincoln's voice was low and calm.

Jasper nodded, then regretted it as his head throbbed. It would have been bad enough for Jasper to get Bellamy killed. Even worse if he got Octavia killed. Jasper didn't know Lincoln all that well, but he seemed like a good guy, and Octavia seemed to love him.

Jasper mentally added Lincoln to the 'Try Not To Get Killed' list in his head.

His body was starting to feel numb now, so he was glad for that. Jasper reached out and took Octavia's hand in his. He waited until she stopped glaring at her brother and looked down at him, her gaze softening.

"S'sorry," he managed, and then his body revolted and the turned his head, bent at the waist, and lost his dinner on the ground.

He heard Bellamy make a disgusted noise, then cool hands were on his forehead. "Shh," Octavia said. "It's okay. Bellamy, don't throw up too."

When Jasper was finished, Octavia wiped his mouth and handed him a flask of water to rinse with. "Lincoln, can you carry him?"

"If Bellamy helps," Lincoln said. "Are you ready?"

That last question was apparently directed to Jasper.

Jasper blinked up at Lincoln. He wanted to protest, but there was no point to it. He wasn't going to make it back to camp like this.

He nodded slowly, and watched as Octavia stepped back and Bellamy and Lincoln stepped into place. Lincoln got his arms under Jasper's shoulders, and Bellamy got Jasper's feet. When they hefted him up, fresh pain erupted all over Jasper's body and he tried his best not to yelp, but failed.

The jostling as they started walking was also painful. Jasper closed his eyes and bit his tongue, trying to distract himself.

They weren't walking very long before Jasper blacked out entirely.

When he woke up again, he was in the medical unit of the camp. He glanced around, satisfied the room was empty, and then tried to sit up. His head made an angry protest, though, so he obeyed it and laid back on the cot.

He was shirtless, and feeling his side, he could tell his wound had been stitched and a fresh bandage had been wrapped around him. Satisfied with that, he reached up and touched his face. His lip was swollen and split, and one of his eyes was puffy. Turning his hand, he inspected his bloodied knuckles, and sighed. He dropped his hand back to his side.

"Maya," he murmured, talking to her, even though he wasn't sure he believed there was such a thing as an afterlife. "I miss you so much."

This wasn't what she would have wanted.

 

***

 

Bellamy's argument with Octavia took an hour and made Lincoln disappear off somewhere for some peace and quiet. No doubt the Grounder would be back once Octavia was finished chewing Bellamy a new one. Part of Bellamy was grateful. At least Lincoln was nice enough to spare him the humiliation of having it happen in front of anyone else.

Worse than getting shouted at by Octavia was having her ask him, in a grave voice, "Are you suicidal, Bell? We can get you help."

 _No, I'm not, but Jasper sure fucking seems to be_ , he'd wanted to tell her. But he hadn't. Even if he should have.

By the time he stormed out of Octavia's room and back to the tent he was now sharing with Monty, he was in a foul mood. As if having to kill someone--two someones--wasn't enough, then he had to watch Jasper almost die and get shouted at by Octavia.

He shoved the tent flap open, then belatedly remembered to say, "Hey, I'm back," just in case Monty had someone inside with him.

Monty was sitting cross-legged on the floor and seemed a little startled by Bellamy's abrupt entrance. He had something small in his hands that looked electronic, and had been inspecting it closely before looking up. Maybe he was fixing something for Raven, Bell thought.

He frowned after a moment, seemingly picking up on Bellamy's mood. "You need to be alone?" he asked.

"No," Bell snapped, throwing himself on his bedroll. Then he blew out a deep sigh. "Sorry. No. What are you working on?" He wasn't used to sharing his space anymore. He needed to work on that. He hoped Monty wouldn't leave. He wanted to have a couple swallows of his whisky and then try to sleep. It might be nice to sleep while listening to Monty tinker with something.

"It's for Raven," Monty said, confirming Bellamy's earlier suspicion.

Monty didn't elaborate, though. Maybe he thought Bellamy wouldn't understand. Or maybe Raven and Monty were working on something under wraps for now.

"I went to the medical unit," Monty said. It must have gotten around camp that Jasper had been hurt. There hadn't been many people awake at that hour, but news travelled fast inside the camp.

Bellamy closed his eyes, but all he saw was Jasper's swollen and battered face, so he opened them again. _Great. Something else to dream about._

"He was unconscious," Monty continued, when Bellamy didn't reply. "So I… just talked to him. Like the old days. When he's not awake, he's remarkably unargumentative." Bellamy could tell Monty was trying to make light of things, maybe to keep himself from being afraid for Jasper's life, but his voice sounded deeply unhappy.

Bell pulled out the whisky bottle, took a swig, and offered it to Monty.

"He got past me. He was drunk, and he was heading to Grounder territory, and I tried to stop him," Bell blurted. "And he got past me." He sucked in a breath. He was glad Octavia hadn't noticed how bad his hands were shaking. She wouldn't have let him leave.

"He got past me," Bell repeated. "And there were Grounders."

"Shit," Monty breathed. He turned the bottle in his hands for a moment, then sniffed at its contents before taking a drink. He looked at it again as he swallowed. "God, this is so much better than hooch."

He handed the bottle back to Bellamy. "I'm glad you were there," he said after a moment. He put the gadget he was holding down on the small stack of clothes he'd brought over from the tent he used to share with Jasper, then stood and walked over to the bedroll, sitting down on the edge.

Bell wiped a hand over his face. He'd scrubbed his hands, but he could still smell the copper-salt tang of the Grounder's blood. Clarke had made it look so...well, not easy, but she'd never had any trouble doing what had to be done. Bellamy wasn't that strong.

"Me too," he whispered, and took a long swallow from the bottle. Then he coughed. For a moment he thought his stomach might rebel, but with an effort, he swallowed again and exhaled.

"My sister thinks I'm trying to kill myself," he said after a long moment. "I'm not. But I think Jasper is."

He felt Monty go still at the edge of the blankets. He didn't say anything, but after a moment, he reached for the bottle in Bellamy's hand and took another swig. "We've fought before. More since coming to the ground than on the Ark." Monty shrugged. "I just… hated seeing him put himself in danger. At first, I thought he did it to impress people. I _know_ he did to impress Octavia for a little while. Before she shut him down. But now…" He trailed off. A little breath left him that Bellamy thought might have been Monty trying to repress a sob. "I always knew I'd get him back. We'd make up. Now I don't even know if he's coming back when he leaves."

Bellamy rolled his head to the side so he could look at Monty better. "We'll get through this," he promised. He didn't know how he would keep that promise, but he knew he had to. "You're not gonna lose your best friend."

He felt his throat tighten at the sudden memory of seeing Jasper stop struggling under the Grounder. He'd thought, in that instant, that he was too late. He'd hit the Grounder over the head with his gun anyway, but his heart had jolted inside him with terror.

"We'll get through this," he repeated. _Somehow._

Monty nodded, handing the bottle back to Bellamy. "Is he dead?" Monty asked. "The Grounder that hurt Jasper?"

Bell took a swig and swallowed hard. "Yeah," he managed. He clenched his hand to keep from checking again to see if he'd gotten all the blood out from under his fingernails. "My gun jammed," he choked out after a minute. "So I had to use his sword."

He took a long drink.

Monty sighed, then shifted to lay down next to Bellamy. Bellamy wondered if Monty had heard the break in his voice and wanted to comfort him somehow. 

Monty crossed his legs at the ankle and clasped his hands over his ribs, and just laid there silently. As strange as it seemed, it _was_ a comfort. As easy as Monty was to talk to, it was just as easy to just be around him without pressure to constantly talk.

Bell shoved the cork back in the whisky bottle and lay back down. He didn't look at Monty, but he kept his eyes open so he could see Monty in his peripheral vision. As the seconds ticked by, he felt his heartbeat and breathing slow down.

He wasn't alone. He may not know what to do next. He may not know how to keep Jasper alive. But he wasn't alone.

Bellamy drifted into sleep.

 

***

Jackson refused to let Jasper leave the medical unit until Abby had checked him out and they'd made sure he was stable. Jasper didn't tell the doctor why he'd been beyond the walls, and the doctor didn't ask. He just told Jasper to rest.

So Jasper was resting, somewhat resentfully, when Monty showed up.

He came in wearing a lost look, not quite meeting Jasper's eyes.

"You moved out." Jasper said the first thing that came to his mind.

Monty fidgeted for a minute, then dragged a chair over to sit down. "I thought you maybe needed some space."

"I figured you'd given up on me," Jasper said. He wished he could blame pain medication for his honesty, but the camp didn't seem to have anything good, so Jasper was just going to have to bear it until he healed.

In reality, he'd been talking to Maya a lot, when there was no one around, and it had helped some. It seemed weird that it would, given it was a pretty one-sided conversation, but it had. He'd started to consider forgiving Monty because… she would have wanted it.

Monty squinted at him. "I'd never give up on you," he said, his voice decisive. "You didn't give up on finding me when the Mountain Men caught me. We'll always have each other's back, because that's what best friends do."

Was Monty still his best friend?

It kinda hurt to question it, though, even just to himself, so Jasper supposed it was still the case.

"Yeah," Jasper murmured. He was considering forgiving Monty, but he suddenly realized that wasn't an easy thing to do. "Where'd you go?"

Monty shifted in his seat and looked away. "Um. Bellamy had space in his tent." He looked sideways at Jasper, as if he expected Jasper to be mad about that.

Jasper couldn't deny that there was a little flare of temper at the idea that Monty was bunking with _Bellamy_ of all people, but it dissipated pretty quickly. Jasper didn't really have enough steam to be angry right now. He supposed the injuries were sapping his energy a bit. The doctor had said he _probably_ had a concussion. His dizzy spells, the slight ringing in his ears, and the fact that Jasper had very limited memory of the actual fight with the Grounder seemed to confirm it. The doctor said it could take a week or more for him to start feeling back to normal.

So with his anger sapped, Jasper considered Monty's new choice of sleeping arrangements. If Jasper and Monty were on better terms, he probably would have teased Monty about "sleeping with Bellamy", even though he knew Monty was completely straight. Unlike Jasper.

Jasper didn't feel like joking yet, though. He would work on forgiveness, he decided, because that's what Maya would have wanted, but he didn't have to act like everything was okay.

"Why _Bellamy_?" Jasper said finally.

"I'm not sure." Monty hunched his shoulders. "He sat with me in the mess the other day, and we talked for a while. I just thought...maybe you needed space, and maybe he needed company."

Jasper snorted, then regretted it as a flash of pain ripped across his face and throat. His voice was still a little hoarse, and he gathered he'd been strangled, but only got flashes of it in his memory. "Bellamy's a hero," he said. "I'm sure he's got enough people to keep him company. He doesn't need to take my best friend too."

At least, Jasper _assumed_ everyone was touting Bellamy as a hero. He probably had girls trying to bang him left and right. Jasper had holed up in his tent for several days after returning to camp, though, not really speaking to anyone except taking the occasional jab at Monty. Even now, he was really only talking to Raven and Octavia. And now Monty. Jasper assumed most people at camp were just happy to have their people back because of Bellamy, and had thought the murder of hundreds of people at Mount Weather had been a necessary byproduct, casualties of an unjust war.

"He doesn't really," Monty said. "And he's not taking your best friend. I don't want to be Bellamy's best friend. I just…" He sighed and looked down at his hands. "He hardly sleeps, all right? And he'd kill me if he knew I was telling you this. But--he has nightmares. They wake him up. A lot. And honestly, if he keeps going out into the woods by himself just because he can't sleep, he's going to get himself killed by the Grounders."

Monty paused, then lifted his gaze directly to Jasper's. "Kind of like someone else I know."

Jasper looked at Monty for a moment, then ducked his gaze away, feeling a little bit of shame. There was no hooch in the medical unit for him to make him not feel anything, and he supposed now, that was why he had been drinking so much.

Laying here on this cot, he felt _everything_. And he hated it.

"I need you, Jasper." Monty's voice was so low he almost couldn't hear it. "Whatever's been going on in my life, you've always been there. No matter how hard stuff gets, you're there, and I know we'll get through it." He sniffed. "I know I don't understand what you're feeling right now, but you're not alone, okay? And you still have people who care about you."

Jasper closed his eyes. He didn't know what to say. He supposed it was true. People did still care about him. Monty wouldn't be here if he didn't. Octavia wouldn't have sat by his bed and held his hand not long after he'd woken up. Raven wouldn't have torn him a new one while Jasper's head pounded. Even Miller and Harper had come by.

"I know," Jasper said finally. His eyes started to sting, and he pressed his lips together as a tear escaped his closed lids. "I just don't care about myself."

"Do you still care about me?" Monty whispered.

Jasper drew in a deep breath, then opened his eyes and looked at Monty, ignoring the other tears that ran down his face. "Yes," Jasper managed, his voice breaking. "But it hurts."

Monty nodded and looked back up at him. "Then if you can't stay alive for yourself," he said, putting a hand on Jasper's wrist, where it lay on top of the covers, "stay alive for me. Until you care about yourself again."

Jasper let his eyes roam over Monty's face. He wasn't sure it was that easy. You can't _live_ for someone other than yourself, no matter how much they loved you, or you loved them.

Jasper lifted his free hand to wipe his face as a few more tears trickled out, but let Monty's hand stay where it was on his wrist.

"She liked you," he finally managed to choke out, and hoped Monty would drop the subject of Jasper's recklessness.

Monty squeezed his wrist and let go. "I liked her too. She was smart and brave. I liked you and her together."

Jasper nodded. He wasn't sure why he'd brought Maya up now. He raised a hand and ran it over his head. He kinda missed his hair, but it had felt good to cut it all off. Like he had some power over something, when he felt so powerless right now.

"Me too," he whispered.

Monty was silent for a few moments. "Do you want me to stay?" he asked after a while. "We don't have to talk."

"I don't want to talk," Jasper decided. "But… I'd like you to stay."

***

The first time Bellamy tried to slip out of the compound after his and Jasper's encounter with the Grounders, he discovered the Chancellor had ordered tighter perimeter security. Grumbling under his breath, he backed away from the perimeter, wondering what the hell he was going to do to wear himself out now that he couldn't patrol all night.

There was always the possibility things wouldn't work out between Raven and Wick, but he kind of felt bad for thinking about it. Raven looked happier than she had been since Finn's death. It was a shitty thing for Bellamy to wish for, just to scratch that particular itch with no strings.

The problem was, he couldn't think of anyone else he trusted enough to risk falling asleep afterwards.

"Doesn't matter anyway," he muttered, kicking at a rock. "What would I do with Monty if I brought someone back?"

Sharing quarters with Monty _had_ helped. Bell still had nightmares, but when they woke him, he could lie there listening to Monty's breathing until he calmed down again. He could tell sometimes that he'd woken Monty, but the other boy never said anything, which was fine with Bell.

With a sigh, he let his feet take him where they would. It was late enough that a lot of people were in bed, but there were still some around. He did his best to avoid people's eyes whenever he met someone. Some of them treated him like a hero, and some of them treated him like they were afraid of him. He didn't want any of that. He just wanted to be left alone.

He wasn't really surprised when he ended up outside the medical unit. He didn't know if Jasper was still in there, or if he'd been released today.

It didn't matter. He wasn't going to go in.

Really.

Bellamy crept to the door and peered around the edge. If he could just see Jasper and know he was doing better, that would be enough.

He froze when he heard Jasper talking.

"I know you said…" Jasper trailed off. To Bellamy's surprise, no one else spoke. "I just…" Jasper continued. "You didn't deserve it. Any of it."

Was Jasper talking to himself? 

No. _Maya_.

Oh, Bellamy knew he should _not_ listen to this.

Bellamy turned to leave, but his foot caught on the edge of the entryway and made scuffing sound that made him cringe.

"Are you letting me out?" Jasper called, his voice louder, but with a roughness that hadn't been there before the Grounder attack.

Gritting his teeth, Bellamy took a couple of careful steps back from the door. Maybe Jasper would think he was just hearing things. But life wasn't usually that kind.

"Hey! I know you're there," Jasper called.

Bellamy took another step away from the door, then cleared his throat. When he walked back to the door, he made his footsteps louder than usual. Maybe Jasper wouldn't realize Bellamy had overheard things he shouldn't have.

He paused in the doorway and coughed. "Hi," he said weakly. "I just wanted to see how you're doing."

Jasper had lifted his head off the bed and was looking toward the door. When he saw Bellamy, his expression changed, but Bellamy couldn't quite place what it meant. It wasn't angry, but it wasn't pleased either.

"Abby won't let me leave until tomorrow," Jasper said, his voice strange.

Since Jasper hadn't shouted at him or told him to go away, Bellamy stepped into the room. He stopped a couple of yards from Jasper's bed, not wanting to invade his space. "You did get stabbed by a Grounder," he pointed out.

"It's not like I lost anything important." Jasper prodded gently at the bandage on his side, making a face. His bare chest and arms looked remarkably uninjured, until you got to his wrists and hands. "Stitches are easy," he added.

"Infection isn't great." Bellamy didn't think he should have to remind Jasper of that, all things considered. His gaze was on Jasper's chest. It was thin, but there was more muscle than Bellamy would have expected. They'd all had to do more physical labor since landing the drop ship. He realized he was staring and jerked his gaze up to Jasper's head, which, oddly, looked more naked than his chest. "What happened to your hair?" he said, and only then remembered Jasper's head had already been shaved the night before.

Jasper's gaze dropped away from Bell's. "Needed a change," he said. He lifted a hand and brushed it over the top of his head. "Feels weird."

Bellamy instantly wanted to run his palm across it. He shoved his hands into his pockets instead. "It looks good," he said, though he wasn't sure it really did. It was too different. He'd need to get used to it.

Not that it mattered what _he_ thought of Jasper's hairstyle.

Jasper looked back at him, and then a strange expression crossed his face. It was sort of a grimace. "I haven't seen it yet," Jasper admitted. As the expression started to fade from Jasper's face, it occurred to Bellamy that Jasper might have been trying to _smile_ at him. Bellamy tried to remember the last time Jasper smiled at him. It might have been at Mount Weather, when Jasper had hugged him.

It felt like so long ago that Jasper had been so happy to see him.

Bellamy smiled doubtfully back at him, hoping he was interpreting that right. He looked around the room. "I could steal a mirror. There's got to be one around here somewhere."

He told himself not to hope. Jasper might be high on pain medication, even though they were running low on meds of all kinds. Or he might change his mind tomorrow and go back to hating Bellamy.

But there was a warmth in his chest that hadn't been there before.

"Ugh," Jasper said, rubbing the top of his head again. He sighed, then started to work his way onto his elbows. He was obviously in pain because his face twisted a little, but he pushed himself up into a seated position anyway. "I'm not sure I want to know. Raven looked at me like I'd lost my mind when she first saw me." He glanced at the door. "Tell me if you hear anything. Last time Abby saw me sitting up, she got all over me."

Bellamy took that as invitation to stay. He offered Jasper another smile. "Just don't try to get out of bed, or I'll get all over you too," he warned, and started searching shelves and drawers for a mirror. It only took a couple of tries before he found one that he could carry over to Jasper's bedside.

He hesitated before holding it up, though. "You, um, have bruises around your throat," he warned. "From where the Grounder tried to choke you."

Japser seemed to have forgotten about the bruises. His expression went blank when he saw himself. "Shit," he breathed. Bellamy could tell by the way Jasper's eyes moved that he'd barely even paid attention to his hair. He was focused on the split, puffy lip, swollen purple eyes and hand marks around his throat.

Bellamy saw Jasper's adam's apple bob, and then he clearly lifted his eyes to his hair. He took it in for a moment, then sighed. "Well, it's not the _ugliest_ thing about me right now." Jasper's shoulders had slumped.

Bellamy bit back the first thing he was going to say, which was that girls dug scars. It was too soon for a joke like that, he thought. "You look like a fighter now," he said, his lips quirking to one side. He dropped into a chair that was drawn up near Jasper's bed.

"A losing one," Jasper said, his voice flattening. After a moment, he shrugged. "Accurate."

"We won," Bellamy said. _We won together_ , he wanted to add, but he didn't. He wasn't sure if together was a word he was allowed to use around Jasper yet. He still wasn't sure if Jasper was going to lash out at him.

Jasper sighed. His eyebrows lifted a little, then lowered again. Bellamy wondered what he was thinking. Jasper had always been so expressive, enough so that he was usually easier to read. But his face had been shrouded in sadness since Mounth Weather. Bellamy couldn't read him again yet, but it was nice to see some life returning to his face.

"I barely remember it," Jasper admitted. "What I do remember was dying. Or… almost dying. You saved my life."

Bellamy rubbed a hand over the back of his neck. That was something he could actually be proud of. He _had_ saved Jasper's life. But he didn't want to gloat about it. "You got the sword away from him," he said.

Jasper tilted his head to the side, frowning, but he didn't say anything. He lifted a hand and rubbed his head again. He must have not gotten used to being nearly bald yet.

Bellamy shifted a little. This was going well so far, and he wondered if he ought to leave before he wore out his welcome. He _wanted_ to ask what Jasper was thinking, but he was almost afraid of what Jasper might say. Jasper was being amiable enough right now, but Bellamy didn't doubt there was more under the surface. One brush with death couldn't cure greif.

"Why aren't you patrolling?" Jasper finally said, giving Bellamy a sideways glance.

Bellamy grimaced. "Chancellor's increased the guard," he said. And Jasper wasn't likely to be trying to commit suicide by Grounder, tonight, so it wasn't worth sneaking past the guard. "I thought I'd give them a couple of days to relax."

He rubbed his hands together. They were starting to feel shaky, but he'd only been awake twenty hours. He could go a few more before he really started to lose control.

He noticed Jasper's expression suddenly looked a little lost. "Oh," he said, and Bellamy felt a little flash of… _something_. Was it anger? Concern? He wasn't sure, but he had the sinking feeling Jasper looked like that because he was suddenly worried about whether he could get out again.

"They always relax again," he said, though he didn't know why. After all, he wanted Jasper to stay inside the compound. "They still think we're kids. They don't understand we're the only ones who know how this world works."

He shrugged. He wished there was some way he could make Jasper want to stay. Some way to make himself important enough to Jasper that the other boy would stay without the guard on the perimeter. Something that would make Jasper want to stay alive.

"Look," he said finally, because he didn't know what else to say. "Is there anything you need? I mean…" He trailed off. He didn't know what he meant.

Jasper opened his mouth, then closed it, seeming a little uncomfortable all of a sudden. "Uh," he said, looking down at his lap. "Something to dull the pain would be nice."

Bellamy raised his eyebrows. "Doesn't Abby take care of that for you?" He knew they were running low on painkillers, but he'd have thought they would have given Jasper _something_.

Then he remembered what Monty had said about the herb. "I could ask Monty if he has any, ah, pharmaceuticals," he added.

Jasper shook his head and frowned. "We haven't had any of that since before lockup." Then his eyebrows raised. "Wait, you know about that?" he asked, then immediately shook his head. "You're bunking with Monty," he reminded himself. He fiddled with the edge of the bandage across his chest. "I think the camp's run out of the good stuff."

Bellamy frowned. Jasper knew he was bunking with Monty, but he didn't sound angry. Bell wasn't sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing. "The good stuff?" he asked, then finally understood. "You want me to get you some hooch?" His voice rose slightly at the end, but he caught himself. He leaned in and whispered furiously. "Have you forgotten the stupid things you do when you're drinking hooch? No way in hell am I getting you alcohol!"

Jasper winced, and ducked his head. "Just for the pain," he said quietly. Then a moment later, Jasper stiffened. "Wait, are _you_ judging _me_ now?" he said, trying to raise his voice, but just managing to sound more gravelly. 

"I don't go outside when I'm drunk," Bellamy said. "I know better than to do something like that. And yeah, what you're doing is stupid. There's never a time when trying to get yourself killed isn't stupid." He glared at Jasper. Would he even know when to stop to just drink for the pain? And for that matter, did he mean physical pain, or the pain of Mount Weather? Because Bellamy was starting to think there wasn't enough alcohol in the world to deal with that pain.

Jasper closed his eyes, tight enough that Bellamy knew it had to hurt, then he lifted a hand and wiped at his eyes. "You don't--" Jasper started, then heaved a breath and opened his eyes again, glaring back at Bellamy. "You couldn't understand. And you're lucky."

Bellamy opened his mouth to retort, then stopped himself. Jasper had a point. He'd never lost someone the same way Jasper had. Sure, he'd lost Roma, but that wasn't love. He'd liked her. He'd enjoyed sleeping with her, but it wasn't the same as Jasper and Maya. He closed his mouth. "Maybe I couldn't understand," he said finally. "But unless you're willing to let me stay here, there's no way I'm letting you get drunk. When you drink unattended, you do dumb stuff."

"I'm not exactly _unattended_ ," Jasper said. His anger was dissipating quickly. "They're in here once an hour or so. If I went missing tonight, the whole damn guard would be after me." He shifted his shoulders in an awkward way, as if trying to work out tense muscles. "And I never said you had to leave." That last part sounded grudging.

Bellamy straightened in his chair. He didn't care how grudging it was. If Jasper was willing to let him stay, it was way better than _Don't ever speak to me again _. He drew in a long breath. "Well," he said, "fortunately, I know a guy."__

He glanced over at Jasper, wanting to sooth him, but driven by a contradictory urge to provoke some reaction from him. "I'll be back in a few minutes."

All the way back to his tent, he considered what the best way would be to convince Monty to hand over some of his hooch. In the end, he decided the half-empty bottle of 107-year-old whiskey would be better than trying to convince Monty that giving Jasper alcohol was a good idea. Fortunately, Monty wasn't around when he stuck his head into the tent. Within ten minutes, Bellamy was back at the medical unit.

He glanced around for Abby or Jackson, then he took a healthy swig himself. He might wish, by the end of the night, that he was drunk too.

Then he stepped into Jasper's room.

"I just got chewed out for not _resting_ enough," Jasper muttered. He was laying back down again, and it was obvious that Bellamy had just missed either Abby or Jackson. Jasper looked at Bellamy, then glanced past him. Satisfied, Jasper sat up again, groaning. He pressed a hand to his side, over the bandage. "As if just sitting up is so taxing."

His eyes dropped to the bottle in Bellamy's hand, then they widened. " _That's_ not hooch."

Bellamy couldn't quite suppress his grin. "This is _so_ much better," he promised. He sat down next to Jasper's bed. "I found it in the bunker. With the guns. There isn't much, but I've discovered you don't really need much."

He held out the bottle.

Jasper's hand closed around the bottle, purple knuckles and all. He pulled the cork out and took a sniff. Bellamy laughed before he could stop it, both because Monty had done the same thing, and because Jasper couldn't exactly claim to be choosy when it came to numbing pain.

"What?" Jasper said, giving him a curious look as he lifted the bottle to his lips and took a long swig.

Bellamy shook his head. "You and Monty. You're so much alike in some ways. I promise, it's good. Monty liked it."

"Mmm," Jasper hummed, swallowing. He nodded his agreement, then took another quick swig before handing it back to Bellamy. "I don't remember not knowing him."

Bellamy looked at the bottle in his hand. Was that an invitation to drink with Jasper? He'd take it. He sipped and exhaled. "He's very...kind." It was weird that he would like that so much in a person. Once upon a time, he'd equated kindness with weakness. Monty had demonstrated that didn't have to be the case.

Jasper nodded and held his hand out for the bottle again. Bellamy handed it to him and Jasper drank. He rested the bottle on his knee, but Bellamy realized it was within his reach if he wanted more. "He's smarter than maybe anyone I know," Jasper said. "And kind." He took another swig. "That seems to be a rare combination. People are either smart and cruel, or not so smart and kind."

"Sometimes it's not cruelty," Bellamy hedged. "It's just...ruthlessness." He sighed and rubbed his face. "Finn. Finn was kind, mostly. And smart, too." He didn't mind admitting it, now that Finn was dead. Which was a horrible thing to think, now that he thought about it.

He snagged the bottle and took a long swig before offering it back.

Jasper took it back and took another drink. At this rate, Jasper would be feeling it soon, if he wasn't already. "I guess I'm just generalizing," he said. He lowered his voice, almost to a whisper. "Maya was smart."

Bellamy had barely met the woman who seemed to be controlling his every interaction with Jasper. He suppressed the urge to take the whisky back. "Was she?"

"Yes," Jasper murmured. Then he gave Bellamy a look Bellamy couldn't read and took another swig. Jasper blinked, then let out a little breath. "This is good." He hesitated, his brows drawing together in thought. "You just have one bed in your bunk, don't you?" he asked cautiously. Apparently, Jasper couldn't decide if he wanted to talk to Bellamy about Maya or not, so he had changed the subject.

Bellamy raised his eyebrows. "Not so much a bed as a bunch of blankets on the ground," he said. "But it's plenty big enough to share." He blinked slowly. "Monty hasn't been complaining, if that's what you're worried about." For that matter, it was Monty's idea, though Bell wasn't sure if Monty had remembered he only had one place to sleep. They hadn't had any trouble dividing the space between them, though.

He decided one more swig of whisky wouldn't hurt. He snagged the bottle and drank, then coughed. "Why do you care?"

Jasper opened his mouth, then closed it. "I just--- He's my best friend." He scratched behind his ear.

Bellamy glanced at him, then took a closer look. "You know it's not--I mean, just because Murphy and I--" He broke off. "Monty and I aren't _fucking _."__

Jasper gaped at him for a moment, then stammered, "No, I-- _Monty's_ straight!"

Bellamy sat back in his chair. Well, at least now he knew for sure that Monty hadn't thought Bellamy was propositioning him the other day. "Good for Monty," he said. "So what were you getting at, if you already knew that?"

Jasper shrugged, then reached for the bottle. Bellamy held it out of reach, then raised his eyebrows, making it clear Jasper wasn't getting that bottle back until he answered. Jasper sighed and slumped his shoulders. "I just wondered… wait, you and _Murphy_?"

Bellamy pressed his lips together. He'd thought more people knew about that. "Well, it was before we exiled him." He looked at the bottle, considering, and took a swig. "Before I let people hang him. That tends to kill a guy's desire to sleep with you."

Jasper stared at him for a moment, then reached for the bottle again. This time, Bellamy sighed and gave it to him. "I didn't know," he said. He seemed a little uncomfortable as he took another long pull from the bottle. He handed it back, then shifted to lay down on his uninjured side, facing Bellamy.

Bellamy took the bottle, but didn't drink. He studied the contents, then looked back at Jasper. "I thought everyone knew I favored him. For a while, anyway." He shrugged. He had learned a lot from the mistakes he made with Murphy. At least, he hoped he had.

"I just thought you were close," Jasper said. "I didn't know you were… I mean… There's nothing wrong with it. I mean… I'm…" Jasper made a face like Bellamy should know what he was about to say.

"You're…?" Bellamy had a feeling he _did ___know what Jasper was going to say, but he wasn't about to let it go unsaid. "You're what?" He leaned forward. "You're in pain? Do I need to get Abby?"

"No," Jasper blurted out. "Feeling a little numb now, thanks." He sighed, then his lips twisted a little. "I'm… like that too."

"Glad the whisky's kicking in," Bellamy said. He leaned back in his chair and took a slow sip. "Like what?" Damned if he was going to make this easy on Jasper, after all the grief Jasper had given him lately.

He shoved aside a pang of remorse. Jasper might be as bisexual as he was, but he _had_ just lost his first love. Bellamy ought to be kinder.

Jasper sighed, obviously understanding that Bellamy now knew, but wasn't going to let him not say it. "I like guys too," he said finally, looking annoyed. He closed his eyes and rubbed his fingers over the bridge of his nose, wincing a little.

Bellamy sighed and held out the bottle. He was feeling pleasantly tipsy, but if he drank any more, he would probably start telling Jasper things he didn't want to tell anyone. "That wasn't so hard, was it?"

Jasper lowered his hand and glared at Bellamy. "I've only ever told Monty before." He took the bottle and took a large gulp. Bellamy suddenly wondered how much Jasper was feeling the whisky, and if he would have told _Bellamy_ without it. It _was_ good whisky.

Bellamy shrugged. "I won't tell anyone." He frowned slightly. "How are you feeling?" He was starting to feel drowsy, which had to mean Jasper was close to falling asleep too. At least, he hoped it meant that. Even if Bellamy couldn't get any rest, Jasper ought to. He was still healing.

Jasper hummed a noise. "Good," he said, and it was clear from his voice that was the truth. He glanced at the bottle and gauged how much was left, and Bellamy followed his gaze. There was maybe one good gulp left. Jasper looked away, obviously not wanting to _ask_ for the last of it.

Bellamy sighed and held the bottle out. "Go on. But if you're hung over in the morning, you're not allowed to be pissed at me." Not that he would hold Jasper to that. He was honestly surprised the other boy had let Bellamy stick around as long as he had. Not to mention coming out as bisexual to him. He had to wonder if Jasper would still be speaking to him in the morning, or if this truce between them was as short-lived as the whisky.

Jasper took the bottle and gave Bellamy a little nod that that Bellamy knew was a thank you, then he drained what was left of the bottle. _Goodbye, good whisky_ , Bellamy thought.

Jasper wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, and Bellamy noticed he didn't wince this time.

Jasper closed his eyes and held out the empty bottle for Bellamy to take. "I asked for it,"

 

***

 

The next day, Jasper woke up with a headache that was worse than before. He supposed he shouldn't have drunk with a possible concussion, but he wasn't really sorry. It probably wouldn't do any permanent damage, and it had let him sit in a room with Bellamy Blake for quite some time without fighting him.

Jasper supposed he owed Bellamy that after Bellamy had saved his life. He didn't forgive Bellamy, but Jasper didn't have the energy to be openly hostile toward him. He wondered how long that would last. How long his "talks" with Maya would soothe him.

Octavia was visiting when Abby checked him out in the morning. When Abby said he could be released, Octavia had been nice enough to run and grab Jasper a shirt from his tent. When she got back, Jasper pulled it on and got out of bed.

It felt good to be on his feet again, but when they got outside, the brightness of the sun disoriented Jasper. He reached out and put his hand on her elbow. Without hesitation, Octavia pulled Jasper's arm over her shoulder and steadied him as they walked.

"I'm okay," he said.

"I'm not taking chances," she said. "I don't blame you for wanting to get out of there and out from under Abby's and Jackson's prodding, but you still need to rest."

Jasper looked down at her, and she gave him a smile. He returned it with a smile that hurt. "Thanks."

"Hey, you're one of my first friends," she said, "like, _ever_. I'm glad to help." She had changed so much from the first time he ever saw her on the Ark, but somehow her changes all made sense. She'd been brave from the moment they landed, and she'd never stopped being brave. She'd adapted better to this world than the rest of them, Jasper thought.

Jasper thought about what she'd said for a moment, and how strange it must've been for Octavia growing up. Jasper couldn't imagine what it had been like. None of them had siblings, except for Octavia and Bellamy, but Jasper tried to imagine only really knowing Monty for most of his life. Jasper thought he might have had the opposite reaction from Octavia and been scared of everything when he was finally free. But then again, he'd already established Octavia was stronger than him.

"How's my hair?" he asked after a moment.

Octavia looked him over. "You mean your Trauma Hair?" she asked, then laughed when he made a face. "That's what it _is_ ," she insisted. "It's alright."

Jasper sighed and lifted his free hand to shield his eyes from the sun. "I didn't have many options," he muttered.

"With your hair? You're right, you could either leave it like it was or shave it off." She nudged him gently. "Not judging, Jasper. You'll get used to it. Nobody else's opinion really matters."

They had almost reached Jasper's quarters. He eyed her, wondering if she wanted to come in.

Jasper gazed across the camp. He saw Raven sitting with Wick not too far off and she caught his gaze. Jasper smiled at her, ignoring the split in his lip, and she smiled back. Good. It looked like she was done being mad at him after yelling at him in the medical unit.

They reached Jasper's tent and Octavia started to pull away, but he tightened his hand on her shoulder, just enough to let her know she didn't have to leave if she didn't want to, but not enough that she couldn't say no. She probably wanted to get back to Lincoln.

To Jasper's relief, she gave him a gentle squeeze back, then pushed open the flap of his tent and walked in with him, guiding him to his cot. He didn't want to be alone. It was too tempting to find his stash of hooch and get drunk. It was for the pain, he told himself, but it had been for the pain since they'd left Mount Weather. Now he just had physical pain to add to the emotional.

He sat, and she sat down next to him.

"Everything quiet last night?" he asked, looking at the wall of his tent instead of her. Surely she knew he was over her, but… he'd pushed so hard for her after the dropship landed that he worried she might think he wanted rebound sex or something.

He _wouldn't_ make a move on her. Not with Lincoln in the picture. And surely Octavia would know that about him. But he felt a little uncomfortable none the less. People who were grieving sometimes did things they wouldn't normally, which had been obvious by his behavior lately, and maybe Octavia still thought he wasn't in his right mind.

Jasper thought sex… or something physical and satisfying… might be nice. Even if he'd never actually _done the deed_ yet. Like the alcohol, it would let him forget his pain for a while, and maybe even feel good. But he felt more in his right mind than he had since Mount Weather, and he wasn't going fuck things up with Octavia.

"Yeah. Lincoln's looking into whatever happened out there that you and Bell interrupted." She shrugged. "Abby doesn't seem to care what happened. Kane does, but he just tells Bell he did good getting everyone out of Mount Weather, and doesn't need to do anything else." She huffed. "Am I the only one who thinks we were doing a better job before the grownups brought the Ark down?"

Jasper smiled, then glanced sideways at her. "I'm pretty sure your brother agrees with you," he said. "Hard for me to say." Being separated from so much of the group, it was hard to tell. Things had _seemed_ pretty comfortable at Mount Weather at first, and then after it wasn't, Jasper hadn't really been involved in what the adults were doing until he was brought back to camp. And then, he'd refused to talk to people the first few days back, so Jasper still felt a little out of the loop.

Octavia chuckled. "Well, there's one thing, anyway." Her humor faded as she glanced over at him. "Jasper, I know you--I mean--" She broke off and pressed her lips together for a moment. "I'm really sorry about Maya. I didn't know her very well, but I liked her."

 

Jasper nodded, his throat going tight at the memory of Octavia holding Maya until Jasper got to her. "Yeah," Jasper said. "You don't need to be sorry. You… you were there for her at the end. Thanks for that."

She gave him a small smile. "Still. I know it's hard. I mean, I wasn't in _love_ with Atom, but…" She shrugged and looked down at her hands. "It was still hard. So it must be even harder when it's someone as important as Maya was to you." She shook her head. "I hate what happened."

"Me too," he said. He told himself he _wasn't_ going to cry. He felt like he was crying too much lately. Not that there was a too much or too little when it came to grieving, but Jasper was tired. "I've, uh… I've never felt that way before."

Octavia put her arm around his shoulders and squeezed gently, then pulled away again. It was just a friendly hug, but it let a little warmth spread through him. "I'm pretty sure you made her life better," she said. "Even though you guys didn't know each other for long."

Jasper rubbed at his eyes. "Yeah, I guess," he murmured.

She patted his shoulder. "You should try to rest," she said. "Maybe you'll sleep better in your own tent. Want me to stay for a while? Just until you get settled?"

 _I slept great last night_ , Jasper thought, though he wasn't about to tell Octavia that her brother had gotten him drunk on some really nice whisky. He had a feeling she might be more mad at Bellamy than Jasper.

"I've been resting since I got back to the camp," he protested weakly, and it was true not just after the Grounder fight, but of coming back from Mount Weather too. Though Jasper wasn't really sure how restful being drunk and angry in bed had been. But he knew she was right. The ringing in his ears was less, but hadn't gone away yet.

She was giving him a look that meant she was going to insist anyway, so he sighed and started to shift down onto the bed on his good side. "Up to you if you want to stay," he said. "I know you'd probably like to get back to Lincoln."

"Lincoln knows my friends are important to me," Octavia said. "He likes you. Maybe you guys can get to be friends." She sighed. "He sort of gave up all of his friends when he joined us, after all, and Bell's...taking a while to warm up to him."

Jasper huffed a small laugh. Bellamy had punished Atom for just _kissing_ Octavia, so he had no doubt that Bellamy would take a while to warm up to _anyone_ with his sister. And there was the small problem of Bellamy having tortured Lincoln too. Jasper wondered to himself if Bellamy felt guilty for anything he did. Lincoln, Murphy, Maya, the kids at Mount Weather…

And Jasper wondered if Lincoln could really still like him after the other night. Jasper knew he'd been stupid, and decided if he went out again, he would at least carry a weapon next time. "What makes you think he likes _me_?" Jasper said, sounding disbelieving. "Especially after…"

"He said to tell you hi for him," Octavia said. "And I always kind of like people after I've saved their life." She grinned at him. 

He felt a grin grow on his face at that. "Me too," he said, giving her a sideways look.

She laughed and leaned over to kiss his forehead. "Now close your eyes. You're supposed to be resting."

Jasper let out a small laugh too, probably the first real one in a while, and Octavia's smile strengthened like she was happy to hear it. "Okay, mom," he said, and closed his eyes.

The last thing he remembered before drifting to sleep was her hand slowly stroking his shoulder.

 

***

 

Bellamy knew Jasper had been released by the doctors. Octavia had found him to shout at him a little more, and she'd let that slip, so he hadn't had to check for himself. He was trying not to resent the fact that she blamed him more than she blamed Jasper. At least he wasn't going outside the camp drunk off his ass.

He wasn't sure why he didn't just tell her what Jasper was doing. Why cover for Jasper when the other boy had thrown him under the bus?

But every time he thought about telling Octavia, he imagined the pain on Jasper's face and swallowed the words. He didn't want Jasper hurt. Not even by hurting Octavia's good opinion of Jasper.

Still, Bell was more than a little grouchy when he went to Jasper's quarters to check on him.

He pulled the tent flap open just a little so as not to intrude and said Jasper's name, quietly, in case the other boy was sleeping. He heard shifting, and then something hit the floor. "Who'sit?" Jasper muttered, obviously slurring.

"God _damn_ it!" Bellamy snapped. Then he realized he shouldn't have said anything, but honestly. What the hell? Hadn't Jasper learned _anything_? He took a deep breath. At least Jasper was in his tent and not outside the camp.

"Sorry," he muttered, stepping into the tent. "It's me."

"Shit," he heard Jasper mutter under his breath, and then there was more shifting. "Whad'you want?"

Bellamy sighed and plopped on the floor. "Gee, I don't know, to see how you're doing? Octavia said you got out of the medical unit this morning." When he looked down, he saw the bottle of hooch Jasper had clearly been drinking. He swiped it before Jasper could see and tucked the bottle behind him.

"Mm'fine," Jasper said. "How're you?"

Bellamy rolled his eyes. "Oh, I'm great. I love saving someone's ass one day and a couple of days later finding him too drunk to give a shit about anything. That's just the cherry on top of my day." He really ought to leave. Arguing with Jasper wasn't going to accomplish anything.

Jasper finally looked at him, eyes bleary, then his eyes darted down to where the bottle had been and he looked confused. "It's'fer the pain."

"Yeah, you're definitely feeling no pain right now." Bell snorted. "Give me a break, Jasper. You've been getting drunk every night, from what I can tell. It's not for the fucking pain."

Jasper pushed to a sitting position and searched his covers. "'Yes'tis," he managed. Bellamy wasn't sure, but he may have even been more drunk now that the first time Bellamy had found him in the woods. Of course he was, though. When you get drunk laying down, sometimes you don't feel it until it's too late.

"All kinds'f pain," Jasper said.

"Yeah, well, this never works. It lets you ignore the pain for a while, but when you wake up, it's right back there." Bellamy knew that from hard experience. He'd tried it after Octavia was taken away from him on the Ark. It hadn't worked then, and it wouldn't work now.

He sighed. "Never mind. You clearly don't give a shit what I have to say. I don't know why I even came here."

"Glutt'n fer punishmnt?" Jasper asked, then he seemed to give up on looking for his bottle and he sighed dramatically, crossing his arms over his chest. His fingers picked idly at the bandage Bellamy knew was under his shirt.

Bellamy snorted. "Apparently." He shook his head and started to stand up. "This is a waste of time. I guess if I want to talk to you, I'd better catch you before noon."

"Wha' d'you 'spect, Bell… amy?" Jasper blurted out.

"I don't know," Bellamy said. "Better than this." He swallowed hard against a sudden tightness in his throat. Maybe he'd been wrong. Maybe he _had_ lost Jasper. You couldn't keep someone who didn't even want to keep himself. "Sleep it off," he muttered, and turned to go.

"Fuck you," Jasper muttered, and that was clearer than everything else Jasper had said because he enunciated hard. "Y'kill my gilfren' an' you wan' _me_ t'be bett'r?"

Bell whirled back to face him. "My God, you think I'm _proud_ of that? I did what I thought I had to, Jasper! It's not like I wanted to. I was trying to save our people--as many of our people as I could. We gave you as much time as we could! What the hell else were we supposed to do?"

"Y'don' know!" Jasper shouted. "Y'don' know how long it would'a tak'n me t'kill Cage! How could'y've known?!"

"Have you forgotten we had cameras on everything?" Bellamy shouted back. "We knew what was happening in every part of Mount Weather, and if we didn't act when we did, a lot of our people were going to die!"

"A lot'f people _did_ die!" Jasper snapped.

"Not _our_ people!" Bellamy snapped back. "Most of the people who died were the ones trying to _kill_ our people. We didn't mean for Maya to get caught in that."

"Well y'din do anythi'g to stop it, di'you?!" Jasper's eyes filled with tears. "Or 'bout th' kids." He seemed to sway where he sat, and he covered his forehead with his hand, looking down. "There w'r resist-- resistrers-- _resisters_."

Bellamy took a long breath. The children featured prominently in his nightmares. He'd never set out to hurt children. "I'm sorry, Jasper," he choked. "God knows I'm sorry, but I--" His voice broke and he looked away, breathing hard.

How could he defend his actions to Jasper when he couldn't defend his actions to himself? _Look at what you've become_ , he thought bitterly.

"Bu'you _what_?" Jasper demanded.

"But I can't take it back," Bellamy whispered. "I can't change it, so I have to live with it." His eyes stung. He blinked hard, clenching his jaw.

"You're not th'only one," Jasper spat. "Y'din' kill anyone y'cared 'bout. Jus' someone I did."

"I'm sorry!" Bellamy shouted again. "How many times can I fucking say that before you believe me? I'm sorry, Jasper. I'm _sorry_." His hands were shaking. He wanted to punch something. Not Jasper. He'd hurt Jasper enough. But something. Someone. If he could find Cage Wallace's body, he'd punch that until his knuckles bled.

The tears that had been in Jasper's eyes were running down Jasper's bruised cheeks, but he didn't seem to be sobbing. Just letting them flow. "Wish I could say tha' helped," Jasper said. "Wish I coul'… Wish ther'was nothing to fuckin' forgive."

Bellamy took several harsh breaths, trying to keep from letting his own eyes overflow. This wasn't doing either of them any good. He nodded. "Yeah, well, if wishes were horses," he said when he'd finally regained control of his voice. "You're right, Jasper. I'm sorry, but that'll never be enough."

He snagged the bottle of hooch as he headed for the door.

"Hey, tha's mine!" Jasper shouted, obviously finally figuring out where his bottle was. Bellamy ignored it and pushed the flap open to leave, but froze when Jasper spoke again. "Fine! Run 'way! Run away like Clarke did!"

Bellamy spun. "I'm not _running_!" he hissed. "It's not like I can run away from the nightmares, anyway! Do you think any amount of running will make me forget what Maya looked like after I pulled that lever? Do you think I could _ever_ run far enough to forget that you fucking hate me for what I did?" His voice was rising the longer he went on, until he was shouting. "I can never get away from what I did, and I don't even know if I'm allowed to want to get away from it! I know I fucked up! I know I can't live that down! What more do you want from me?"

 

He stopped screaming and stared, panting, at Jasper.

To his surprise, Jasper didn't yell back at him. He had dropped his hand and was staring back at Bellamy, his cheeks wet. Slowly, Jasper opened his mouth to speak, but it almost looked like a slow-motion gasp. Then Jasper closed his mouth.

Bellamy looked away, trying to control his breathing, trying not to lose it any more than he already had.

When Jasper spoke again, it was much calmer. "Tha's a start," he said.

Bellamy lifted a shaking hand to wipe at his face. He wasn't surprised when his palm came away wet. "I dream about her," he said hoarsely. "The kids, too, but Maya--" He broke off and looked away. He wasn't even sure if he should say her name in front of Jasper. "Every time I close my eyes, I can see her face, or theirs." _Or yours, now_ , he didn't say aloud.

Jasper looked back up at him, tears streaming again, though he still looked surprised by Bellamy's words. "Me too," Jasper breathed. "I din' think you…"

Bellamy exhaled shakily. "Why do you think I spent so much time outside the compound?" he asked. "I can't sleep or I see their faces. So I go out there and make myself useful." He bit his lip and forced himself to keep looking at Jasper. "If I'm not alert out there, I end up dead. So it keeps me alert." Mostly.

"If'I'm alone, I--" Jaspered stopped, wiping a hand down his face. He reached a hand out for the bottle Bellamy was holding.

"You're _not_ alone," Bellamy said, and chucked the bottle out the tent flap instead of handing it to Jasper. "How do you not get that you aren't alone unless you choose to be alone?" His breathing was starting to even out, but his hands were still shaking. "You've got Monty." He shook his head and looked away. "And you'd have me, if you wanted."

"Monty has you," Jasper said. "Not that I…" he trailed off.

Bellamy snorted. "Monty is your best friend, Jasper. He's never going to not have your back. Trust me on that." He shook his head. "And while we're on the subject, stop being such a shit to him. He didn't do _anything_ to deserve you shutting him out like this." Of course, he had, but Bellamy was _never_ going to tell Jasper that.

"I'm trying," Jasper said.

Bellamy's knees were shaking now, too. He'd gotten maybe an hour of sleep last night, but he'd spent most of it staking out the perimeter and looking for a good place to get out. For some reason, Kane trusted Lincoln to go outside, but not Bellamy. Not that it was going to keep him inside much longer.

"I gotta go," Bellamy said finally. Because he didn't really want his legs to give out in front of Jasper. "Sleep it off, okay? And maybe talk to Monty tomorrow. He misses you." He started for the door, wondering if he could pick up the bottle of hooch outside without falling over.

 

***

 

Bellamy didn't drink as much of the stolen hooch as he'd planned to. When he got back to his tent, Monty was there, doing his best to pretend he hadn't heard Bellamy and Jasper shouting at each other. Bell decided to take that at face value. He got ready for bed and, after a few swallows of the hooch, dropped into an exhausted sleep.

He actually slept for a few hours without dreaming, but eventually it started.

_First the laughter of children, which was how it often started. Bellamy was creeping through the halls of Mount Weather, dressed like a guard, and he could hear children laughing. He peered into a room where four girls and a boy were chasing each other in circles. Tag. It was a game._

_Bellamy emptied his gun into the room, dropping the children in their tracks. Then he moved on to the next room. Somewhere inside him he was screaming that this was wrong, this wasn't what he wanted to do, but he couldn't control his own body._

_Then Maya was there, her face burned by radiation. One side of her face was almost gone, the flesh had burned so badly. She grinned at him. "You're next," she said. "They'll burn you, but you'll never die. You're not good enough to die."_

_Then he was surrounded with people, most of them from Mount Weather, but Atom was there too, and Charlotte, and Finn. They were all moaning his name, reaching out for him, their hands glowing. And over their heads, he could see Jasper, his face and throat still bruised from the Grounder attack. Jasper grinned at him, blood trickling from the corners of his mouth._

_"Way to get me killed, Bellamy," he said. "Now we'll make you pay."_

Bell jerked awake, swallowing his screams. He sat up, breathing hard, and looked around. It was dark, but he could hear Monty breathing. Wait, there was a snore. Good. He hadn't woken Monty up.

He drew his knees up and leaned on them, wiping his face with shaking hands. This wouldn't do. He had to get out of the compound. He needed some air.

He fumbled at his side until he found the bottle of hooch. He shook it, decided there was just enough to make it worthwhile, and chugged the rest of the bottle. He wiped his mouth and sighed. Damn Jasper for bringing all of this up. That nightmare had been the worst one in a while.

He stood up and dressed quickly, tucking a knife in his boot. He shouldered his gun and, at the last minute, snagged the sword he'd taken from the Grounder the other night. He stepped carefully over the sleeping Monty and was almost out of the tent when Monty spoke.

"What are you doing?"

Bell sucked in a breath. "Nothing. Go back to sleep."

Monty hesitated, and Bell could hear him draw a steadying breath. "What are you doing?" he repeated, more insistence in his voice.

He ought to just leave. Monty couldn't stop him. "Can't sleep," he bit out. "I'm going to get some air." Outside the fence.

Monty made a thoughtful noise. "I need some air too," he said, standing and moving closer to Bellamy. "Mind if I join?"

"Kind of wanted to be alone," Bell said. Seriously, of all the times for Monty to start being pushy. He took a step away from him. "Clear my head," he added.

Monty stopped walking. He was halfway to Bellamy. "We don't need to talk," he said gently.

"You don't really want to go," Bell said, his tone flat. "Not where I'm headed." He couldn't quite suppress a bitter chuckle. "We all go to hell alone, anyway."

"What the hell does _that_ mean?" Monty said. Bellamy heard his footsteps again, and then a hand curled around his elbow. "I can help."

Some part of Bellamy wanted to lean into that touch, wanted to relish the fact that someone gave a damn about him. But Jasper was right. Both Jaspers. The one lying drunk in his tent _and_ the one in his dream. He shook Monty's hand off. "No one can help. You'd be better off helping Jasper. At least he deserves it."

"You deserve it too," Monty said, sounding flustered, then he jumped around in front of Bellamy. "You have to deserve it. If you don't, neither do I."

Bellamy dropped his head until his chin almost touched his chest. "Yeah? Did you torture your sister's boyfriend? Did you string someone up just for kissing her?" He glared at Monty. "Did you let a little girl throw herself off a cliff to save your life, Monty?" He gave a hopeless little chuckle. "You ended up down here for stealing weed. I ended up down here for trying to murder the Chancellor."

Bell thought back to the faces from his dream and shivered. "You're a good guy. I'm _not_ a good guy. Just let me go."

He shoved past Monty a little harder than he'd meant to and stalked out of the tent.

Monty wound up in the dirt, and Bellamy walked past him. "I'm not going to let you go," Monty said. "I know… you came down here for your sister." his voice was fading. Monty wasn't following him.

Good. He could get on with this. He shoved aside the fresh guilt for knocking Monty down. Monty would realize he was an asshole and let him go. Maybe he'd check on Jasper and make sure Jasper was okay.

Of course, there was always the possibility Monty would go to the guard. Bellamy didn't waste time. He jogged through the darkness to the spot he'd identified as the best way out, and waited for the guards to reach the furthest point on their patrol section. Then he was out and in the trees.

He'd start with the spot where he and Jasper had been attacked. Those Grounders had been up to no good, there was no question of that. They'd definitely killed someone there--or some _thing_ \--and that spot had been a lot closer to the Sky People camp than was comfortable.

And if the Grounders caught up with him while he was investigating...well, at least maybe he'd go out doing something useful.

He scoped around the area, finding the spot of blood. It was no longer wet and slick, but cruddy and congealed. No one seemed to be around, though, so he moved deeper into Grounder territory, being as quiet as he could be.

It wasn't long before he heard the clear signs of life from behind him.

"I think I see him," someone said, and it sounded like Monty.

 _Son of a bitch._ Bellamy stopped walking. Monty wouldn't have followed him, would he? Not alone, definitely. He held his breath, listening.

 _If I can hear them, any Grounders around can definitely hear them. Him._ Bellamy wanted to tell Monty to stop talking, but he really didn't want Monty to find him.

On the other hand, if Bellamy didn't stop him, Monty might get himself killed, and then Bellamy would have to throw himself off Charlotte's cliff.

He exhaled slowly, cursing nosy nerd boys who decided you were their new friend, and went back the way he'd come. He was better at moving quietly in the forest than Monty, thanks to having more practice. He was almost close enough to touch Monty when he said, "If you don't shut up, the Grounders will hear you," in a very low voice.

"Us," Monty whispered, and to his horror, Bellamy glanced over and saw his sister was with Monty.

Bellamy shoved his face close to Monty's. "What the hell are you doing?" he whispered fiercely.

"You shoved me," Monty whispered. "You're an asshole sometimes, but I don't think you would've shoved me if you weren't… I dunno."

Bellamy glared at Monty, but he couldn't deny anything the other boy said. "I can't believe you brought my sister out here to follow me," he whispered.

Octavia eased up alongside Monty. "I am so killing you when we get back to camp, big brother," she said.

Bellamy felt a sudden, unexpected pang of sympathy for Jasper. He'd just come out here trying to...well, get himself killed...and someone kept getting in the way. Bell sighed softly. "I wanted to figure out what the Grounders were up to," he told her. He shot Monty another glare. "But fine. You win. Let's go back to camp."

"Lincoln doesn't think it's the Grounders," Octavia said, grabbing his elbow and dragging him towards them, obviously wanting to get Bellamy to camp. "Has nothing I've said to you sunk in?" she said.

"Which part?" he grumbled. "You didn't tell me Lincoln didn't think it was Grounders." He let her drag him, though. It occurred to him that Octavia, at least, would care if the Grounders killed him. Or whoever it was Lincoln thought was responsible.

"I just found out," Octavia said. Her grip loosened as Bellamy started to follow willingly. "None of the Grounder signatures are here. We're wondering if there's still a Mountain Man out there. Maybe the Grounders meant to attack them and found you and Jasper instead."

Bell's lips twisted in a bitter smile. "Didn't you hear, O? I irradiated Mount Weather. Pretty sure that killed everyone in it who wasn't a Sky Person."

Octavia frowned. "That's why Lincoln had to kill Cage outside later?" she asked. "If he got the treatment, others did."

"Come on," Bellamy scoffed. "Cage was the head honcho. Of course he was going to get the treatment before anyone else."

"Nope," Monty put in, earning himself a glare. "No, seriously, Bellamy, that's not how science works. You don't test an experiment on your most valuable subject. You make sure it won't kill you first."

Bellamy frowned. Now that they were talking about this… a memory tickled at the back of his thoughts. He'd been in the ducts, and he'd overheard Cage and… "There was a guard. Clarke sent him back with a message for Cage, and he got the treatment. They were talking about bombing Tondc, so I kind of fixated on that part."

"We just aren't sure who it is," Octavia said. Her voice went a little flat, "Or what their point is. Maybe they went a little crazy after everything happened."

Bell snorted. "We're all a little crazy down here," he muttered. "God. Jasper had the right idea." He suddenly wished he had gone back to talk to Jasper instead of coming out here. Not that it would have done any good, but he wanted to be around Jasper. Bellamy sighed. "Maybe it's just someone who wants to kill everyone he sees."

Monty's expression took on a knowing glance, and Bellamy saw him look at Octavia. Octavia's look was angry. "What do you _mean_ Jasper had the right idea?!" she spat. "Jasper almost _died_!"

"Keep your voice down," Bellamy snapped. "Even if it wasn't Grounders who made that mess, they might be around. Not to mention whoever _did_ spill all that blood."

"Don't avoid the question," Octavia hissed, lowering her voice.

"Just forget it, O," Bellamy said. "I'm going back with you, aren't I?"

"Like hell I'm going to forget it," Octavia said, but she looked toward camp. She reached her hand back to tug Bellamy again, but let go when he hurried his pace a bit.

Monty mouthed, "I'm sorry," from a few feet away.

Bellamy glared at him, but there was no heat to it. He should have known better than to be a jerk to Monty. He knew Monty still felt guilty for his own part at Mount Weather, and Monty was one of the genuinely nicest guys Bellamy knew. He'd only been trying to do what he thought was right. After a long moment, Bellamy took a sidestep and nudged Monty's shoulder with his own. Then he looked ahead at Octavia and kept walking.

Monty let himself be nudged to the side, then shifted back in line. "Sorry," he whispered, more audible this time.

"You did what you had to," Bell murmured. He glanced over at Monty and felt a stupid rush of affection for his friend. "No hard feelings."

Monty nodded, and then they walked back to the camp in mostly silence. Octavia had forced herself under Bellamy's arm by the time they'd gotten back, and Monty obviously didn't want to come between the siblings, but when he got to Bellamy's tent, he gave Octavia a serious look.

"I got him," he said.

Octavia hesitated, then handed Bellamy over. Bellamy stared in surprise at Monty. Octavia left and then Monty walked him into the tent.

Bellamy looked in bewilderment at his temporary roommate. "Thanks," he said after a moment. "I...didn't deserve that."

"Didn't deserve," Monty repeated, then guided Bellamy over to his bedroll. "You need to start believing you deserve more." He flopped Bellamy down on his bedroll, then sat on the dirt near him.

Bellamy sighed. "Have you missed the part where I'm responsible for hundreds of people dying? At what point do I even begin to think I deserve anything good? Jasper's right. I killed his girlfriend. And children. People who'd helped us. God, Monty, how can you even look at me?" He pressed his fingers against his eyes and wished he'd stolen a full bottle of Jasper's hooch. "I can't even look at me."

"I'm responsible for all that too," Monty said. "Maybe not...the same way, but…" Monty sighed and laid down next to Bellamy. "Enough."

Bellamy rolled onto his side so he could look at Monty. Monty, who was still sane. Who somehow believed there was hope in the world. No wonder Jasper had risked so much to save Monty in Mount Weather. Who wouldn't do anything to have a friend like Monty?

"Put that blame on me," he mumbled. The adrenaline of being outside, the despair from his dream, all of it was mixing into a weird exhaustion. "Not you. You're a decent guy, Monty." He closed his eyes. "Jasper's lucky."

Monty shook his head. " I wish I could put it on you. If I could forget, maybe I would."

Bellamy slid a hand out until it touched Monty's shoulder. "We'll get through this, huh," he mumbled. "Together." The ground felt like it was sliding out from under him. If he dropped off the edge, the dreams might be waiting… But maybe Monty would stay, even if they were.

Monty nodded, then took Bellamy's hand and slid it under his shoulder. Monty's head came to rest on Bellamy's shoulder. "Together," Monty said.

 

***

 

Jasper was asleep and not actually dreaming about anything when the monster broke into his tent and shook him awake.

Once he was awake enough to stop whimper-screaming and realize it was Octavia, he thought he might have preferred a monster.

"What," Octavia hissed, "did you do to my brother?"

"Whah?" he managed. He was only half-awake… and _definitely_ hung over. Or maybe still a little drunk. Or both.. "What'dyou mean?"

"I mean," she said, leaning her face close to his, "that I just found my brother by himself in Grounder territory, half drunk, trying to get himself killed. And I only knew about it because Monty was worried about him." She dragged Jasper into a half-sitting position. "I like you, Jasper, but the whole damn camp knows you and Bellamy had a knock-down-drag-out earlier, so I'll repeat my question. What. Did you do. To my brother."

"I just,' Jasper said "I-- didn't _do_ anything to him... and I didn't _say_ anything to him that wasn't the truth."

Octavia lowered him gently enough to his bed and rocked back on her heels. "You'd better tell me everything, because I have never in my life seen my brother look like he did tonight."

""We argued," Jasper said. "But he really didn't want to." He shifted in his bed so he could sit up. "He tried to leave and I accused him of running away." He swallowed hard. "Like Clarke."

Octavia sighed and dropped back to sit on the ground. "You do get that Clarke broke my brother's heart by leaving, right?" she said. "God, Jasper, of all the things you could have said."

"Of all the things I couldn't care less about," Jasper said. "If it wasn't for Clarke, I might not be mad at Bellamy at all."

"Jasper, he only came here for me," she said. Her lips twisted unhappily. "The things he's had to do because he thought he was keeping me safe--" She ducked her head and took a deep breath. "I think he's trying to kill himself," she whispered. "All he ever wanted was to be in the guard on the Ark. Bellamy isn't some horrible person. He can be--controlling and overbearing, yeah, but he just wants to protect people. And I get he's made mistakes, but he's my _brother_ , Jasper."

"He isn't some horrible controlling person," Jasper agreed. "Unless we're in danger. And then he thinks he--and Clarke--are judge and jury."

"We all do stupid things when the people we love are in danger," Octavia said. "Bellamy shot Jaha for me. I gave up my place in the Grounder army for Bellamy. And I know you were going to kill Cage for Maya. But she made her choices, too, Jasper. Don't you think you're cheapening her sacrifice when you act like this?" Her expression was hard, but her eyes were compassionate. "She chose to help us. She went all in with us. Protecting Bellamy inside Mount Weather. And he tried to protect her, but what should he have done? Killed Clarke to stop her from hurting Maya? Because there's no other way Clarke was going to stop, and Bell'd halfway fallen for Clarke. He was sure as hell under her spell of leadership."

She shook her head. "And now he's walking around, putting himself at risk because he thinks he's the worst person who ever fucking lived. So thanks for that."

"Thanks for--? Jasper gasped. "Thanks for that?" he asked. "I only ever blamed him for what he did. You can't blame me for him hating himself." He drew a deep breath. 

"Maybe not," she said. "But I can blame you for making him act on it. Because from what I can tell, he was coping until he had saved your ass from the Grounders the other night."

"I told him to leave me alone," Jasper snapped. "I told him to go away."

"That makes it so much better," Octavia snapped back. "Listen, you're grieving. You have a right to that. But we've all had bad shit happen down here. You don't get some special prize for losing someone. So in the morning, when my brother's sober and hopefully a little saner, you can damn well help him." She gathered her feet under her in preparation to stand. "Who knows, maybe it'll even help you, too."

Jasper couldn't help staring at her, mouth open. "I don't get some _special prize_?" he hissed. He didn't want to fight with Octavia. _God_ , he didn't want to… but now she somehow blamed him for Bellamy's guilt. "So if-- _when_ \--you lose Lincoln, you want me to just expect you to _'buck up, soldier!'_ ".

Octavia's face hardened. "A warrior doesn't worry about what she can't control," she said, and Jasper remembered her saying that to him, just minutes before he went to kill Cage. He opened his mouth to shout back at her, but she continued, "But I'm not telling you to buck up," she said. "You should grieve. That's proper. But you don't take it out on people who just want to help. Even if they make mistakes."

She reached out and put a hand on his arm. "Please, Jasper. We all just want to help. But you're not the only one who needs it. Bell needs help too. And the person he needs it from most is you."

"I--" God, he didn't _want_ to help Bellamy. But Octavia wanted him to. And, from his one-sided conversations, Maya did too. "I never meant--"

Octavia squeezed gently. "The things we say to each other, those wound as deep as a sword. You might not have meant to," though her tone was unconvinced of that, "but you did."

Jasper drew a deep breath. "I'll try," he managed. He placed his hand over the wound on his side. "I'll try."

 

***

 

Bellamy woke up with Monty's face pressed against his neck, one of Monty's arms thrown across his chest, and the worst headache he'd had since waking up upside down in the Mount Weather harvesting chamber. He squinted up at the tent. He was pretty sure Monty was drooling on him. But all things considered, he actually felt better than he had the night before.

"Hey," he mumbled. "Wake up. I gotta piss."

"Mmmmphf," Monty mumbled. "Comf'tble." His hand squeezed him closer. Bellamy wasn't sure what to do until Monty opened his eyes. He blinked wearily at Bellamy, then his eyes widened as he woke up. "Oh, God, sorry," he muttered, pulling away from Bellamy.

Bell chuckled. "Don't apologize. Slept better'n I have in weeks." He pushed himself up slowly, waiting for the throbbing in his head to recede. The headache was unfair; he hadn't drunk enough to earn it. "Monty, thanks."

Monty's hand slid to Bellamy's waist. It was the last part of Monty not to pull away. "Thanks?" He said groggily, then realized his hand was at Bellamy's hip and pulled it away too. "For what?"

"Just...making sure I knew I wasn't alone," Bellamy said. He smiled faintly at Monty and got to his feet. "I promise, I'll be back as soon as I take a leak. You don't need to sic Octavia on me."

Monty let out a sigh that was halfway frustrated. "I only did that 'cause I was… I was afraid you'd die one me." He paused, then said with some sleepy mirth, "You can pee without dying, right?"

Bell snorted. "Last I checked, the privies were danger-free." He started to leave, then said, "And Monty--for the record, I think I'm glad you did that."

He made it to the privies and did his business without encountering anything more dangerous than a bucket. When he got back to the tent, Monty was half-asleep on the side of the bed closest to the tent wall. He held out a hand, and Bellamy slipped in beside him.

"You're glad I told Octavia?" Monty asked, leaning his head against Bell's shoulder. "I figured it was better than telling Kane or Abby."

"I think I'm glad," Bellamy mumbled. "She's going to be watching me like a hawk now, but that's...I think it's good. Definitely better than Abby." He was grateful to have trained doctors in camp, but he couldn't stand Clarke's mom.

Monty nodded, letting his eyes drift shut. A moment later, he shifted closer to Bellamy, and Bellamy couldn't help but smile to himself. Who knew Monty was so… _snuggly_? Bellamy wondered if he did this with Jasper.

Probably.

Bellamy put an arm around him and yawned, letting his own eyes shut. Maybe they could get a little more sleep.

He drifted for a while, never really sleeping, but not feeling totally awake either, until he heard a faint noise that sounded like someone was tapping on his tent flap.

"Monty?" It was Jasper's voice, though it sounded rough. "Bellamy?"

"Yeah," Bellamy said groggily, and Monty roused a bit.

Jasper pushed open the tent flap and peeked in, looking as rough as he sounded. "I, um--" He stopped talking, eyebrows shooting up at the sight of Monty in Bellamy's arms. "Sorry," he stammered, and darted back out of the tent.

"Jasper," Bellamy called after him, pushing himself into a sitting position. He glanced at Monty. "What's wrong with him? Aren't you _straight_?" he muttered, and went after Jasper. "Hey," he said at Jasper's retreating back. "What's up?"

Jasper spun around to face him, looking awkward. "I, uh... " He gestured at the tent. "I came to see…" He seemed to be searching for the words. "Monty."

Bellamy suppressed a grin. Jasper seemed really confused by the whole situation. For that matter, it probably _did_ look a little strange, but then again, Jasper didn't know Monty had probably saved Bell's life last night. In a lot of ways. "I think he's awake now," Bell said. "Go on in." He stretched, yawned, and realized he was still wearing last night's clothes.

He looked back at Jasper's face to see Jasper was staring past him, and he couldn't quite read Jasper's expression. Determination, maybe? But why? Bellamy looked over his shoulder to see Monty had come out of the tent behind him. He looked a little sheepish, but wasn't dropping Jasper's gaze

After a moment, Jasper charged in Monty's direction, and Bellamy tensed, wondering if he'd have a fight to break up between the two childhood friends. But when Jasper got to Monty, he wrapped Monty in a tight embrace.

Monty looked stunned at first, but then hugged his friend back hard, his eyes filling with tears that spilled over when he closed his eyes. They stood like that for several heartbeats, then they broke apart.

Jasper shifted nervously, then reached up to scratch the back of his head. "I was gonna go get breakfast," Bellamy heard him say. "You wanna come?"

Monty stared at Jasper for a couple of seconds, then wiped his face off. "Yeah," he said. "I'm starving."

Bellamy didn't fight the pang of envy that sent through him. Was it just that easy for him? How did Monty see the world so differently from the rest of them? How could he afford such kindness? He shoved his hands in his pockets, feeling awkward suddenly. He was glad Jasper and Monty had patched things up. Maybe something Bell had said last night had gotten Jasper's attention, at least. But Bell couldn't help being a little wistful. He'd liked sharing a tent with Monty, to his surprise. He'd kind of miss him.

Jasper turned and looked at Bellamy, his smile fading. He pressed his lips together, then looked at the ground. "You can… come too," Jasper said, looking back up at Bellamy. There was something unsure in his gaze. "If you want."

Well, that was half-hearted. Bellamy glanced from Jasper to Monty, but got no guidance there. He looked back at Jasper. "Uh. You guys probably have a lot to catch up on…" he began reluctantly. He wanted to go, but he'd probably just put a damper on their making up.

He'd expected Jasper to look relieved, but he didn't. He just kept watching Bell with the same unsure look. Then his gaze wandered for a moment and he looked lost.

Glancing at Monty, Bellamy could see his lips twisting a little as he watched Jasper. His eyes moved from Jasper to Bellamy, then back to Jasper.

Finally, Jasper looked back at Bellamy. "Are you sure?"

Monty raised his brows and cocked his head a little at Bellamy in a way that looked encouraging.

Bellamy gave him a small smile. "Well, if you really don't mind," he said, taking a step towards them. He trusted Monty to know if Jasper meant it or not. He hoped Monty was right. He really wanted Jasper to mean it. "I'm starving."

Jasper nodded, looking unsure again, then headed towards the mess. Monty gave Bellamy an encouraging look, then followed. Bellamy followed after him.

When they got to the mess, they stood in line for their breakfast, then found a table at the far end of the room. It was noisy from all the early morning breakfast eaters, and Bellamy wished it was quieter, given that he still had a small twinge of headache annoying him.

Jasper took one bite of his breakfast, then looked a little nauseous and put his fork down.

"Um… Did you two sleep okay?" he asked, obviously hoping Monty and Bellamy would ignore that he looked a little queasy.

Bellamy glanced at Monty, wondering if that was really the question Jasper was asking. "I slept better than I have in weeks," he said after a moment. "Turns out, Monty's a good teddy bear." Hopefully it was okay to joke about that.

Jasper let out a small laugh, but it didn't sound quite right. "I know," he said, pushing his food around his plate a little. He didn't seem upset. Just awkward.

Monty cleared his throat. "Lincoln and Octavia don't think it's the Grounders who left that big blood spot out in the woods," he said.

Jasper's eyebrows shot up, interested, then pulled back down into a half-glare at Monty. It didn't look heated, though. "How do you know about that?" he demanded.

"I--" Monty said. His mouth worked for a moment, then he said, "You told me about it."

"No, I didn't," Jasper said.

"You were… drunk," Monty replied.

Jasper's frown deepened. "You're lying. You're a terrible liar."

Bellamy glanced over at Monty, then added, "You were seriously drunk last night," to back Monty up. _Drunk enough to get under my skin,_ he thought, but he shoved more food in his mouth instead of saying it.

Jasper looked sheepish suddenly. He pushed his plate to the center of their table. "If either of you want this… chances are I'm going to hurl before the end of the day."

Monty pulled the plate toward him, still chewing his own bite of food.

"But I remember last night," Jasper said. "I didn't tell you." He raised an eyebrow at Monty.

Before Monty could dig himself in deeper, Bellamy said, "Octavia had some choice words for me last night, and Monty probably overheard, since there's _so_ much privacy in this camp." He didn't suppose Monty wanted to Jasper know how much trouble Monty had taken to save Bellamy. Now that Bell thought about it, that might become a point of contention between them. He'd already screwed Jasper's life up enough. He didn't need to keep ruining his relationship with his best friend.

"Oh," Jasper said. He didn't seem convinced. Bellamy couldn't blame him, considering Bellamy and Monty were telling different stories. "Who does she think it is?"

"There were other people who'd had the treatment at Mount Weather," Bell said. "I'd forgotten about it until last night when O told me. But I overheard one of the guards, Emerson, talking to Cage about it, while I was in hiding." He shook his head. "Maybe some of them made it out of Mount Weather."

Jasper bit his lip, thinking. "On level five," he said, "there were people not wearing hazmat suits."

"Oh, yeah," Monty said. "I forgot bout that."

"Me too," Jasper said. Bellamy supposed it made sense. The events of Mount Weather happened in a bit of a blur. 

"So there's someone out there who survived Mount Weather," Bell said. "Someone who's killing people."

" _Why?_ " Jasper asked. "They'd have us _and_ the Grounders after them, and they don't have the protection of Mount Weather anymore."

Monty shrugged, swapping his empty plate for the one Jasper had slid over. "Well, there's nothing stopping them from _staying_ at Mount Weather, if they're immune to the radiation inside." He glanced over at Bellamy, gesturing to his plate. "You wan'some?" he asked, mouth half-full.

Bellamy looked down and saw that his own plate was almost empty. He scooted it over to Monty's and took some of the food. "Thanks. I can think of at least one reason a Mountain Man might come after us." He glanced at Jasper. "Revenge."

And Clarke was out there by herself. What if it had been Clarke who was killed? But no, if a Mountain Man was out for revenge, and had managed to kill Clarke, everyone in Camp Jaha would know it.

 _Stop worrying about Clarke, and worry about the people here_ , Bell told himself. Clarke could take care of herself. Clarke had abandoned them.

"But they'd have to know we outnumber them. By a lot," Jasper said. He was sitting straighter. The dark circles under his eyes weren't gone, but it was clear there was a light on somewhere in Jasper that had been out for a while.

"Because that would stop anyone, right?" Bellamy said sarcastically. "It didn't stop me, and I wasn't out for revenge." He glanced apologetically at Monty. Monty gave him a questioning look, then looked back at Jasper. Bellamy wished he could express to Monty how he was feeling more and more grateful that Monty told Octavia what he'd done last night.

"Mount Weather outnumbered us last time, and _we_ came out on top," Jasper said, then seemed to think about what he just said and the brightness in his expression faded.

Bell took a slow breath. "Not in a way that made anyone happy," he said quietly. "And at way too high a cost." He finished his breakfast and studied Jasper's face. The other boy looked unhappy, yes, but he still looked better than he had since Mount Weather. Even with his hair missing. It made his eyes seem bigger, and they were more alert than they'd been recently.

"You're looking a lot less green around the gills," Bell remarked. "How are you feeling?"

"I feel like I might throw up everything I've ever eaten," Jasper admitted, but he half-smiled anyway.

Monty grinned. "No more hooch."

"No promises," Jasper said, and Bellamy was slightly disappointed until Jasper looked up and gave Monty a better smile. "Not for a while, probably. It's not--" Jasper drew in a long breath, then huffed it out. "It's not working." He darted a glance at Bellamy, then looked away.

Bellamy twisted his lips to the side. "Didn't work for me, either," he admitted in a low voice. He looked at Monty.

Monty grinned at him, too. "No more hooch for you either. Or whisky."

Bell laughed faintly. "That was the only bottle of whisky I found. But yeah. Okay. No more hooch for me, either. For a while, at least."

 

***

 

Jasper spent the rest of the day with Raven, and then Octavia and Lincoln. He'd realized he was much more likely to get drunk if he was alone, so he made an effort not to be. Plus, he remembered what Octavia said about Lincoln having given up all his friends when he aligned with the camp, and Jasper thought it must be hard for him. 

Lincoln wasn't the most talkative guy, and he seemed fairly serious all the time--Jasper didn't expect them to be goofing off together any time soon--but he was nice enough, and Octavia seemed to appreciate Jasper trying.

She'd nudged him to the side before he left and asked if he'd gone to see Bellamy. When he told her he had this morning and was going to see him again tonight, Octavia had given him a brilliant smile and hugged him. "You can do this, Jasper," she murmured in his ear.

All he could manage was a faint laugh in reply.

He couldn't tell Octavia what he'd been thinking about all day. At least not until he'd run it by Bellamy.

Jasper made his way to Bellamy's tent, his gaze wandering through the camp and out across the treeline. When he tapped on Bellamy's flap, he waited for Bellamy to answer before ducking inside. He was relieved that Monty wasn't around.

"Hey," he said.

"Hey," Bellamy said, his tone friendly. He was obviously in the middle of cleaning his gun, which made Jasper wonder if Bellamy was thinking along the same lines as him. "Uh, Monty's not here. He said something about playing cards with Miller and Harper."

Jasper drew a steadying breath--his hands had been shaking all day, probably a combination of alcohol withdrawals, hunger, and anticipation--then let it out. "I didn't come to see Monty."

The hesitant smile that been lurking on Bellamy's lips turned into a genuine one. "Okay. Pull up a blanket then. I have tea. Which...isn't as comforting as hooch, maybe, but we did promise Monty."

"Yeah," Jasper said. He still hurt. He still wanted to drink. He still wanted to hate Bellamy. But between Bellamy's honesty the night before, and Octavia's pleas-- _angry, scary_ pleas, but pleas none the less--Jasper felt like he should give Bellamy a chance. Besides, his anger was replaced by a new sense of purpose.

He sat next to Bellamy, a couple feet away on Bellamy's blanket. "Yeah, tea is fine."

Bellamy set his gun aside and poured a cup. "So...things are good with you and Monty?" he asked, holding out the cup.

Jasper took it, his fingers brushing with Bellamy's. Bellamy's fingers lingered slightly, then pulled away. When Jasper looked down at the cup, his hand felt tingly and he noticed it was shaking. He hoped Bellamy wouldn't notice.

"It--" Jasper bit his lip, then said, "It's going to take time, but… it's better." 

Bellamy nodded. "It may not be my place," he said, his tone hesitant, "but you did good with him this morning. He needs you, Jasper."

"I need him," Jasper replied. He took a sip of tea. It was weak, but nothing tasted as good down here as it had on the Ark, where they'd had more resources. 

Jasper wondered how much longer he should make small talk until he brought up his idea to Bellamy. "Thanks," he said, gesturing to the tea.

Bellamy smiled at him. "Sure." He sipped his own tea and then looked down at the cloth he'd been using to clean his gun. "You mind if I--" he asked, gesturing at the gun.

Jasper shook his head, so Bellamy picked it up and started cleaning it again. Jasper found himself watching Bellamy's hands, trying to think of some other innocuous thing to say.

"I, uh…" Bell cleared his throat. "I went outside last night. After you and I… O found me out there and ripped me a new one." He cleared his throat again. "That's why Monty made me promise too."

"Oh," Jasper said, his eyebrows raising. He bit his lip before he said anything, remembering his conversation with Octavia. _He went out because of me_.

Jasper sighed. "That makes sense," he murmured, then took a sip of his tea. "Why--" he faltered, then forced himself to finish. "Why'd you go out?"

Bellamy sighed, his hands going still on the gun. "I had another nightmare," he said, his voice low. "It was--worse. And I woke up and thought about...well, I didn't think at all. I just swallowed the rest of the hooch I stole from you and headed out." He glanced sidelong at Jasper, then returned his gaze to his work. "I guess I need a better way to work through the...everything."

"The everything?" Jasper repeated, finding that a small smile had curled his lips. He lifted his cup to his lips, willing his hand to stop shaking, then took a long sip. "So much for the great speech maker the camp loves."

Bellamy huffed a laugh and shook his head. "Speeches are easy compared to emotions." He glanced over at Jasper. "Besides, I'm a little out of practice."

Jasper raised an eyebrow at him. "With speeches or emotions?"

That made Bellamy laugh aloud. "I meant speeches. Are you implying I'm emotionally challenged?"

Jasper's smile strengthened a little, in spite of himself. "Aren't we all a little bit?" His expression went wistful.

"At least a little bit," Bellamy said. He shook his head, a smile lingering on his face.

"If not challenged, damaged," Jasper said, watching Bellamy's face. Bellamy was very handsome when he smiled, and Jasper had always thought so. 

He looked away and drained his cup of tea, then rested it on his knee. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Bellamy resume cleaning his gun. "I think I need your help," Jasper said finally, giving Bellamy a sideways glance to gauge his reaction.

Bellamy's hands stilled for a moment, then went back to work as he glanced over at Jasper. "Sure. What can I do?"

"I want to find them," Jasper said. "The Mountain Men who lived. Who are doing-- who knows what in the woods. I want to find them." _And kill them for what they made you do to Maya_ , he thought.

This time Bellamy's hands went still and stayed still. His knuckles slowly turned white as he looked down at the gun parts. "And you want me to go with you," he said quietly.

"Would you even let me go alone?" Jasper asked. He lifted a hand and rubbed at his throat. His bruises were starting to look a little better, but his throat and face still hurt, along with his side.

"I'd do my best to stop you, but it's nice that you've accepted that reality," Bellamy said. He looked over at Jasper. "I'm guessing our plan is to kill them once we find them?"

Jasper swallowed hard, then nodded. "At least someone who _deserves_ it can die this time," he said, then reached over to pour himself more tea.

The thought of killing the Mountain Men who had caused so much pain was both satisfying and terrifying. Jasper wondered what it made him that he wanted this so much. Did it make him as bad as them? He wasn't sure he cared. Someone had to pay for what happened, and Jasper couldn't put that on Bellamy and Monty anymore. And Lincoln had already killed Cage.

Bellamy nodded. "I've been thinking about the Mountain Men," he said. His voice had no expression, nothing to give Jasper any clue what Bellamy thought of the plan. "Carl Emerson was Cage's right-hand man. He was trying to get to us in the control room. But after the alarms sounded, he took off. I'm betting that he, at least, made it out."

"Emerson," Jasper repeated. He drew his thumb along the rough edge of the cup in his hands, then wrapped both his hands around the cup, letting the warmth spread through his fingers. "Are you…" He trailed off, ducking his head a little to try to catch Bellamy's gaze. "Will you help me?"

Bellamy looked over at him, his brown eyes serious. "Do you think you should be going after anyone while you're still healing from the fight with the Grounders?" He glanced down at Jasper's hands. "While you're still getting used to handling the pain without alcohol?" His voice was gentle, but implacable. "What I did last night was stupid. And what you've been doing--the way you've been doing it…" He trailed off. Before Jasper could speak, though, Bellamy held up a hand.

"The thing is, Jasper, if we do this, I don't want it to be a repeat of you trying to get yourself killed, by Mountain Men this time instead of Grounders. If we do this, you have to be in better condition, and I want us both to come back from it." He paused. "Together."

It was true, Jasper thought, that there was a part of him that thought if he didn't come back from trying to kill the Mountain Men, it would be okay. Going out to hunt them meant putting himself in danger again. And he was okay with that. But he told himself that at least this time there was a higher purpose than _just_ getting himself killed.

"We should probably wait until the dizzy spells stop," Jasper conceded. They were lessening, but he still had them on occasion. He hoped Bellamy wouldn't push him to promise he wouldn't get himself killed.

"Probably," Bellamy said, chuckling. He shifted to face Jasper more directly. "And we should probably wait until you have at least a shred of self-preservation going on." He rested his fingers on Jasper's wrist. "I mean it when I say that I don't want you trying to get yourself killed. I know there are no guarantees, but I'm not going out into the woods if the guy watching my back is suicidal."

"I'm not suicidal," Jasper said. He wasn't sure he meant it. When he was alone, all he wanted to do was drink and kill himself. Which was why he'd tried so damn hard today to not be alone. And he was going to keep trying, but he knew being alone would eventually be unavoidable.

Jasper sighed and looked at Bellamy's hand on his wrist, wondering what he should do about it. A few days ago, he would have yanked his hand away. Today, it felt oddly okay, though.

Bellamy squeezed his wrist gently and pulled away. "Okay, what if I change that to reckless?" He started reassembling his gun.

"I'm fine," Jasper said, and this time he knew it was a lie. He was getting better, but he wasn't fine. He wanted to kill someone--really _wanted_ to kill someone--and that wasn't the way someone who was _fine_ thought.

Bellamy snorted. "Not yet," he said. "But maybe I'm not fine yet, either." He grinned briefly at Jasper.

Jasper gave him a half-hearted smile in return, then he looked away and let it fade. He was thankful, at least, that Bellamy wasn't calling him a hypocrite for wanting to kill someone. "I don't think anyone is. Not anymore. And we never will be again. So let's just wait for the dizzy spells to stop and go from there."

 

***

 

Over the next week, Bellamy found himself watching Jasper. At first, he rationalized it: he was watching for signs that Jasper was self-destructive, or suicidal, or not healing properly from their fight with the Grounders. Then he pretended he was watching Jasper in an attempt to gauge the other boy's recovery, or figure out if Jasper would ever forgive him, or if he was going to start drinking again.

Finally, Bellamy admitted to himself that he just liked watching Jasper. He liked the angles of Jasper's face and his expressive mouth. He had even gotten used to the new haircut.

He didn't think anyone had noticed.

Jasper and Monty had been talking for a few minutes across the camp, and Bellamy was just considering joining them when they ducked into Jasper and Monty's tent. Monty didn't really have an official tent anymore, actually, since he was now alternating between sharing a tent with Jasper on some nights and Bellamy on others. Occasionally, when Monty had been snuggled up next to him, Bellamy wondered what Jasper and Monty looked like doing the same thing. And what Jasper felt like doing this.

He usually shoved those thoughts away as quickly as they came. He shouldn't be thinking them.

Bellamy held a sigh when Jasper and Monty disappeared, wondering what to do with himself now, when someone gently punched his shoulder. "Hey there." Bellamy turned around to see Raven standing beside him.

"Raven. What's up?" He felt a sudden prickle of guilt. He'd spent so much time brooding over what he'd done at Mount Weather and worrying about Jasper that he had forgotten to make sure she was recovering all right.

"Not much," she said, squinting in the direction of the sun. "I don't have any _official_ projects right now, since Abby and Kane think we're safe for now." From the tone of her voice, it was clear she was as unsure of that as Bellamy was. "So I've just been tinkering and annoying Wick."

She looked back at him. "We haven't talked in a while, though. How are you doing?"

Bellamy arched an eyebrow at her. "No official projects, but I take it there are some unofficial ones in the works, since Monty's been doing some stuff for you." He knew he was dodging her question, but he also knew Raven well enough that he expected she would circle back around to it.

Raven arched a brow right back at him, then tilted her head, her ponytail swaying a little behind her head. "I don't think we're as safe as they do," she said, apparently letting his avoidance slide for now. "I'm trying to figure out a means of communication that they won't know about."

"Glad to know I'm not the only one," he said. "Good thinking. I don't know why they won't just trust that we're the experts on life here on the Ground. We can't relax." He glanced across the camp towards Jasper's tent, then looked back at her. "How are you doing otherwise?" he asked, because he _did_ care, even if he knew it would remind her that she'd asked first.

Raven shrugged. "Fine," she said, her tone slightly dismissive. Of course she wouldn't want to talk about what happened to her at Mount Weather. She was too proud. Bellamy could relate.

She looked over at Jasper's tent too, then back at Bellamy. "You never answered that question yourself."

"Fine," he said, shrugging. He knew she wouldn't let it go that easily, but if she was going to brush the question off, he could, too. "You know. Keeping busy walking patrols no one else seems to think we need."

"I'd offer to help, but…" She trailed off. She didn't run as well as she used to before she'd been shot. And Bellamy thought she was more useful as a mechanic anyway, but he could tell it still bothered her. 

She shrugged, looking back in the direction of Jasper's tent. "How's he doing?" she asked, inclining her head that direction.

Bellamy snorted. "You think he'd tell me? He hasn't forgiven me for what I did, so we're not exactly at a confiding-in-each-other phase." He scratched his head, glancing at the tent again. "But I think he's trying really hard. I think he'll be okay." He hoped that wasn't just wishful thinking.

"He looks better," Raven said. "I'm glad he and Monty seem to be on the mend." She seemed like she wanted to say something else, but she bit her lip. Bellamy watched her for a moment, then she shifted on her feet.

"He hasn't talked to you?" she said after a moment, sounding suspicious. "You sure about that? I saw him come out of your tent a few days ago, and you've had your eye on him all week."

Crap. Someone _had_ noticed. But he could play this cool. "He's talked to me," Bellamy agreed. "He's _shouted_ at me, for that matter. So yeah, I'm keeping an eye on him. I'm worried. But like I said, he blames me for what happened--" He broke off. He might as well be at least a little bit honest with her. "I pulled the lever that killed Maya. And he has every right to hold that against me."

"I heard," Raven said. Bellamy wished he could read how she felt about it, but her tone and expression were neutral. She had a good poker face. Bellamy was at least relieved she didn't seem to actively dislike him for it. She had sought him out today, too, so there was something. 

"People talk," she continued. "And with all the shouting matches recently…" She sighed, and reached up to put a hand on his elbow, squeezing gently.

Bell sighed. "Yeah, well. Like I said. He's not wrong." He pressed his lips together and looked away. That was why it was so stupid for Bell to even let himself look. He had no right. Even if Jasper had made the switch to blaming the Mountain Men for Maya's death, Bell knew it would always be something between them.

"You did what you had to do," Raven said, letting her hand fall away from him. "No one has to like it, not even you, but everyone has to accept it." She brushed back some loose strands of hair from her face that were blowing in the wind. "Jasper will eventually."

He sighed. "I'd settle for his stopping with the self-destructive behavior," he said. "And getting things patched up with Monty will help with that." He looked back at Jasper's tent. Part of him wanted to ask Monty how Jasper was. The other part--the part that had been winning all day--wanted Jasper to come talk to him first.

Bell forced a smile and looked back at Raven. "Having you and Wick to hang out with has to help too, so thanks for that."

Raven shrugged. "Jasper's a good guy," she said. "And it sucks losing someone you love."

Bellamy thought of Finn, and he couldn't help the frown that formed on his face. Raven's expression wasn't sad, though. She looked strong and determined.

"I forgave Clarke," she said, and Bellamy knew she must be thinking of Finn too. "I never told her that, but I did. I moved on. Jasper will too. He'll forgive you." She paused, then added, "I hope he has the opportunity to tell you when he does. You seem to need it from him."

There were differences, Bellamy thought. For one thing, Finn had done what the Grounders accused him of. His death was horrible, but there was an element of justice to it. Maya...Maya had been helping them. Had helped Bellamy from the first moment she saw him.

He exhaled. "Yeah."

Raven waited for more, and when it didn't come, she sighed. "It's okay to want him," she said finally.

Bellamy glared at her, prepared to deny it. If her expression hadn't been so accepting, he might have done it. But he didn't quite have it in him to pretend not to understand. Or worse, to pretend he didn't want Jasper. He pressed his lips together, trying to keep his expression from giving too much away.

Then again, he seemed to have given too much away already.

After a moment he sighed and looked away from her. "Maybe if I were anyone but the guy who killed Jasper's girlfriend."

"He's starting to blame you less and the Mountain Men more," Raven said. Bellamy could see from the corner of his eyes that she was watching him. "He talks about it sometimes. The look in his eyes when he talks about them…"

Bellamy huffed a laugh and let his head drop. Staring blankly at the ground, he said, "Somehow I doubt it'll ever change enough. But thanks anyway, Raven." He managed a tiny smile when he glanced up at her again.

Raven gave him a crooked smile back. "Yeah," she said, then nodded and looked away. "It is changing," she added. "You're not the only one looking." Bellamy opened his mouth to ask what she meant, but she shook her head and looked back toward her makeshift shop. "I gotta get back."

She turned and walked away, leaving Bellamy with more questions than he'd started with.

 

***

 

_Maya's dark hair was floating around her head. She was wearing a dress that was so white that it was almost blinding, and Jasper squinted at her. She was smiling warmly at him._

_Jasper smiled broadly and moved a few feet to her. He closed his eyes and tried to embrace her, but there was nothing. Reopening his eyes, she was a few feet from him again, and her expression had gone sad._

_"You can't touch me," she said._

_"Why not?" Jasper demanded, a frown forming on his face._

_"I'm not real, Jasper," she informed him. "I'll never be flesh and bone again."_

_Jasper felt the sting of tears in his eyes. "It's not fair."_

_"Nothing ever is," she said calmly._

_"I--" Jasper wiped his eyes furiously. He wasn't going to cry now. "I miss you."_

_"I know," Maya said. She pressed a hand to her chest, over her heart. "But it's time to let me go."_

_Jasper shook his head emphatically. "Never."_

_"Then you might as well die too," she said._

_Jasper blinked at her, surprised. "Would I be with you again?"_

_"I don't know," Maya replied, her voice cracking with emotion. "So it's better if you live. Keep living. Find someone else to love."_

_"Find someone else?" Jasper gasped. "How could I ever--?"_

_"Easy." Maya lowered her hand from her chest. "Let me go. Cherish what we had, but let me go."_

_To Jasper's horror, burns started to blossom on her cheeks, and the bright white of her dress started to fade._

_"None of us are innocent," she said. "But you know who is _really_ guilty." Her hair stopped floating and went limp against her head. "And it's not your friends." Her voice was changing now, getting harsher, and blood started trickling down her face from her hairline. "It's Emerson and his men."_

_"No, Maya," Jasper gasped, wanting her to stop burning and bleeding. He wanted to hang on to the real Maya, the one whose beauty left him breathless. "No!"_

_"Kill them!" she demanded._

_"No! Don't go!" he said._

"No!" Jasper shouted, and jerked upright in bed, the vision of Maya fading and burning and bleeding lingering in his head. " _No_ ," he blurted, his heart racing and breath coming hard and fast.

He felt Monty shift against his hip and roll over. "Y'okay?" he muttered.

"I'm fine," Jasper lied. He pushed himself to his feet, ignoring that he was shaking. He had to get out of here.

"Hang on." Monty was sounding a little more awake. He inhaled loudly, which turned into a yawn, and started to sit up. "Where you going?"

Jasper held a sigh and turned to face Monty, pressing a hand to his face as if he could push out the image of Maya from the dream.

In the last week, his bruises had faded significantly, leaving only a slightly mottled look to Jasper's face where they once were. It didn't hurt much anymore either, so Jasper pressed hard against his eye. "I need some air," he managed, wishing he didn't sound out of breath.

Monty sat up all the way. " _Just_ air?" he asked, a hint of suspicion creeping into his voice. "I can go with you."

Jasper dropped his hand and watched stars swim in his vision. "I'm sorry I woke you. You should go back to bed. Just air, I promise." He wasn't going to drink. He might find Bellamy, though.

Monty reached out and touched his leg, accidentally finding a bruise on Jasper's shin. "'Kay. 'member, I'm here f'r you." He was already lapsing back into sleep. Jasper was surprised at how good it felt that Monty took him at his word.

"I know," Jasper said, watching as Monty rested back down in the blankets.

He pushed out of the tent, leaving his friend behind, feeling relieved that Monty hadn't pushed to come with him. The night air was crisp, and Jasper gazed up at the stars for a moment, drawing deep breaths to try and regain his composure, to try to force the image of Maya out of his mind.

 _"Kill them!_ she repeated in his head.

That hadn't been her. Maya hadn't had a vengeful bone in her body. _That_ version of Maya had all been in Jasper's head. But he didn't care.

He made his way to Bellamy's tent, pushing open the flap just enough to peek inside without waking Bellamy if he was asleep.

Bellamy _was_ asleep, but he didn't look like he was enjoying it. When Jasper pushed the tent flap open, Bellamy tossed his head, making a strangled groan. His face was twisted into an expression of pain.

Jasper paused, unsure what to do. Bellamy shifted again. "Th'r kids," he mumbled, "Nnn--" He broke off with a strangled cry. "Jas--" he exclaimed, and then jerked.

Jasper drew in a sharp breath when Bellamy's eyes flew open. Should he pretend he hadn't seen that? He hadn't pushed the flap open enough that he couldn't just slip away.

But Jasper's chest squeezed. Had Bellamy just tried to say his name?

Jasper opted to clear his throat. Bellamy tensed and looked toward the tent flap, and Jasper pushed it open a little further. "I'm, uh… I didn't mean to wake you," he said softly.

Bellamy was still for a moment, then grunted and dropped back into his blankets. "Jasper," he rasped. He cleared his throat. "C'mon in. Gimme a sec." He wiped his hands down his face. "Shit. I was dreaming. Sorry."

Jasper held a shaky breath. "I heard," he admitted. "I didn't mean to. I just meant to peek in to see if you were even here or not. I can go, if you want." He hovered near the tent entrance.

Bellamy grunted a noise that sounded like a negative. After a moment he exhaled loudly and sat up. "No, come in." He shook his head like he was trying to clear it and finally looked up at Jasper again. "Please come in."

Jasper hesitated, but then went into the tent and stood there, not too far from where Bellamy was sitting, and not to close either. He suddenly wasn't sure why he came. "I thought you'd be out," he said, shoving his hands in his pockets for lack of anything better to do with them.

Bellamy buried his face in his hands, then looked up at him. He looked sleepy and disheveled and utterly exhausted. "I didn't think it was fair to go out without you," he said. "Sit down." He nodded at the end of his blankets. "You okay?"

Jasper nodded, then sat where Bellamy had indicated, at the edge of the blanket. "I had a dream. Well, it started as a dream, then got…strange. Bad… It..." He trailed off. "I figured you'd kept going out without me while I was recovering."

Bellamy still looked sleepy, but his gaze was fixed on Jasper's face. "I dream too." He rubbed a hand through his hair. "Sorry. S'like I've got cobwebs in my head. We had an agreement. Go after the Mountain Men together." Bellamy looked up at Jasper, and for the first time that night, his lips curled in a tiny smile. "I'll keep my end of the deal."

Jasper kept to himself that he didn't realize their deal to kill the Mountain Men together meant that Bellamy wasn't able to go out on his own. Jasper liked that Bellamy had thought that was the case. It meant Bellamy wasn't putting himself in danger alone.

Jasper resisted the urge to smooth a patch of hair that was sticking straight up on Bellamy's head after he had run his fingers through it, and thought back to what dream Maya had said. _You know who is_ really _guilty. And it's not your friends._

That first part still didn't seem like something Maya would say. She wouldn't want him _really_ blaming anyone. But the second part… she _definitely_ wouldn't want him blaming his friends.

"Good," Jasper said, then lifted a hand to run through his own hair before he remembered it was gone. He was getting used to it, but he still forgot sometimes.

He dropped his hand. "You, ah… wanna talk about it? Your dream, I mean." Why had Bellamy almost called Jasper's name?

Bellamy's gaze went far away for a moment. "Not sure if you want to hear it," he said, but his tone of voice made Jasper think he wanted to talk about it. "It's...Mount Weather."

He sighed. "I was hiding there for...well, it felt like weeks, even though it wasn't. And…" Bellamy flickered a glance at him and then away. "She helped me. I can't…" He inhaled shakily. "I can't forget that."

Jasper pressed his lips together. Bellamy was dreaming about Maya too. Jasper looked away from Bellamy, but didn't tell Bellamy to stop. He was glad Bellamy dreamed of Maya too. It meant Bellamy was sorry. Or at least Jasper hoped that was what it meant. He wouldn't know for sure until Bellamy finished his story.

Bellamy swore and looked around. "Where's my canteen?" He found it after a moment and took a long drink. Then he held it out to Jasper. "Need a drink?"

He sighed. "She helped me, and I failed her. And I see those kids...their faces…" He shook his head. "God, Jasper, I'm so fucked up."

Jasper took the canteen and sniffed at it, relieved when he didn't smell anything. Just water.

Or was he relieved? Their conversation was heading into uncomfortable territory…

_No. I promised Monty. Just air._

Jasper took a long drink, wondering what to say. What _could_ he say that didn't hurt? By all rights, he could ask Bellamy how he dared to talk about Maya.

But… no. Bellamy was hurting. Maybe he wasn't as directly hurt by Maya's death, but he regretted it. And Maya wouldn't want Jasper to hate him, or hurt him more. And if Jasper was honest, he didn't have it in him any more. He was fighting the urge to _comfort_ Bellamy.

"I know," Jasper said finally. He swallowed hard against the lump in his throat. "She… she would have forgiven you."

Bellamy met his eyes briefly. "Maybe," he mumbled, "but I can't forgive myself." He rubbed his hands over his face again; it was almost like he was hiding from Jasper's gaze. "I tried to talk Clarke out of it," he whispered. "But I didn't try very hard."

Jasper licked his lips, then took another drink before handing it back to Bellamy. He remembered what Octavia had said to him the night she'd woken him up in his tent. The night after Bellamy had gone out into the woods drunk after fighting with Jasper.

_Bell'd halfway fallen for Clarke. He was sure as hell under her spell of leadership._

"Clarke is… was…" Jasper trailed off, not knowing what to say. If Bellamy still loved Clarke, what _could_ he say?

Well, he could say a lot of things, but it could jeopardize Bellamy's agreement to go find the Mountain Men with him.

"Forceful?" Bellamy suggested. "Hard to say no to?" He gave Jasper a rueful look. "Thing is, she asked if I had a better idea. And I didn't. What kind of leader am I, if I couldn't come up with any alternatives?"

"I don't know," Jasper answered honestly. He drew his knees against his chest and hugged them. "I'm sure you've thought about it a lot since then, though. Have you come up with any you missed?"

"That's the worst damn part," Bellamy said. "I haven't. I still don't know what would have been better. Not killing anyone. But they were already killing our people. Raven could have died. They'd already tried to kill Monty. I just--" He buried his face in his hands and made a noise that was just barely not a sob. "--how could we have gotten out of there without killing people? Children? _Maya?_ "

"I could have killed Cage," Jasper offered quietly, but his gaze was soft on Bellamy. He knew, from his talks with Maya, that Bellamy couldn't have known how quickly that would have happened, and didn't feel like they could risk it. "But you couldn't trust that," he finished.

"I wish I _had,_ trusted it," Bellamy said. "I wish--" He shook his head. "But I might not have talked Clarke into it. Cage was torturing her mother. It must have been awful to watch. If that had been Octavia…"

Jasper nodded… then emotion flooded him as something hit him. He said it out loud. "If Maya had been one of us…" he trailed off.

Bellamy looked over at him. "What?" he prompted. "If she'd been one of us…?"

Jasper's face twisted and he dropped it against his knees. "If she'd been… if they were going to kill her, and I knew the radiation wouldn't…" He forced himself not to tear up, but his voice choked on his last words. "I would've… I probably would've pulled the switch too."

Understanding washed over Bellamy's face. "Oh, God, Jasper," he murmured, and reached out a hand to him. He didn't actually touch Jasper, though. He dropped his hand to the blanket between them. "I'm sorry," he said finally.

"Why?" Jasper said immediately. He looked down at Bellamy's hand, knowing grief was flooding his expression. "You…" Jasper swallowed, the words he was about to speak feeling heavy and thick. "You didn't do anything I wouldn't have done. Now that I think about it. Given the right circumstances."

He let out a heavy breath, swallowing a sob. "Maybe next time we'll be in reversed positions."

Bellamy gripped his hand. "That doesn't mean I can't be sorry," he whispered. "You were so happy, and I...I'm sorry, Jasper."

Jasper found himself turning his hand so he could curl his fingers with Bellamy's. "I know you are," he admitted. "I know." He drew a shaky breath. "But I would have crushed your happiness in a heartbeat to have mine, if our positions had been reversed." 

_God_ , why was this hitting him now?

He felt himself collapse against Bellamy's shoulder. "I forgive you," he whispered.

Bellamy let out a shaky breath and wrapped his arms around Jasper. From the ragged breathing, he seemed to understand how Jasper felt. "Jasper," he finally whispered. His arms were strong around Jasper, holding him securely enough that Jasper almost felt safe.

 _God_ , it felt _good_. 

Jasper wrapped his arms around Bellamy too, holding him tightly. He didn't know what to say now, so he just squeezed Bellamy close.

But after a while, he felt a little awkward. "I should go back to bed," he murmured. "Sorry for waking you up." He started to pull away.

Bellamy laughed faintly. "No. Thank you," he said. He paused just long enough for it to feel awkward, then said, "I...don't suppose you'd want to stay here? Just tonight?"

Jasper stilled, then considered it. He drew in a deep breath. "I already told Monty to go back to sleep," he said.

Bellamy hummed thoughtfully. "Good. Stay here." He tilted his head, meeting Jasper's gaze. "We might both sleep better."

Jasper watched him for a moment, wondering what it meant if he stayed here… But Monty was probably asleep, and Jasper and Bellamy had just shared something Jasper couldn't explain.

"Where?" Jasper asked, looking around the tent.

"Take Monty's spot." Bellamy scooted over. "I'll share." He gave Jasper a smile that was sleepy again, but it was inviting.

If Jasper had more nightmares tonight, Bellamy would understand. Jasper knew that now. And if Bellamy had another nightmare… for the first time, Jasper thought he might understand too.

 

***

 

Bellamy woke up and stared at the tent canvas over his head. He hadn't dreamed that conversation last night, had he? Jasper had actually come here, woken him up, and said he forgave him?

He turned his head slightly. That definitely wasn't a girl's head pressed against his shoulder, and there wasn't enough hair for it to be Monty.

Bell turned his head a little more, breathing in the scent of Jasper's hair. This might be his only chance, after all, and no way was he going to waste it. After a moment, he closed his eyes. He wondered if he could drift back to sleep.

"Mmmm," Jasper hummed. He shifted closer, then turned and wrapped his arms around Bellamy. "You can't," he mumbled quietly, then pressed his face to Bellamy's neck.

Bell smiled, eyes still closed. "Can't what?" Jasper must not be awake yet.

"Die," Jasper said, and from the light, floaty sound of his voice, he was _definitely_ not awake.

"Mm. 'll try not to," Bell mumbled. He snuggled a little closer and yawned. How long could this last? Part of him didn't want Jasper to wake up yet.

Jasper mumbled something that Bellamy couldn't quite understand, but stayed still for a while. Bellamy knew he shouldn't be enjoying the way Jasper's lean body felt against his, or the tickle of Jasper's breath against his neck, but he did. _Damn it_ , he did.

Eventually Jasper drew a long breath and huffed it out, shifting away a little, but not completely out of Bellamy's hold. "I'm…" he said sleepily. "I'm sorry." Bellamy turned his head to see Jasper looking at him, eyes a little wide.

He was probably looking at Jasper with way too much affection. He had no idea what Jasper could read in his expression, but he couldn't make himself pull away. "For what?" he asked, his voice quiet.

Jasper's expression went a little odd, but not necessarily in a bad way. "I didn't mean to…" Jasper trailed off. "I guess I thought I was with Monty for a minute." He pulled away from Bellamy then and rolled onto his back, half in the dirt. 

Bell huffed a laugh. "I didn't mind," he said. _I liked it more than I should,_ he thought. "Sleep okay?"

"Better than usual," Jasper admitted, rubbing his eyes with the heel of his hand. He glanced over at Bellamy. "I didn't mind it either," he said, something oddly timid in those words.

Bell smiled at him, a little hesitantly. "I slept pretty well, too. And...I'm glad you didn't mind." He thought of Raven saying it was okay for him to want Jasper. He still wasn't sure he believed it, but at least Jasper didn't seem to hate him anymore.

"Sun's out," Jasper murmured. There were a couple of thin spots in the tent where sun could shine through. Jasper didn't move to get up, though, sun up or not. Bellamy wondered how long he could lay here with Jasper… or if Jasper might move back into his arms now that he was fully awake.

"Mm-hmm." Bell yawned and stretched. He tore his gaze away from Jasper's face. If he didn't quit staring, Jasper _would_ figure it out, and Bellamy wasn't quite ready for that. Might never, actually, be ready for that.

Jasper rolled a little closer again, letting his eyes flutter shut. "The dizzy spells have stopped," he murmured, and Bellamy knew what that meant. Jasper was ready to start hunting Mountain Men.

"What about your side?" It didn't seem to have been bothering him, but Bellamy didn't want to start their hunt too early and threaten the stitches healing.

"Better," Jasper said. "Still hurts a little if I forget about it and twist the wrong way, but it's healing fine." He opened his eyes and met Bellamy's gaze. "I think I can go out."

Bellamy held in a sigh. He'd known this moment would come, but he hadn't looked forward to it. "Okay." He pressed his lips together for a moment, then said, "Let's take a walk in the woods today, then. During the day. Check stuff out, try to look normal, that kind of thing."

Jasper smiled at that, looking at little relieved that Bellamy wasn't going to make him stay in the camp convalescing any more. "Sounds good to me," he said, then closed his eyes again. "Later, though." His forehead pressed against Bellamy's shoulder.

Bell grinned and closed his eyes. "Sure. Later."

He was starting to drift back into sleep when he heard footsteps outside approaching the tent. "Bellamy, are you awake?" called Monty. "I can't find Jasper."

Bellamy wasn't sure if Jasper was still awake. He cracked his eyes open to find out, but before he could answer, Monty had ducked into the tent.

"Oh, hey, sorry--" Monty said, then stopped and stared.

"Just air," Jasper mumbled. "I promised." He didn't move, which made Bellamy wonder how awake he was.

"Huh?" Bellamy shifted a little and jerked his head for Monty to come on inside. "Jasper woke me up last night," he said to Monty. "Nightmare. He stayed and talked."

"And then stayed and slept," Monty said, his tone a little cautious. He ducked under the flap, then walked to the middle of the tent before settling on the ground.

"Yeah." Bell yawned and then shifted his shoulder gently out from under Jasper's head so he could sit up. It seemed weird to just lie there while talking to Monty. He glanced down at Jasper, then said, "I think it was good."

Jasper shifted a little, then stretched and blinked his eyes open, looking blearily at the top of the tent.

"What?" Monty asked.

"That we talked." Bellamy thought about what he'd just said, gauged it against Monty's confusion, and felt himself blush. "We talked, and then we _slept_ ," he said, trying to emphasize the last word enough that Monty would understand, without making Jasper think he didn't want to do more than sleep.

God, Bellamy was so stupid.

"Oh," Monty said, nodding and picking the hem of his shirt. A crooked smile crossed his face, and Bellamy followed his gaze as Monty watched Jasper struggle to wake up. "I'm glad. That he came here. I was starting to worry he went out again."

"M'wake," Jasper muttered, then pushed himself up onto his forearms. "You don't have to talk about me like I'm not here."

Bell snorted. "I'm glad he came here, too," he said, grinning at Monty. Then he looked down at Jasper, his grin softening. "And I think Monty was just trying not to wake you up." Bellamy was a little sorry he had woken. It had been nice, having a sleepy Jasper in his bed.

Jasper made an unhappy noise, rubbing the top of his head. "I shouldn't sleep this late anyway," he complained. "It was just… nice. For a change."

Monty chuckled. "Now you see why I turned to another when you scorned me?" he teased.

Jasper laughed, then grabbed a clump of dirt and threw it at Monty.

"Hey, my floor!" Bellamy complained, but he was grinning. "Just because Monty left you for me, you don't have to destroy my home."

Jasper laughed a little more at that, and Bellamy couldn't deny the little tug of _something_ in his chest. Seeing Jasper like this… it was almost like the old Jasper was back. The Jasper before Mount Weather.

Jasper put a hand over his side as he laughed, over the spot where the Grounder had cut him open, and Bellamy wondered if it was bothering him more than he let on.

"That's what you get with Jasper lately. Destruction." Monty was still smiling, but he was watching Jasper as if he was gauging his reaction.

Jasper's laughter died down, and the smile on his lips turned rueful. 

Bellamy didn't disagree with Monty, but he didn't like seeing Jasper's smile change. "Destruction and cuddling," he replied, nudging Jasper's shoulder. "It's a very strange combination."

Jasper pressed his lips together, and for a moment, Bellamy worried he'd misspoken, but then Jasper smiled again.

"You have to admit, I'm good at both," he said, his voice not sounding quite right, though he didn't seem angry or upset.

"Not arguing," Bellamy said, and glanced over at Monty. "I don't suppose you brought breakfast or coffee?"

Monty shook his head, then his eyebrows shot up and he shifted, fishing something out of his back pocket. "It's not much," he said, handing a packet that looked a bit smushed over to Bellamy. It was some kind of granola. "I was too worried looking for Jasper to get proper food," he said, shrugging.

Jasper snatched it out of Bellamy's hands, opening it and dumping some in his hand before handing it back.

Bell grinned. "I was just joking, but thanks." He glanced at Jasper and decided he didn't seem too upset about Monty being worried about him. "We could all go get breakfast now," he suggested.

Jasper was chewing on the handful of granola he'd dropped into his mouth, but nodded. "Yeah," he managed, through a full mouth.

"Sounds good to me," Monty said, eying Jasper.

Bell looked at Jasper, then back at Monty, laughing. "And we'd better go before Jasper starves."

 

***

 

Jasper spent most of the day feeling anxious. He was ready to leave camp and go find the Mountain Men. His side was bothering him more than he let on, but he wasn't going to let that stop him.

Still, he parted with Monty and Bellamy after breakfast, and busied himself with other people, trying not to get too worked up about anything to the point of finding his stash of hooch.

He was in his tent, sharpening his makeshift knife when Bellamy found him. He wondered if Bellamy would let him have the Grounder blade. If he was going to have to wear another scar from it, he might as well keep the weapon.

"Are you ready?" he asked Bellamy, not bothering to even say hello.

"Question is, are _you_ ready?" Bellamy crouched in front of Jasper, holding his gaze. Despite the teasing tone of his question, his eyes were serious. "Really, Jasper, are you sure you're ready?"

Jasper nodded. He wasn't going to let a few aches and pains stop him. "Yeah," he said, holding Bellamy's gaze, and for a moment, letting himself appreciate Bellamy's eyes. He really should stop. He'd _appreciated_ Bellamy's appearance a little too much when he'd woken up in Bellamy's arms.

It had been nice, though. Too nice. Comforting.

Bellamy pressed his lips together, but he placed a hand on Jasper's shoulder for a moment and nodded. "Okay, then. Let's get out there. I'm not looking for any fights today. Just information. You good with that?"

"Yeah," Jasper said, pushing himself up to stand. He didn't say that they got what they got out there, and if they had to fight, they would. He didn't think that was the reply Bellamy wanted. "Do you still have that grounder sword?"

Bellamy hesitated, then took the sword from his belt. He'd been wearing it, which seemed weird since he already had a knife and was so in love with his gun. But maybe he'd decided to take a page out of Octavia's book.

"Do you know how to use one?" Bellamy asked. "We could probably talk Lincoln into giving us some lessons, as long as we're casual about it."

Jasper's lips twisted, remembering how easily Dante Wallace had disarmed him when Jasper had the sword at Mount Weather, but he didn't say that. Jasper just took the sword and tucked it carefully in his own belt. "That might not be a bad idea," he said, though truthfully he wasn't sure it would be so hard. You just swing with it and try to get the sharp parts to land where you wanted.

"Octavia's been giving me grief about us not being all buddy-buddy," Bellamy confessed. "I mean, I trusted the man to get me into Mount Weather and take care of my sister while I was in there. What more does she want?" He snorted. "But anyway, I figure I could tell her the lessons are just an excuse to hang out with him. And I can tell _him_ the truth. Well," he said, "part of the truth. That I want to know how to handle anything the Ground throws at us. That I don't ever want to feel helpless while I watch y--someone fight a Grounder again."

He shrugged and looked away. "Anyway. Can't hurt."

Jasper nodded, then walked past Bellamy and pushed open the flap of his tent to exit. He held it for Bellamy to follow him, then squinted around the camp, looking for the weak spot in the guard that surrounded the perimeter that he'd seen earlier today. "Octavia wants me to make friends with Lincoln too," he said. "He seems like a good guy, but he's _so_ serious."

Bellamy chuckled. "We could see if he laughs at any of our old Earth jokes. Come on. This way." He struck off at a casual pace towards the perimeter. It didn't take long for Jasper to realize Bellamy was heading for the weak spot he'd seen. "This is how I got out last time," Bell said, "and I was careful not to tell Octavia that."

"She probably already knows about it," Jasper said, then followed Bellamy when he ducked outside the fence. He readjusted his weapons when he straightened again, then glanced around them. "Head in the direction of Mount Weather?"

"We could. Or we could check out the spot where the Grounders attacked us." Bellamy scanned their surroundings. "I'm not as good a tracker as Lincoln, but we could see if there's anything there." He glanced over at Jasper. "I wasn't kidding about not looking for a fight today. I know there are no guarantees, and if we get a fight, we fight. But today is about making sure you're fit." There was concern in his brown eyes.

For a moment, Jasper couldn't look away. He stared into Bellamy's warm gaze for too long, and then Bellamy broke the shared gaze and Jasper snapped himself out of it.

"I'm fit," Jasper replied, and started walking.

"I believe that you think you are," Bellamy said, keeping up with him. He kept glancing at Jasper in between scanning their surroundings.

Jasper sighed, but decided not to argue. It wouldn't do him any good anyway. After a moment, he paused, and looked at Bellamy. "I, ah… I have no idea where we were when the Grounders attacked us," he said, feeling a little sheepish. Between the alcohol and the beating, Jasper had very little memory of that night.

Bellamy flashed him a warm look. "You had a few other things on your mind that night," he said. "Don't worry. I remember it all too well."

Though he'd spoken lightly, the further they got into the trees, the darker his expression got. Jasper didn't think Bellamy looked angry, but he wasn't sure what was going through his head. He definitely got more vigilant the further they got from camp, but that made sense. It was the strain in his expression that was odd.

They walked for a while, Jasper following Bellamy, his eyes darting from Bellamy's solid frame to the woods around them. Eventually Bellamy stopped, his gaze on the ground, and Jasper followed it to a dark smudge on the ground.

It was where he'd slipped in blood, he remembered vaguely. 

Jasper looked around them for the Grounders Bellamy had had to kill. "Where are their bodies?" he murmured. Of course, it was entirely possible the Grounders had reclaimed them, but Jasper thought the camp would have heard about it if they had found two of their people dead.

"I think Lincoln...took care of them," Bellamy said, his voice rough. "He didn't want it sparking another feud." He crouched, studying the small clearing. "That's where the first one tried to kill you." He pointed, his eyes darkening.

Jasper looked at the spot on the ground where Bellamy was pointing, rubbing his neck absently. "Almost succeeded," he muttered.

Bellamy exhaled slowly. "My gun jammed," he whispered. "I didn't…" He wiped a hand over his mouth. "I almost wasn't in time."

Jasper let out a breathy laugh, which made Bellamy frown. "Wouldn't have mattered to me," he breathed. "At the time."

That made Bellamy choke out a laugh. "You were fighting pretty hard for someone who wanted to die," he said. 

Jasper shrugged, feeling a smile tug his lips. "Instinct?" he said.

"Not convinced." Bellamy cleared his throat and stood up. "For the record, Jasper, I'm glad you fought." His gaze was serious. "I'm glad you lived."

Jasper's half-smile turned into a smirk. "I figure you wouldn't have gone to the trouble of saving me if you didn't mind the idea of me dying," he said, trying to ignore the way Bellamy was looking at him made his chest ache.

Bellamy snorted and wandered across the clearing, gaze on the ground. "You see anything out of the ordinary here?"

Jasper glanced around, his hand going absently to the hilt of the sword on his hip. He shrugged. "No. Not here. Should we keep going?"

"Sure." Bellamy shook his head. "What is this guy up to?" he muttered. "Okay, let's go over what we know." He came back to Jasper and looked around, obviously orienting himself. "While we walk towards Mount Weather, I guess."

"We know Emerson is still alive, probably. Maybe others. We know he, or they, probably aren't very pleased with us. You, Monty and…" Jasper hesitated, then forced himself to say her name. "And Clarke, especially."

Bellamy nodded. "That makes sense. He got the treatment, and he was Cage's go-to guy. I wouldn't be surprised if he was out for revenge." He glanced over at Jasper. "Monty might not be as big a target. Clarke knew Emerson, so I'm willing to bet he knew her, too. And he'd definitely recognize me as the fake guard running around inside Mount Weather. But he didn't know for sure who was in the control room with Clarke."

He shook his head. "We can hope, anyway."

"Yeah," Jasper agreed. He swallowed hard, and looked ahead as he walked.

Bellamy hadn't seemed bothered when he'd mentioned Clarke's name. Maybe he was getting over her, Jasper thought, and tried not to hope too much that it was true.

"I can deal with being a target." Bellamy's voice was low. "Hell, I deserve it. Clarke, too, if she were around, but I'm sure she's long gone by now." He watched the ground as he walked, maybe scanning for clues, maybe just trying not to lose his footing. "But Monty doesn't. None of the rest of them do. So if he threatens innocent people, I'll take him out happily."

_I'll take him out. I get to do it _, Jasper thought, but he didn't say that. He couldn't predict how confronting him would go, though, so Jasper just hoped the situation would put _him_ in that position when it came time. "He _did_ threaten innocent people," Jasper muttered. "He's already guilty."__

__"Good point," Bellamy said. He glanced around, then held up a hand. "Hang on," he murmured. "Do you see that?"_ _

__He pointed, and Jasper followed it to a scrap of fabric hooked on an outcropping of stone ahead of them. It looked like a good place for an ambush to Jasper. The narrow space in between the outcroppings would be a good place for someone to lie in wait. For all they knew, Emerson could be waiting for them to be bunched up in there, limiting their escape route._ _

__Jasper licked his lips, his senses going on full alert. "Yeah," he said, lowering his voice and slowly drawing the knife from his belt, knowing the larger sword would be more awkward to maneuver in the tight space._ _

__He started to move forward, toward where the fabric was hanging, trying to listen hard for any sounds. He could make out writing on the fabric, but couldn't read it yet._ _

__Bellamy fell in close behind him, walking sideways so he could watch Jasper's back but still keep an eye on things behind him. It felt natural to be working with Bellamy like this. Jasper wasn't sure what that meant._ _

__"Can you see what it is?" Bellamy whispered._ _

__Jasper shook his head, then remembered Bellamy might not have been looking at him. "Not yet," he murmured, inching closer. When he got close enough, he reached out and closed his fingers on the fabric._ _

__He turned the letters to face him, and felt a wash of cold when he read what it said. "Emerson," he whispered. "It's his name tag."_ _

__"Shit." Bellamy must not have noticed Jasper stopping, because he took one more step, and his back pressed against Jasper's. "So he _was_ here."_ _

__Jasper didn't shift away from Bellamy. It felt comforting. Safe. "Should we go through?" he whispered._ _

__Bellamy was silent for a moment. "This would be a good place for an ambush," he said. "But we have to get through. What do you want to do?"_ _

__Jasper steeled himself, straightening up a little. "Let's go," he said, and started to work his way up onto the rock before pushing himself through them, his eyes darting around for any spot someone could fit behind and hide._ _

__Bellamy kept close to him, and Jasper found it wasn't hard to trust him to watch his back. Bellamy stayed close enough that they were always touching, just barely. There was no noise except the usual bird calls and wind in the leaves as they made their way through the small pass._ _

__When Jasper finally got to the opening at the other side, he raised his knife and jumped out, spinning quickly in both directions, ready for an attack. But there was nothing._ _

__Jasper actually found himself disappointed, his chest aching uncomfortably. He looked back at Bellamy, who seemed to realize from Jasper's face that nothing was there. Still, Jasper said, "clear," and kicked absently at a rock._ _

__Bellamy arched an eyebrow at him as if he knew exactly what Jasper was feeling, but he didn't comment on it. Instead he crouched, looking at the ground around the entrance to the pass. "Look. There're footprints here."_ _

__Jasper walked over to where Bellamy was and eyed the impressions in the ground. They looked fresh. The breeze hadn't covered them up with debris yet. "Must've just missed him." Jasper looked around a bit more, noting only one set of prints. "Looks like he was alone."_ _

__"Maybe he's working solo. Maybe he's the only one who got out." Bellamy stood and stretched, glancing about casually. "And maybe he's still around," he murmured, "watching us."_ _

__Jasper tensed, his gaze darting around them, his grip tighter on his knife. "Should we follow the prints?" he murmured._ _

__"Relax," Bellamy muttered. "If he's watching, we don't want him to know we know." He stepped closer to Jasper, his body language casual, though he was looking over Jasper's shoulder. "Do you want to follow them?" he asked, keeping his voice down._ _

__"Yes," Jasper said automatically, his voice hushed. He _needed_ to kill Emerson._ _

__Bellamy huffed, his lips curling up slightly, and met Jasper's eyes for just a moment. There was warmth and understanding in his gaze, but just a little exasperation in his voice when he said, "Jasper, this isn't a race. Let's make sure we're ready to take him on before we tip our hand." He flicked a glance upwards. "Besides, we're losing the light."_ _

__Jasper looked up at the sky, feeling a rush of something that was like a mix of disappointment and relief. It _was_ getting darker. "We might never find prints this fresh again," he muttered._ _

__"It's possible," Bellamy said. "But we already know he's hanging out in this area. He was here the night we ran into the Grounders, and he's been here today." He turned in a slow circle, eyes scanning the trees. "But I don't think he's here right now, and I'm willing to bet he'll be back here in a day or two."_ _

__Jasper nodded, trying to push away his disappointment. It made sense that they wouldn't find Emerson on their first day. That would have been too lucky. But it still hurt. Jasper wanted to end the pain in his chest that arose whenever he thought of Maya._ _

__"Yeah," he muttered, and started making his way back to the narrow opening in the stones._ _

__"Hey, don't get discouraged," Bellamy said, following him. "We found some good clues today. We're a step closer."_ _

__"A step closer now, but if we leave, we'll be farther away," Jasper said, his voice flat. He _knew_ they needed to go back. Bellamy was right. Jasper hoisted himself back into the crevasse between the stones.anyway. "It's fine," he said, sliding into the rock._ _

__He heard Bellamy sigh behind him, but at least he stopped talking. It took a lot less time to get back to the spot where they'd been attacked, now that they weren't tracking. Bellamy caught up to Jasper at some point, falling in next to him._ _

__***_ _

__Bellamy had hoped he would sleep soundly the night after he and Jasper ventured back into the woods. After all, he'd saved Jasper the first time, and this time, neither of them had been hurt. They'd gone out, proven to themselves they could do it, and come back unharmed. So he was supposed to feel better, and as a result, sleep better._ _

__Unfortunately, his subconscious hadn't gotten the message._ _

__He jerked awake, slicked with sweat and panting. He pressed his fingers against his eyelids, wishing he could wipe away the image of Maya's burned face--or Jasper's blood-covered one. With a deep sigh, he sat up._ _

__Only then did he realize it was nearly dawn. He'd made it most of the night. Maybe things _were_ getting better._ _

__Instead of trying to sleep again, he washed and found Lincoln, issuing a casual invitation to breakfast. To his surprise, Lincoln agreed._ _

__They were halfway through their breakfast when he saw Monty and Jasper straggling into the mess hall. Grinning, Bellamy waved them over._ _

__To his surprise, Monty smiled, but Jasper's smile was even brighter. It tugged at Bellamy's heart._ _

__The other two made their way over, and settled at the table, Monty next to Bellamy and Jasper next to Lincoln._ _

__"It's too early," Monty mumbled, and Jasper hid a smile. He'd obviously had a better night's sleep._ _

__"Hey, Lincoln," he managed, shoving food into his mouth. "Where's Octavia?"_ _

__Lincoln glanced up from his plate. "She's still asleep."_ _

__He didn't say any more than that, but Bellamy had to take a deep breath and look away for a second. He liked Lincoln. Lincoln was a good guy. He made Octavia happy._ _

__Bellamy shoved some food into his mouth so he wouldn't say anything stupid. When he swallowed, he said, "Come on, Jasper, Lincoln's his own person."_ _

__From the tiny curl of Lincoln's lips, Bellamy thought he'd managed to keep his tone teasing and good-natured. Good, he was doing good._ _

__Jasper's grin faltered, then he looked at Bellamy. "I didn't mean that," he said, then turned to Lincoln. "How are _you_?"_ _

__Bellamy extended a foot and nudged Jasper's ankle, ignoring whatever Lincoln said. He hadn't meant to be mean to Jasper, even if he was still coming to terms with the idea of his baby sister having a boyfriend. A partner. Whatever you called Lincoln and Octavia._ _

__He shoved more food in his mouth, then realized Lincoln had said something to him. Bellamy gave him a blank look._ _

__Lincoln snorted. "And I can tell Bellamy didn't get enough sleep either," he said to Monty and Jasper._ _

__"Sorry," Bell muttered._ _

__Lincoln shook his head. "How's your recovery going?" he asked Jasper._ _

__"I'm fine," Jasper said. He turned and levelled a gaze at Lincoln, something slightly mischievous flitting across his face. "Knock, knock," he said, darting a look at Bell then back at Lincoln._ _

__Bell blinked in surprise, then suppressed a grin. He glanced over at Lincoln, who was staring at Jasper with a sort of stoic confusion on his face. He obviously didn't know that was the beginning of an old Earth joke, but somehow, Bell didn't imagine him asking what it meant._ _

__"Who's there?" Bell asked. Maybe if he and Jasper demonstrated one, Lincoln would get it without them having to try to explain what was, admittedly, kind of stupid humor._ _

__Jasper snorted, then looked at Bellamy, looking too amused. "Banana," he said._ _

__Bellamy let his grin escape. "Banana who?" He glanced at Lincoln, who was looking at him as if he were speaking a foreign language._ _

__"Knock, knock," Jasper repeated._ _

__"Who's there?"_ _

__"Banana."_ _

__"Banana who?"_ _

__"Knock, knock."_ _

__"Who's there?" Bellamy realized Monty was also looking at them as if they'd gone crazy. Oh well. It felt good to be stupid with Jasper. Really good._ _

__"Banana," Jasper said, looking stupidly happy, even if he was darting weird glances at Lincoln._ _

__Bellamy started snickering. He'd never expected to see Monty and Lincoln wearing matching expressions, but they were pretty damn close. "Banana who?" Really, this probably wasn't the best knock knock joke to start a guy on._ _

__Jasper's eyes were glinting with humor, though, and it was _so_ enticing. "Knock, knock," he repeated._ _

__Bellamy laughed. "Who's there?" He held Jasper's gaze and admitted to himself that this joke was going to be entirely lost on Lincoln. But he didn't care. It was worth it to see that happiness in Jasper's eyes._ _

__"Orange," Jasper said, the gleam in his eyes unmistakeable. It was the expression of someone so pleased with the situation they were in, it didn't matter no one else but Bellamy was playing along._ _

__Bellamy fed him the line. He probably would have gone along even if Jasper had thrown in a few extra bananas. There was no way he was going to be the one to end this. "Orange who?"_ _

__"Orange you glad I didn't say banana?" Jasper asked, then tried, unsuccessfully, to hide his laughter in his elbow._ _

__Bellamy laughed, watching Jasper. It was stupid and fantastic, even though Monty and Lincoln had both written them off as idiots._ _

__Jasper laughed too, then shoved an elbow at Monty. "C'mon, Monty. You know that one."_ _

__Monty let out a breath of a laugh, then eyed Jasper. "It's the dumbest one we know."_ _

__"Which makes it the funniest," Jasper countered. He nudged Monty again then Monty made a doubtful look._ _

__"That was…" Lincoln still looked confused. "A joke?"_ _

__"Old Earth joke," Bellamy said, still chuckling. "I guess knock-knock jokes didn't survive down here, huh?" Lincoln raised a single eyebrow, which Bell took as confirmation. "So tell us a Grounder joke," he suggested._ _

__Lincoln blinked. "Three men walk into a bar. The fourth one ducks."_ _

__Bellamy stared at him for a second, then burst out laughing._ _

__It took a few beats before Jasper and Monty started laughing too._ _

__"You should tell more jokes," Jasper panted, trying to catch his breath. There must have been something about Lincoln's deadpan delivery to get Jasper._ _

__Lincoln's lips curved in a tiny, satisfied smile. "Not much call for jokes lately." He finished his breakfast and stood up. "Need to go work out."_ _

__Bellamy stood too. "Mind if we join you?" he asked, his voice casual. "Jasper and I took a sword from the Grounders the other day, but I don't know what to do with it, except maybe swing it and hope the pointy end goes somewhere that'll hurt."_ _

__Lincoln snorted. "Not a very effective technique," he said. "You might as well join in. I could give Monty a sword to use."_ _

__Bellamy glanced at Jasper, then they both turned to look at Monty, who held up both hands in refusal. "Don't look at me. These are the hands of a scientist. They weren't made for holding weapons."_ _

__Bell grinned. Monty didn't sound like he suspected anything more than curiosity on his part. He and Jasper grabbed their swords and followed Lincoln to where he usually worked out. He only showed them a couple of moves and made them practice the moves against each other over and over until they were both sweaty and Bellamy's sword arm ached. Octavia joined them part way through, and she watched, her eyebrows raised and her arms folded, for a long while before sparring with Lincoln._ _

__Finally Lincoln said they'd done enough for the day. "Come back tomorrow, I'll show you the next step," he promised._ _

__Octavia followed Bellamy as he headed to get a drink of water. "So now you're hanging out with Lincoln?" she asked._ _

__Bell glanced at her. "You were pretty heavy-handed in hinting I should," he said. "I figured if I asked him for sword lessons, he wouldn't realize you put me up to it."_ _

__"He's not stupid," Octavia said._ _

__"I never said he was," Bell replied. "Look, O, I know he and I had a rocky start. But any guy you fell for was going to have a rocky start with me. So now I'm trying harder, okay? I just...looked for some common ground where he and I could meet."_ _

__"And you brought Jasper along with you."_ _

__He shrugged. "Jasper needs something to focus on."_ _

__"And you like him." Her tone was a little too smug for Bell's comfort. Thank God Jasper had stayed to teach Lincoln more knock-knock jokes._ _

__"Sure, I like him. He saved your life."_ _

__"Not what I meant, big brother."_ _

__Bell shrugged again. "Doesn't matter." He was done with this conversation. Why were the women in his life so good at seeing through him?_ _

__She sighed. "Okay, fine. See you later."_ _

__

__***_ _

__

__For the next week, Jasper and Bellamy had breakfast with Monty and Lincoln, and sometimes Octavia, and then they learned how to use swords. During the day, they sneaked out of the camp to look for Emerson. They didn't find any more prints or clues for several days, but on the sixth day, just as Jasper was tempted to start griping at Bellamy for making him turn back that first day, they found something._ _

__Jasper froze, eying the tree in front of him while his hand slid back and grasped the hilt of his sword. He was feeling much more confident with it after Lincoln's lessons than he had when he'd pulled a sword on Dante Wallace at Mount Weather._ _

__"Look," he said, moving closer and reaching out to touch the spot on the tree where bark had been cut and broken off, as if someone had swung a blade at it. He dropped his eyes to the ground to see if there were any more signs of a struggle._ _

__Bellamy stood next to him, his shoulder brushing Jasper's. "Well spotted," he said, and joined Jasper in scanning the ground. "Here," he said after a moment. "Blood." He moved over to the spot. "There's another. I think we've got a blood trail. You think it's Grounders, or our guy?"_ _

__"Who knows," Jasper said, lowering his voice as he drew his sword. He glanced at Bellamy, watching his strong, broad shoulders as Bellamy started following the trail. Jasper stepped in behind him a moment later._ _

__It was just a few drops at first, but then there started to be more and more of it. "Someone's hurt," he murmured. "Or dead," he added as Bellamy froze. Looking around him, Jasper saw a body lying on the ground._ _

__Bellamy reached back without looking at Jasper. His hand brushed Jasper's chest in a "stay there" motion, and then Bellamy crept forward. It was definitely a Grounder, Jasper saw, and then he realized Bellamy had wanted him to watch his back. He jerked his gaze away._ _

__"C'mere," Bellamy murmured after a moment. "Dead Grounder."_ _

__Jasper started toward him. In the distance, there was a rustling of leaves, then someone grunted. Jasper darted ahead of Bellamy a few feet, toward the noise, then pressed himself to a tree and peeked around it to see if he could get a look at what was happening without being seen._ _

__A man slumped against a tree, his back to Jasper. He was wearing the tan uniform of Mount Weather. Jasper's heart jolted into overdrive. _Emerson_._ _

__He didn't hear Bellamy coming, but after a moment, a hand closed lightly on his shoulder. Bellamy came up next to him. Jasper could feel Bellamy's eyes on him and knew Bellamy was waiting for Jasper to take the lead._ _

__Suddenly, Jasper didn't know what to do. Should he just attack Emerson? After a moment, he decided they needed information. Was Emerson working alone? And what was he trying to do by killing Grounders?_ _

__Jasper glanced at Bellamy, who gave him a nod, and then stepped out from where they were hidden, lifting his sword. "Emerson," he said, willing his voice to be calm, though his heart was racing._ _

__The man jerked and spun, his movement slower than Jasper had expected. The Grounder must have wounded Emerson in their fight. Good._ _

__"You," Emerson rasped. And then his eyes widened. He must have seen Bellamy behind Jasper. "Damn you," he growled, and lunged at them._ _

__Bellamy circled around to the right as Jasper raised his blade to block Emerson's swing. It was weird that Emerson wasn't using a gun. Maybe he'd lost it in the fight with the Grounder. Bellamy had brought his gun, but he wouldn't use it yet, Jasper knew. They didn't want to make too much noise._ _

__Jasper dodged to the side when Emerson swung again and then staggered. He was _definitely_ hurt. Jasper darted forward and used Emerson's own momentum to shove him hard against a tree, pressing his blade to Emerson's neck. "Damn _us_?" Jasper panted, forgetting for the moment that he wanted answers. "You're the reason my girlfriend is dead!"_ _

__"Your girlfriend was a traitor to her people," Emerson snarled. "She deserved what she got." He brought his knee up into Jasper's groin._ _

__Jasper doubled over, gasping in pain. Before Emerson could take advantage of it, Bellamy was there, his sword blocking Emerson's knife with the clash of steel._ _

__"His girlfriend was the only decent person in your whole fucking mountain," Bellamy said. "She might have betrayed you, but you'd already betrayed the entire human race with what you were doing. You people were cannibals."_ _

__Jasper managed to catch his breath and straighten again, watching Bellamy and Emerson struggle. The side of Emerson's shirt was soaked in blood. Bellamy shoved at Emerson, and he stumbled back, but then swung again and caught Bellamy's shoulder._ _

__Bellamy cried out, and Jasper lunged in, planting a fist into Emerson's face, because Bellamy was too close for him to use his sword. Emerson hit the ground, and Jasper climbed onto him, fighting for the hand that held his knife, while jamming the hilt of his sword into the wound on Emerson's side. It ripped a scream from Emerson._ _

__"What are you doing out here?" Jasper demanded. "Why are you killing Grounders?"_ _

__Emerson panted, his eyes blazing with hatred. "Go to hell." He twisted his hips, bucking to throw Jasper off. Jasper went with it, because he didn't think his crotch could take another hit. Rolling away from Emerson, Jasper got his head up in time to see the Mountain Man pull himself to his feet._ _

__Emerson was clearly weakening. He held onto a tree trunk and just had time to brace himself before Bellamy hit him. Bellamy used the pommel strike Lincoln had taught them that morning, but Emerson managed to block it, just barely. Bellamy pressed in, grappling with him, then Emerson head-butted him. Bellamy let out a cry of pain, stumbling back, blood streaming from a cut over his eye._ _

__A jolt of renewed anger hit Jasper at the sight of Bellamy bleeding. Jasper tackled Emerson again, his arms going around Emerson's waist as they toppled, then rolled, then struggled for dominance. Jasper got in another good punch to Emerson's face, his fist still gripping the hilt of his blade, and Emerson went a little slack. It was like he was fighting a loss of consciousness._ _

__Jasper took the opportunity to drive his blade into Emerson's wrist. It pierced all the way through and pinned Emerson's hand to the ground, forcing him to release his own weapon as he cried out in pain._ _

__"Talk, or I'll fucking kill you!" Jasper demanded._ _

__Emerson deserved to die, Jasper reminded himself._ _

__"The Grounders just got in my way," Emerson gritted out. "I was coming for him--" He nodded his head at Bellamy. "--and Clarke. And you. All of you. You fucked everything up." His face was very white, his lips almost colorless. He'd lost a lot of blood, Jasper realized._ _

__Uneven footsteps approached and Bellamy's hand closed on Jasper's shoulder. Bellamy held his sword to Emerson's throat, helping ensure he wouldn't get away._ _

__"Don't." Bellamy's voice was rough. "Don't torture him. Just kill him. Trust me."_ _

__"Are there more of you?" Jasper panted, his eyes wild on Emerson's face._ _

__Emerson bared his teeth. "Of course not. Your bitch killed them all. We'd barely begun treatment." He was shaking, his breathing irregular._ _

__Bellamy's hand tightened slightly on Jasper's shoulder._ _

__Jasper yanked the blade out of Emerson's wrist, then turned it and drove it through the side of Emerson's neck with enough force that it shoved through almost to the hilt, and Jasper felt hot blood gushing over his hand._ _

__Emerson made a gurgling sound, and spasmed, but the blood rushed out of him, and it didn't take long for Emerson to go completely still, his eyes staring at Jasper, but not seeing him anymore._ _

__And then suddenly Jasper couldn't catch his breath. And he couldn't look away from Emerson's blank face, even as the blood flowing over his hand started to slow._ _

__At some point, he realized both of Bellamy's hands were holding his shoulders. He could just barely hear Bellamy saying his name, over the strange rushing of blood in his ears._ _

__"Jasper," Bellamy said again, his hands squeezing his shoulders. "Jasper."_ _

__Finally, he drew in a long shaky breath and lifted his gaze, staring blankly into the woods. He felt stunned. And his stomach was sinking rapidly, because he'd thought this would make things right. Make things feel better. But he just felt _numb_._ _

__"I'm fine," he mumbled, then pulled the blade out of Emerson, letting it rip through the front of Emerson's throat, rather than withdrawing it the way it had gone in._ _

__Bellamy drew in a ragged breath behind him, but he squeezed once more and let go. "You sure?" he asked. His voice sounded muffled, like he was rubbing his hands over his face._ _

__"Yeah," Jasper lied._ _

__He spared another look at Emerson, his eyes running over the man's destroyed neck, then forced himself to his feet, not feeling anything._ _

__He drew another stabilizing breath, then turned to look at Bellamy. And emotion flooded him again._ _

__Bellamy's face and arm were streaked with blood, and he looked shaken. Jasper closed the distance between them and pressed his hands to Bellamy's cheeks, ghosting his fingers toward the gash on his forehead, but stopping short of actually touching the wound._ _

__"God, Bell," he whispered, heart aching. "We need to get you back. You're hurt."_ _

__Bellamy made a strangled noise. Jasper couldn't decide if it was a choked off laugh or a choked off sob. Or maybe both. After a moment, Bellamy's lips wavered into a hint of a smile. "Shoulder doesn't hurt as bad as my face."_ _

__His face might hurt more, but Jasper wasn't sure which was bleeding more. Bellamy had gone pale under his tan complexion._ _

__"Jasper," Bellamy said softly. "Are _you_ hurt?"_ _

___My balls are aching_ , Jasper thought, but he didn't really think that counted as much. "No," he said, and lifted a hand to brush Bellamy's hair off his forehead to get a better look at Bellamy's wound._ _

__The cut was deep. Maybe deep enough for stitches, and Jasper wondered what they would tell Jackson when they got back to camp._ _

__He pressed gently at the edge of the wound, trying to see how deep it was, but Bellamy winced and jerked away before he could tell. Jasper didn't let his hands leave Bellamy's face, though._ _

__"Sorry," he murmured, then let his hands drop to Bellamy's shoulders._ _

__Bellamy leaned into Jasper's grip, his eyes closing for a moment. "Is it as bad as it feels? Is my eyebrow gone?" He sounded like he was trying to joke, but it wasn't very convincing._ _

__"It's split," Jasper said. He let his elbows go soft, letting Bellamy fall against him, then shifted them to get his arm under Bellamy. "It might need stitches," he said, pressing the hand that wasn't under Bellamy's to Bellamy's chest. "Can you make it home?" he asked. He didn't think he could carry Bellamy. "Do you need to rest before we go?"_ _

__Bellamy sighed and wrapped an arm around Jasper's shoulders. "Just for a second." He opened his eyes and Jasper realized how close they were standing. "Jasper, are you really okay?" he murmured._ _

__"Yeah," Jasper whispered automatically. He guided Bellamy against a tree, then slid them both down to a seated position. He looked at Bell again. God, what had he done? Killing Emerson hadn't fixed anything, and now _Bellamy_ was hurt because of him._ _

__"I'm fine," he said, but found he couldn't stop touching Bellamy. His fingers ghosted over Bellamy's chest, then over his face, avoiding any wounds. He wished he could heal Bellamy with his touch, but knew he couldn't._ _

__Bellamy smiled faintly at him. "I should probably put pressure on this, huh?" he mumbled, but he just kept looking at Jasper. "'m glad you're okay. We got him, Jas." He leaned his head back against the tree trunk. "What're we going to tell Jackson?"_ _

___We got him, Jas_ echoed in Jasper's mind for a moment. They had got Emerson, but it didn't feel good. And Bellamy had just called him "Jas", and it made Jasper feel strange. Not in a bad way, but still strange._ _

__"Um," Jasper mumbled, letting his hands finally rest on Bell's waist. "We could… say we encountered… some animal…"_ _

__Bellamy snorted. "That carried a knife?" he asked, shifting his injured shoulder. "We could just tell the truth." He blinked slowly and then smiled at Jasper. "We knew Emerson got out of Mount Weather, and we did what had to be done. You and me."_ _

__"You and me," Jasper murmured, then shook himself. He ripped the lower half of his shirt off, then shifted Bellamy so he could wrap it around Bellamy's arm, ignoring the grimace on Bellamy's face. Then he bunched the fabric around the edges of his sleeve, fisting it in his palm, and pressed the fabric to Bellamy's head wound._ _

__Bellamy grunted. "Thanks. We shouldn't linger here." He turned his head, and Jasper followed his gaze to Emerson's body. "Jas, we...probably ought to search him."_ _

__Jasper's heart fluttered a little when Bell called him "Jas" again. Then he looked at Emerson and the funny blank feeling returned. He crawled over and fisted his hands through Emerson's pockets, finding nothing of use. "Nada," Jasper said, looking back at Bell._ _

__"Okay." Bell got to his knees, hanging on to the tree trunk. "We should get back." He started to stand, and Jasper jumped up to help him. Bellamy let Jasper drape Bell's good arm over his shoulders. "If I lean on you and we go slow at first, I think I can make it," Bell added._ _

__"Okay," Jasper said, then wedged himself into a supportive position and started to head toward camp. "Tell me if we need to stop," he murmured, heaving Bellamy's body against him._ _

__Bellamy chuckled. "Don't worry."_ _

__Jasper worried at first that Bellamy would push himself too hard, that Bellamy would collapse and Jasper would have to choose between leaving him behind to go for help, or staying with him until he could go on. But he'd underestimated Bellamy's strength. Bellamy _did_ push himself, walking further than Jasper had expected before the first stop. But he also wasn't coy about needing breaks._ _

__It took them the better part of two hours to cover a distance they'd walked in less than half an hour on the way out, but finally they were in view of the camp. Bellamy staggered to a halt, swaying against Jasper._ _

__"Can't sneak in," he mumbled. He'd definitely been growing weaker during the last two walks. Jasper looked worriedly at the bandage on Bell's arm; it was soaked with blood. "C'n I wait here?" Bell's voice was faint._ _

__Jasper looked back, trying to decide if it was safe to leave Bellamy here, and decided that they were far enough out of the woods, and if he left Bellamy and ran the rest of the way back to camp, he could get Bellamy help faster._ _

__"Okay," he said, and guided Bellamy to a spot with good tree coverage. He pressed his hand to Bellamy's cheek. "Don't move. I'll be right back."_ _

__He didn't wait for Bellamy to respond before he turned and started to run towards camp. Guards raised their weapons at him when he got in sight, so Jasper slowed and put up his hands. "Bellamy's hurt," he shouted, and they realized who it was._ _

__It wasn't long before a few people from camp were carrying Bellamy to the medical unit, and Jasper followed in behind them, watching them work on Bellamy._ _

__Abby looked furious as she stitched up Bellamy's brow, and Jasper knew they would get shouted at once she was done, but he didn't care. He uselessly wiped at Emerson's dried blood coating his hand._ _

__Of course word got around camp, or maybe Octavia had heard Jasper's earlier shout. Either way, she turned up before Abby was finished, and she paced back and forth, alternating glares at her brother with glares at Jasper._ _

__Bellamy submitted to Abby's ministrations in silence, eyes closed. He was breathing hard, and Jasper could tell he was in pain. He wished he could help somehow._ _

__When Abby finished, she cleaned her hands and placed them on her hips. "Perhaps you'd like to explain yourselves."_ _

__Jasper opened his mouth, not sure what to say, but Bellamy spoke first._ _

__"When Jasper was wounded before, you all thought it was Grounders. No one bothered to look into it beyond that. No one except Lincoln, who's really the only person who _should_ have looked into it." Bellamy's voice was stronger than it had been in the woods. Maybe he'd been saving his energy for this._ _

__Abby exhaled angrily. "You should have come to the adults--"_ _

__"Begging your pardon, ma'am," Bellamy said, voice dripping with sarcasm. "But the adults still don't quite understand life down here. We do, because we were the ones the _adults_ saw fit to send down here to our deaths."_ _

__It occurred to Jasper that Bellamy was, technically, an adult. How old was he? Twenty, at least. He had to have been chafing at the way Abby treated them._ _

__Abby opened her mouth, but Bellamy cut her off again. "We knew there were Mountain Men who made it out alive. Jasper needed something to focus on. So he and I went out patrolling. He and I found out it was Carl Emerson--Cage Wallace's second. And he and I did what had to be done. Together." He laid his head back against his cot. "And unless you intend to exile me, or lock me up, that's the last thing I have to say about it."_ _

__Abby still looked angry, but she just drew a deep breath and glared at the wall. After a moment, she looked at Jasper. "Do you have anything to say for yourself?" she asked._ _

__"Nothing Bellamy hasn't already said," he replied._ _

__"Have you been drinking?" she asked, and Jasper's eyes went wide._ _

__He darted his gaze around the room, relieved to see everyone but Abby, Octavia and Bellamy had left._ _

__"People talk," she told him._ _

__"No, I'm not drinking," he muttered, and she nodded and straightened._ _

__"We're not done discussing this," she said, then left the room, barking orders at Bellamy that he was to rest and not leave the medical unit._ _

__Bellamy closed his eyes with a long sigh. "Well, that went a little better than I expected," he muttered._ _

__Octavia made an astonished noise. "A little better than-- Are you insane? Bell, you almost got yourself killed! You were stupid, and you--" Bellamy raised one hand and, to Jasper's astonishment, she quit talking and stared at him._ _

__With a sigh, Bellamy opened his arms, and Octavia fell into them. "You stupid, arrogant, annoying… _asshole_ ," she muttered._ _

__Bellamy smiled and opened his eyes. He looked over Octavia's head at Jasper, and the warmth in his gaze did something odd to Jasper's stomach. "Thanks," Bellamy murmured, and Jasper wasn't sure if it was meant for him or if Bellamy was being sarcastic at Octaiva._ _

__Jasper gave Bell a small smile, and Bell returned it with one of his own. Jasper moved a little closer, wanting to touch Bellamy for some reason, as if it might reassure Jasper that Bellamy was really alright. He just hovered near the brother and sister pair._ _

__"I'm sorry, Octavia," he murmured. "It was my fault. My idea."_ _

__She stood and frowned at him. "I'm pissed at both of you," she snapped. Bell nudged her and she sighed. "Oh, fine. You're right, it had to be done. But you could at least have invited Lincoln along to take care of you."_ _

__"Gee, thanks, O. Your confidence is touching." Bell gave Jasper a lopsided grin. "We got back okay. Thanks to Jas."_ _

__Octavia turned and gave Jasper a look he couldn't quite read, but didn't say anything._ _

__Jasper opted to keep quiet too. He moved around the table Bell was on and reached a hand out to touch Bellamy's shoulder… then saw all the dried blood on his hand and switched to the other hand, pressing it against Bellamy. It felt like Bellamy relaxed just a little when Jasper touched him. But maybe that was wishful thinking._ _

__"There aren't any more of them," Jasper said quietly to Octavia. "The Mountain Men. That's what he told us anyway."_ _

__"This is what you were really up to, getting Lincoln to teach you how to use swords," she accused._ _

__"Partly," Bellamy admitted. "But we did enjoy it, O. Right, Jas? Lincoln's...well, a friend, I guess, isn't he? And I hope he'll keep teaching me, once I'm healed up again."_ _

__Octavia narrowed her eyes at both of them, then leaned over Bellamy to get close to Jasper. "You got him hurt," she said. "And for his sake, I'll let it go. Once." She held Jasper's gaze for a long moment, then whirled and stomped out of the room._ _

__Jasper stared after her, a sinking feeling in his stomach. "Shit. She's pissed." He didn't want Octavia to hate him. And it's not like he even had to twist Bell's arm to get him to come along. Bell had come willingly._ _

__To his surprise, Bellamy chuckled. "Don't worry. You get used to it." His fingers curled around Jasper's wrist. When Jasper looked down, Bellamy had his eyes closed again._ _

__"I hope not," Jasper said, but Bellamy's fingers felt nice against his skin, and he found it hard to concentrate. He turned his wrist out of Bellamy's hold, noticing the frown that crossed Bell's face at that, but then he impulsively laced his fingers with Bellamy's and let their joined hands rest against Bellamy's chest. Oh, God, if this wasn't the dumbest thing to do._ _

__Bellamy's eyes opened and found Jasper's face. His eyes were bright, but he wasn't smiling. He just looked up at Jasper, the bandage over his eye making him look quizzical and almost fragile._ _

__Oh. Was that what Octavia meant?_ _

__Jasper opened his mouth to speak, but wasn't sure what to say. How could Octavia know this would happen, when Jasper hadn't even known before he did it?_ _

__"Sorry," he whispered, and started to pull his hand away._ _

__But Bellamy's fingers tightened on his. "Don't," he said, his voice soft. "Don't apologize." He stared at Jasper for a few moments, then looked away, his fingers still gripping Jasper's. "How are you, Jas?"_ _

__Jasper tightened his hand on Bellamy's, feeling a little dizzy knowing Bellamy _wanted_ it. "My balls hurt," he said, and then couldn't stop himself from grinning._ _

__Bellamy snorted, then laughed out loud. "I should've had Abby give _you_ the painkillers," he teased. He looked back at Jasper, shaking his head slightly._ _

__"That's okay," Jasper said, watching the lines of Bellamy's face. "I'm fine. I didn't want her to insist on taking a look."_ _

__Bellamy grinned. "She would, too. Nosy and bossy." His smile faltered briefly, but then stabilized. "They'll probably never let us out again. But we did what we said we would."_ _

__Jasper nodded, then rubbed his free hand against his pants hard, trying to get as much of Emerson's blood off it. "I thought it would make me feel… different." He wasn't sure how to describe it. "Like… relief. But I don't know what I feel."_ _

__Bellamy nodded, watching Jasper. His expression was hard to read, but there was no judgment in it. He tightened his hand slightly on Jasper's._ _

__Jasper drew in a shaky breath, then let his free hand brush over Bellamy's forehead and into his hair, stroking softly. "I don't think I feel anything about it," he admitted. "But… if I don't feel anything, that's fucked up, isn't it? His blood is still on my hands."_ _

__Bellamy's lips curved slightly, but he looked sad. "We're all a little fucked up, Jas. I know I am. Pretty sure I can handle it if you're a little fucked up too."_ _

__"Good," Jasper murmured, returning an unhappy smile of his own to Bellamy. After a moment, he let his hand drop from Bellamy's hair. Bellamy didn't seem to mind it, but maybe it was the pain meds. Maybe it was ridiculous to be touching Bellamy like this, just hours after hunting Emerson down and killing him._ _

__"Do you want me to let you rest?" Jasper asked._ _

__Bellamy shook his head. "I want you to stay." He didn't look away from Jasper as he said it. Jasper didn't think he was imagining the tiny quiver in Bell's voice. Bell licked his lips. "Stay with me," he whispered._ _

__Jasper nodded, then looked around him. "Okay," he said, then let go of Bellamy to drag a chair closer. When he sat, he reached up and took Bell's hand in his again. "I'm here."_ _

__

__***_ _

__

__Bellamy's nightmares were finally different the night after they fought Emerson. They didn't go away entirely, of course. Maybe they never would. But even though his nightmare was full of fighting and blood, there were no children. He saw Maya, but she wasn't burned. She was fighting alongside him. Alongside him and Jasper._ _

__Bell woke from that nightmare breathing hard, but then he realized someone was holding his hand. He looked over and saw that Jasper had fallen asleep next to his bed._ _

__Bell went back to sleep._ _

__The next morning brought a visit from Kane, because Abby had of course gone straight to him, complaining about reckless behavior and who knew what all. She'd kicked Jasper out sometime before Bellamy woke, and that made him more furious than the rest of her heavy-handed behavior._ _

__The difference between Kane and Abby was that Abby just looked at Bellamy like a wayward boy. Kane looked at him with respect. Kane knew the cost of everything Bellamy had done, and he appreciated it. He accepted it. Kane only stayed a few minutes before leaving._ _

__By noon, Bellamy felt good enough to demand Abby let him leave, and she didn't really have any good reason to keep him. As soon he stepped out of the medical unit, Bell paused, squinting around. Where would he find Jasper?_ _

__He wondered how much time had passed, and figured Jasper probably would have gone to wash the blood and filth off of him as soon as he had the opportunity. But he was probably done with that by now. Jasper was probably avoiding Octavia right now, too, so Bellamy made his way to the tent Jasper shared with Monty on the nights Jasper wasn't sleeping in Bellamy's blankets._ _

__He tapped on the flap, and Monty cleared his throat and told Bellamy to come in._ _

__Bellamy ducked in and glanced around, finding only Monty inside. "Nice shiner," he said, giving Bellamy a small smile._ _

__"Heh. Thanks." Bellamy gave him a crooked smile back. "If you're pissed at us, too, I'll understand," he said. "But he needed that. Even if it didn't give him the…the closure he thought it would." He paused, gauging Monty's expression, but Monty didn't _seem_ pissed off. Of course, maybe Jasper hadn't told him. He cleared his throat. "And I care too much about Jasper to let him do it alone."_ _

__Monty watched Bellamy for a minute, then said, "You'd better care about him." He lifted his brows. "I was mad at first, but we talked earlier today, and we talked about… everything."_ _

__Bell swallowed, wondering if everything really meant _every_ thing. He thought it probably did, and Monty seemed okay with it--but Bell didn't really know what _it_ was. He knew how he felt, but Jasper… How could Jasper ever really forgive him for Maya?_ _

__"Okay," he said, and nodded. "Good. Um. Where is he?"_ _

__"I thought he went back to see you," Monty said._ _

__Bell relaxed a little. "Oh, Abby threw him out earlier, so she probably didn't let him back in. Maybe he's at my tent. Thanks, Monty."_ _

__He ducked back out of Monty's tent and scanned the camp with his gaze, then headed for his own tent. The closer he got, the faster his breath came. God, he hoped he hadn't made a complete fool of himself._ _

__He paused outside his tent, took a couple of deep breaths, and then just as he was about to duck inside, Jasper put back the tent flap and stuck his head out._ _

__"Oh!" Jasper gasped, surprised, then hovered where he was, as though he wasn't sure whether he should go back in or come out. "Abby let you out? I-- she wouldn't let me stay."_ _

__Bell smiled, feeling a little better. "I convinced her I was fine," he said. "I have a headache, big deal. I've had worse. I could use some tea, though. Want to join me?"_ _

__"Yeah," Jasper said immediately, sounding pleased, and slipped back into the tent, holding the flap for Bellamy. He seemed a little nervous. Or was that excited?_ _

__Bellamy followed him in and settled on the softest spot he could find, swallowing a groan. He had a couple of bruises he hadn't really noticed until he started walking around today. He fussed with the hot plate he'd commandeered ages ago until he had the water heating, then looked over at Jasper._ _

__"Monty said you two talked."_ _

__Jasper shrugged. He was sitting closer to Bellamy than he needed to, but Bellamy enjoyed it. "Yeah. He'd heard about the way we came back yesterday, and wasn't happy about it."_ _

__Bell snorted. "I don't think 'happy' is the word I'd use for how you and I felt about it, either," he said, giving Jasper a warm look. "So everything's okay with you two?"_ _

__Jasper nodded. "Yeah, fine." he said, then he lifted a hand to brush away Bellamy's hair, ostensibly to look at Bellamy's cut, but his fingers were soft, gentle. "How are you feeling?"_ _

__"Just a headache." Bell licked his lips. "Maybe a few bruises." He drew in a breath. _Say something_ , he told himself. But after a long moment, he just said, "So...are we good, Jas?"_ _

___That was dumb._ _ _

__That seemed to surprise Jasper, and he drew away. Not a lot, but enough to make Bellamy wish he'd said something different. He hadn't even realized how close Jasper was until he felt the slight absence._ _

__Jasper blinked at him a moment, his gaze open. "We have been for a while," Jasper said. "I thought." His fingers slid through Bellamy's hair, over his ear, then Jasper's hand landed on Bell's shoulder._ _

__Jasper's face suddenly looked doubtful. "I'm sorry. I don't know what I'm doing."_ _

__Bell's heart sped up. "I didn't know how much of that was me just needing us to be okay," he admitted. He couldn't control the smile that stretched his lips. "I mean--" He paused and leaned in a little. "I need us to be okay. I want--"_ _

___I want us to be us. An us._ How did you talk about something like this? He knew how to invite something physical, but that wasn't what he wanted with Jasper. Not _all_ he wanted, anyway. Still, they had to start somewhere. And Jasper's hand was still on his shoulder, and the self-doubt on his face was growing more pronounced._ _

__Bellamy leaned in and pressed his lips to Jasper's._ _

__He felt Jasper tense slightly, drawing in a sharp breath, and then he relaxed again and leaned into the kiss, returning it eagerly. When their tongues met, Bellamy suppressed a groan, letting the feeling sweep his entire body._ _

__Jasper pulled back, but he was just an inch from Bellamy's face, panting softly. "What is this, Bell?"_ _

__Bellamy knew what he was asking, but he had no idea how to put it in words. "I need you," he whispered, lifting a hand to brush through Jasper's short hair. He let it slide down to curl gently at the back of Jasper's neck. "In my life. With me. I--life is hell, but it's better with you."_ _

__He felt Jasper nod, and then Jasper leaned in and kissed him again. This time it was slower, but somehow even more needy, and it made Bellamy shiver. He felt Jasper's fingers tighten at his shoulder, and then Jasper moved closer so they were hip to hip. "I don't know how to do this," he murmured against Bellamy's lips, then kissed him again._ _

__Bell hummed against Jasper's lips, slipping an arm around Jasper's waist and shifting to pull him closer. "Like I do?" he said breathlessly. "I mean, sex, sure. But this? You and me? I've never felt like this."_ _

__Jasper leaned to press his forehead to Bellamy's. "You and me," he repeated. "I like the sound of that." His hand gripped the arm that was around him, and the other that had been on Bellamy's shoulder was back to sifting through Bellamy's hair. Bellamy leaned into the touch, and Jasper ducked to kiss his neck._ _

__Bellamy gasped and arched his neck, ignoring the way his cut eyebrow had started throbbing with that light pressure. "Jasper," he breathed, closing his eyes and focusing on the thrill of Jasper's lips against his skin. "Never thought this would happen."_ _

__Jasper huffed a breath against Bellamy's skin. "Me either," he breathed, then went back to kissing and licking at Bellamy's throat._ _

__Bell shivered, chuckling, and stopped talking. He slid the hand on Jasper's neck back up to play with his hair. He wondered if Jasper would let it grow back out. He'd always liked Jasper's hair. He almost couldn't believe this was real. If someone had told him just a few weeks ago that Jasper would forgive him--more than forgive him--he wouldn't have believed them._ _

___Stop thinking_ , he told himself, and leaned back. He ducked his head to capture Jasper's mouth with his own._ _

__He had no idea how long they kissed. Not long enough. It would never be long enough. Bellamy was leaning so far back he had to prop himself up with one arm, the other still wrapped firmly around Jasper's waist. Jasper leaned against him and suddenly Bellamy's injured arm twinged and gave out._ _

__Bell fell backward, Jasper half lying on top of him, and even though Bell was laughing, his arm was killing him._ _

__Jasper pulled back quickly, looking flushed, and propped himself up enough that his weight wasn't on Bellamy anymore. "I'm sorry," he panted. "I forgot. I just--" he touched Bellamy's cheek, then gently over his arm near the cut._ _

__Jasper darted a glance to where his fingers lay, just above the cut on Bellamy's arm, as if looking for evidence that they'd opened the cut again. "I got… carried away."_ _

__Bell grinned and, using his good arm, pushed himself up just enough to brush a light kiss against Jasper's lips. "I'm not complaining." He bit his lip, wondering if his grin was as stupid-looking as it felt. "I got carried away too."_ _

__He let his head drop back gently on the blanket. "But I am a little sore still."_ _

__"I know," Jasper blurted, looking worried. "I'm sorry. I should have waited."_ _

__Bell pressed a finger to Jasper's lips. "Stop apologizing," he ordered, smiling. "And c'mere. This shoulder feels fine." He held out his good arm in invitation._ _

__Jasper bit his lips together and glanced to the side. "What about the tea?"_ _

__"Turn off the hot plate and forget the tea," Bell said. "We have plenty of time for tea later."_ _

___We have plenty of time._ God, he hoped that was true._ _

__He closed his eyes against the pain, and heard the hotplate click off, then Jasper was settling at his side. He pressed his face to Bellamy's neck, planting soft, tender kisses there that made Bellamy feel… well, different. Good. Better than it had ever felt before when he kissed someone or they kissed him._ _

__He took a deep breath and let it out slowly, relishing this moment. They'd done what they said they would. He'd saved Jasper, and Jasper had saved him._ _

__And tomorrow was soon enough to face the world. Together._ _


End file.
